My Issues

[Depression = 72% of members]

I am 30 and have never even been on a date.  I have three contacts in my phone: my mom, work, a co-worker, and my former friend BPD's ex-boyfriend.  It sucks.  And now, I'm getting ready to move into my own home, alone. 

I would say there are a lot of reasons why I'm like this.  For starters, I'm an only child, and I grew up in a very rural area.  Both parents worked long hours, so I spent a lot of my time at my cousin's house.    From the time I was young, I had trouble making friends, and the friends I did make always left me for someone cooler or more popular.  When I went through puberty, I gained a lot of weight and got picked on for that.  At a basketball camp one summer, a girl purposely threw a basketball right at me and then laughed with her friends about it.  Growing up, a lot of my friends were guys, but I'm not a girly girl at all, so when it came time to start dating, they all gravitated towards the "pretty" girls.  Then, I realized in 7th grade that I'm bisexual, so I basically completely shut down because I was afraid of everyone finding out.  I decided to major in education in college, so I continued to hide my sexuality because LGBT teachers can still get fired for it.  I didn't let anyone get close to me, including the one friend I had throughout college and in the few years after it.  That same friend just stopped talking to me one day, for no reason.  A few years into teaching, three teachers tried to be friends with me, but I felt like more of a project to them than anything.  In addition, they talked behind everyone's back and were just really catty women, so I didn't want that in my life.  I went four years without having a friend, and then I met my former friend BPD. 

In addition to all of that, I've always had this "not good enough" complex, which was primarily perpetuated by my FOO.  I was held back a year in pre-school because I was too shy and didn't talk, so the friends I made that first year ended up moving on without me.   My paternal grandmother complained that I never visited enough, and when I did, she talked about spending time with other children and about how nice they were.  When she died, my aunt wrote her obituary and made sure to note that she would be missed by the "Smith" kids, whom she loved like grandchildren.  My part in the obituary said, "She also leaves behind a granddaughter." 

In their effort to make sure that I would be successful in life, my parents pushed me too hard and failed to realize that they were.  When I played soccer as a kid, my dad harped on me about how I didn't score that many goals and about how I didn't play hard enough in games (I was 7).  After three years of being coached by my one friend's dad, I played for a coach who thought girls shouldn't play on the same team as boys.  He actually blamed our losing season on the fact that there were girls on the team (his daughter was on the team).  Once, I pretty successfully defended one of the male players in practice, and all the coach talked about was the guy's fancy footwork.  I then switched to basketball, and my dad was even worse.  He would keep track of my points, the number of shots I missed, etc.  Again, he would say, "You didn't score enough.  You didn't play hard enough."  In middle school, I tried out for the school team and didn't make it.  In 9th grade, I tried out again, and the coach made me the manager, which meant I filled water bottles.  One of the girls on the team made fun of me, mostly in subtle ways.  I was still heavy, and she purposely bought me an XL shirt for our Christmas gift exchange and then said, "I didn't know what size to get." 

In school, whenever I made honor roll, I heard, "Why didn't you make distinguished honor roll?"  When I graduated magna cum laude, I heard, "Why didn't you graduate summa cum laude?  I also got that in college, by the way, despite the fact that I was the first in my immediate family to even go to college.  And when I didn't get a good grade on a test, my mom would ask what all of my friends got on it and then ask why I didn't get a good grade like them.  She was constantly comparing me to everyone.

Neither of my parents have set a good example for how to make friends/keep friends.  My dad has no friends anymore and never really had any close ones.  My mom never made the effort to contact her friends, expecting them to make all of the effort.  She has few friends and rarely sees any of them.   

I've tried Meetup, but there aren't many groups in my area, and a lot of the meetings I signed up for ended up getting canceled.  Everyone at work is married, has kids, is busy.  I already had major trust issues, and now, after dealing with my former friend BPD, I basically trust no one.  I've deleted all of my social media accounts and all of my online dating profiles. 

At this point, I've basically decided to be alone.  No one wants to date a 30 year old who's never even been on a date.       

[SummerStorm]

I am 30 and have never even been on a date.  I have three contacts in my phone: my mom, work, a co-worker, and my former friend BPD's ex-boyfriend.  It sucks.  And now, I'm getting ready to move into my own home, alone. 

I would say there are a lot of reasons why I'm like this.  For starters, I'm an only child, and I grew up in a very rural area.  Both parents worked long hours, so I spent a lot of my time at my cousin's house.    From the time I was young, I had trouble making friends, and the friends I did make always left me for someone cooler or more popular.  When I went through puberty, I gained a lot of weight and got picked on for that.  At a basketball camp one summer, a girl purposely threw a basketball right at me and then laughed with her friends about it.  Growing up, a lot of my friends were guys, but I'm not a girly girl at all, so when it came time to start dating, they all gravitated towards the "pretty" girls.  Then, I realized in 7th grade that I'm bisexual, so I basically completely shut down because I was afraid of everyone finding out.  I decided to major in education in college, so I continued to hide my sexuality because LGBT teachers can still get fired for it.  I didn't let anyone get close to me, including the one friend I had throughout college and in the few years after it.  That same friend just stopped talking to me one day, for no reason.  A few years into teaching, three teachers tried to be friends with me, but I felt like more of a project to them than anything.  In addition, they talked behind everyone's back and were just really catty women, so I didn't want that in my life.  I went four years without having a friend, and then I met my former friend BPD. 

