Diagnosis + Treatment
The Big Picture
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? [ Video ]
Five Dimensions of Human Personality
Think It's BPD but How Can I Know?
DSM Criteria for Personality Disorders
Treatment of BPD [ Video ]
Getting a Loved One Into Therapy
Top 50 Questions Members Ask
Home page
Forum
List of discussion groups
Making a first post
Find last post
Discussion group guidelines
Tips
Romantic relationship in or near breakup
Child (adult or adolescent) with BPD
Sibling or Parent with BPD
Boyfriend/Girlfriend with BPD
Partner or Spouse with BPD
Surviving a Failed Romantic Relationship
Tools
Wisemind
Ending conflict (3 minute lesson)
Listen with Empathy
Don't Be Invalidating
Setting boundaries
On-line CBT
Book reviews
Member workshops
About
Mission and Purpose
Website Policies
Membership Eligibility
Please Donate
October 31, 2024, 06:33:08 PM
Welcome,
Guest
. Please
login
or
register
.
1 Hour
5 Hours
1 Day
1 Week
Forever
Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins:
Kells76
,
Once Removed
,
Turkish
Senior Ambassadors:
EyesUp
,
SinisterComplex
Help!
Boards
Please Donate
Login to Post
New?--Click here to register
Survey: How do you compare?
Adult Children Sensitivity
67% are highly sensitive
Romantic Break-ups
73% have five or more recycles
Physical Hitting
66% of members were hit
Depression Test
61% of members are moderate-severe
108
BPDFamily.com
>
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
>
Romantic Relationship | Conflicted About Continuing, Divorcing/Custody, Co-parenting
> Topic:
I don't want to be empathetic.
Pages: [
1
]
Go Down
« previous
next »
Print
Author
Topic: I don't want to be empathetic. (Read 496 times)
unicorn2014
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 2574
I don't want to be empathetic.
«
on:
September 24, 2015, 05:32:26 PM »
Yesterday I thought I might start a thread on resentment but I don't think I have much to say on that topic. I do have a lot to say about how I feel every time I read about empathy. It drives me nuts. Why should I be empathetic to my borderline fiancé who seems to lie to me? So much of the success with borderlines seems to be dependent on our being empathetic with them. Why would we want to be empathetic with them when they've hurt us so much? Why are they worthy of our time and attention? Has anyone else struggled with this resistance to empathy to people who've hurt us so much?
Logged
babyducks
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2920
Re: I don't want to be empathetic.
«
Reply #1 on:
September 24, 2015, 06:15:50 PM »
this is how it works for me.
empathy and boundaries keeps me balanced.
empathy helps me change what I need to.
empathy keeps me from being afraid.
Logged
What lies behind us and what lies ahead of us are tiny matters compared to what lives within us.
maxsterling
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: living together, engaged
Posts: 2772
Re: I don't want to be empathetic.
«
Reply #2 on:
September 24, 2015, 06:53:16 PM »
I certainly understand where you are coming from. If I look at the basic facts of my wife's life, her behavior is certainly a major factor in most of her struggles. Last night she was crying and feeling really low, wondering why nobody likes her. From my perspective, it's the other way around - she doesn't like anyone, and nitpicks and complains until people don't want to deal with her.
How can I be empathetic with that? Empathy doesn't mean I have to agree with her actions, her life decisions, or the way she treats others. But I can empathize with her emotions of feeling isolated, her struggles to identify herself and keep moving forward, and to try and be a good person despite her negative outlook. She certainly knows her issues. It's not like she wants to cause other people pain. \
I ask you this - if you can't feel any empathy towards your fiancé, then why are you together? Just reminding again - you don't have to empathize with bad behavior. But do you empathize with your fiancé's core struggles?
Logged
unicorn2014
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 2574
Re: I don't want to be empathetic.
«
Reply #3 on:
September 24, 2015, 07:47:42 PM »
Maxsterling, I most certainly do empathize with my finance's core struggles and his bad behavior is really getting on my nerves right now. So the question is how do we empathize with pwBPD when their behavior is pissing us off?
Logged
myself
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3151
Re: I don't want to be empathetic.
«
Reply #4 on:
September 24, 2015, 08:01:56 PM »
Do it as much as you can, and step back enough to not make things worse? What it's really about is you being yourself. Making the moves that are right for you, even the uncomfortable. Sometimes that's someone who's pissed off. Who's been hurt. Who has questions, needs space, isn't as empathetic... .
Logged
unicorn2014
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 2574
Re: I don't want to be empathetic.
«
Reply #5 on:
September 24, 2015, 08:18:13 PM »
Myself, thank you that is brilliant too. That's why I come to this board, for helpful advice like that!
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?
Pages: [
1
]
Go Up
Print
BPDFamily.com
>
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
>
Romantic Relationship | Conflicted About Continuing, Divorcing/Custody, Co-parenting
> Topic:
I don't want to be empathetic.
« previous
next »
Jump to:
Please select a destination:
-----------------------------
Help Desk
-----------------------------
===> Open board
-----------------------------
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
-----------------------------
=> Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup
=> Romantic Relationship | Conflicted About Continuing, Divorcing/Custody, Co-parenting
=> Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship
-----------------------------
Children, Parents, or Relatives with BPD
-----------------------------
=> Son, Daughter or Son/Daughter In-law with BPD
=> Parent, Sibling, or In-law Suffering from BPD
-----------------------------
Community Built Knowledge Base
-----------------------------
=> Library: Psychology questions and answers
=> Library: Tools and skills workshops
=> Library: Book Club, previews and discussions
=> Library: Video, audio, and pdfs
=> Library: Content to critique for possible feature articles
=> Library: BPDFamily research surveys
Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife
Loading...