In addition to all of that, I've always had this "not good enough" complex, which was primarily perpetuated by my FOO.  I was held back a year in pre-school because I was too shy and didn't talk, so the friends I made that first year ended up moving on without me.   My paternal grandmother complained that I never visited enough, and when I did, she talked about spending time with other children and about how nice they were.  When she died, my aunt wrote her obituary and made sure to note that she would be missed by the "Smith" kids, whom she loved like grandchildren.  My part in the obituary said, "She also leaves behind a granddaughter." 

In their effort to make sure that I would be successful in life, my parents pushed me too hard and failed to realize that they were.  When I played soccer as a kid, my dad harped on me about how I didn't score that many goals and about how I didn't play hard enough in games (I was 7).  After three years of being coached by my one friend's dad, I played for a coach who thought girls shouldn't play on the same team as boys.  He actually blamed our losing season on the fact that there were girls on the team (his daughter was on the team).  Once, I pretty successfully defended one of the male players in practice, and all the coach talked about was the guy's fancy footwork.  I then switched to basketball, and my dad was even worse.  He would keep track of my points, the number of shots I missed, etc.  Again, he would say, "You didn't score enough.  You didn't play hard enough."  In middle school, I tried out for the school team and didn't make it.  In 9th grade, I tried out again, and the coach made me the manager, which meant I filled water bottles.  One of the girls on the team made fun of me, mostly in subtle ways.  I was still heavy, and she purposely bought me an XL shirt for our Christmas gift exchange and then said, "I didn't know what size to get." 

In school, whenever I made honor roll, I heard, "Why didn't you make distinguished honor roll?"  When I graduated magna cum laude, I heard, "Why didn't you graduate summa cum laude?  I also got that in college, by the way, despite the fact that I was the first in my immediate family to even go to college.  And when I didn't get a good grade on a test, my mom would ask what all of my friends got on it and then ask why I didn't get a good grade like them.  She was constantly comparing me to everyone.

Neither of my parents have set a good example for how to make friends/keep friends.  My dad has no friends anymore and never really had any close ones.  My mom never made the effort to contact her friends, expecting them to make all of the effort.  She has few friends and rarely sees any of them.   

I've tried Meetup, but there aren't many groups in my area, and a lot of the meetings I signed up for ended up getting canceled.  Everyone at work is married, has kids, is busy.  I already had major trust issues, and now, after dealing with my former friend BPD, I basically trust no one.  I've deleted all of my social media accounts and all of my online dating profiles. 

At this point, I've basically decided to be alone.  No one wants to date a 30 year old who's never even been on a date.       

[SGraham]

Hi summerstor, i would say its good to see you back, but this isnt exactly the best situation. First off fuk those guys. Seriously. I get what you are saying to a degree. Outside of the experiances ive had with my ex, i have literally zero romantic experiance. And my ex and i never had sex so honestly i am still very romantically and sexually naïve. Anyway, i wish i could say more, or at least go back in time and beat those bullies up for you.

Best wishes,

SG

 

[eeks]

Hi SummerStorm,

Welcome to the Personal Inventory board.  All these experiences you are describing sound so painful.  Finally nowadays bullying is being recognized for the trauma that it is (not something that "kids will work out themselves", with studies showing it can have as much or more effect on a child's adult life as abuse at home.  Which is good news, but it's too late for people like you and I, and as you know the effects can last years.

I'm sorry that you had to hide your sexuality for social fear at school and later for fear of losing your employment.  I imagine that must have led to significant inner conflict and tension for you... .wanting to belong, and also to be true to yourself... .and feeling like you can't have both.  It hurts to have to hold part of yourself in and hide it away.

The other incidents you describe are all things that sound like they could have an effect on how close you feel with your parents (which would help, even while there were things going on at school) and also on them modeling good social skills for you.

No one wants to date a 30 year old who's never even been on a date.     

This judgment sounds like a self-protection sourced in your repeated experiences as a child/teenager of bullying/rejection. 

I completely understand why you would say it.  You are afraid that you'll be judged, "oh if no one would date her there must be something wrong with her."  I have to wonder, though, whether it's really true or is coming from your skewed self-concept that was unfortunately shaped by early trauma experiences.  Not who you really are.  It's very easy when you get excluded and have no other way to make sense of it, to assume it's because "there's something wrong with you", and then when facing other circumstances that could be interpreted multiple ways, your brain goes right into that groove of trying to find "what's wrong with you".

Are you in therapy right now?  It sounds to me like you have significant enough trauma from your childhood to make it worth exploring with a therapist to improve your feelings about relationships and your ability to connect with someone.