Forgiveness - I have to, but what form should it take?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi All,

I've been over a year now without seeing my ex and no contact for 6 months. Like everyone here I endured a hellish relationship with my ex, partly my own fault but let's be gentle and call it a bad mix of codependency on my side and mental issues on hers.

I've been doing a lot of soul searching recently, I walked the camino de santiago and am trying to move my life in a spiritual direction, part of that movement really doesn't allow me to hang on to my anger at my ex, I need to forgive. But I'm also worried about how to do this sensibly. Do I need to apologise to her and issue forgiveness. Knowing her as I did I can't imagine that being received well. But what does it matter right, it's my forgiveness for my soul, it may help her, it certainly shouldn't hurt her.

Any advise on how to forgive, does it need to be explicit directly to my ex, is it better to leave well alone?

[Trog]

Hi All,

I've been over a year now without seeing my ex and no contact for 6 months. Like everyone here I endured a hellish relationship with my ex, partly my own fault but let's be gentle and call it a bad mix of codependency on my side and mental issues on hers.

I've been doing a lot of soul searching recently, I walked the camino de santiago and am trying to move my life in a spiritual direction, part of that movement really doesn't allow me to hang on to my anger at my ex, I need to forgive. But I'm also worried about how to do this sensibly. Do I need to apologise to her and issue forgiveness. Knowing her as I did I can't imagine that being received well. But what does it matter right, it's my forgiveness for my soul, it may help her, it certainly shouldn't hurt her.

Any advise on how to forgive, does it need to be explicit directly to my ex, is it better to leave well alone?

[livednlearned]

Hi Trog,

I've been working on forgiveness issues too.

Forgiveness is apparently something you do for yourself -- reconciliation is something you do with both people.

When you consider that forgiveness is for you to work on within yourself, does that feel different than trying to reconcile with your ex?

[Trog]

Hey

Reconciliation, I can't imagine either of us would want to move back into relationship mode and I doubt, because of the correspondence and attitudes I've had from her in the past, that an enjoyable friendship, something fruitful for two parties, is even possible. My ex has diagnosed psychological issues and has become psychotic on numerous occasions, she had a medication for that and doesn't take it regularly (as far as I knew, perhaps something changed but why would I take a risk like that?).

I am interested in receiving forgiveness for my behaviour during that time from god, it doesn't sit well with me that I left my marriage and on some levels my leaving her came at a bad time for her, for me, I just couldn't take anymore, but I contributed heavily to my own suffering because of my state of mind. I want a clean heart, I don't want to carry the poison of resentment anymore. Made some bad decisions, said some cruel things, I wish I had dealt better with that. I feel the need to apologise, I know I will never get an apology, but it no longer matters. Getting an apology from her felt very important for some time, I had a long period of intense rage for her.

My struggle is that my religious beliefs state that I should ask for gods forgiveness, forgive her myself but also ask for her forgiveness. That last bit, is where I struggle to 'swallow', asking for her forgiveness, when I know it will not illicit an apology in return, feels very weak and feels like dishonouring all the pain I went through, and also feels like giving her yet another reason not to look at her behaviour, my apology would feed into her erroneous belief that it's perfectly fine to treat people as she does. It almost feels irresponsible to ask for her forgiveness, IMO she needs to hit a rock bottom and learn it's not ok to stop taking your meds and let your life fall apart.

One solution would be to stipulate quite clearly just what I am apologising for, but I was advised by a priest that forgiveness doesn't come with limitations and provisos. So I feel stuck

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey Trog-

Forgiveness is for you, and you would be forgiving her for things she did or said that hurt you.  A quote I like is "forgiveness is a letting go of what you feel someone owes you".  Try that with her and see how that feels, and it doesn't have to involve or include her at all, it's something you do internally.  For me, when I let go of what I think someone owes me, it instantly makes me feel lighter and freer, and whether or not they could or would or should do or say whatever it was that I thought I was owed is irrelevant.  And with some people the need to forgive comes back later, but less intense, so I do it again, repetition is the key.

Reconciliation isn't necessary between you and someone you no longer want in your life; if the relationship is over, time to let any hope or desire for reconciliation go.

Now apology, that's different, that's around something you did or said that hurt her, the opposite of forgiveness in that sense.  I originally told myself that what I did to her was nothing compared to what she did to me, which was true, and that she deserved it, which worked in the early stages of detachment when I was pissed off, but eventually I needed to look at me and keep my side of the street clean.  I chose not to apologize to her directly, figuring that would just open a can of worms again, which it would have and I didn't want to go there, and I also realized that all of the things I did, and they weren't very bad at all, just definitely not loving, they were protest behavior of someone with an anxious attachment style like me: bottom line, I wasn't getting what I needed in the relationship, and instead of sitting down and having a heart to heart talk with her about what my wants and needs were, I did or said something that I shouldn't have, admittedly a lousy way to express that I wasn't getting needs met, but I was doing the best I could in a very difficult situation, and I'm OK with that.  And not only OK, the last and most important piece is to forgive ourselves, which goes back to I know I was doing the very best I could at the time, and I know I've grown a great deal since then, and I'm totally fine with that.  Life and love are grand adventures and we learn as we go.

[eeks]

My struggle is that my religious beliefs state that I should ask for gods forgiveness, forgive her myself but also ask for her forgiveness. That last bit, is where I struggle to 'swallow', asking for her forgiveness, when I know it will not illicit an apology in return, feels very weak and feels like dishonouring all the pain I went through, and also feels like giving her yet another reason not to look at her behaviour, my apology would feed into her erroneous belief that it's perfectly fine to treat people as she does. It almost feels irresponsible to ask for her forgiveness, IMO she needs to hit a rock bottom and learn it's not ok to stop taking your meds and let your life fall apart.

One solution would be to stipulate quite clearly just what I am apologising for, but I was advised by a priest that forgiveness doesn't come with limitations and provisos. So I feel stuck

Does your faith have any allowance for a person moving through the process towards forgiveness in their own time and in their own way?  A combination between aspiring to the highest ideals, and being honest about your feelings and where you are at right now?

[Trog]

My struggle is that my religious beliefs state that I should ask for gods forgiveness, forgive her myself but also ask for her forgiveness. That last bit, is where I struggle to 'swallow', asking for her forgiveness, when I know it will not illicit an apology in return, feels very weak and feels like dishonouring all the pain I went through, and also feels like giving her yet another reason not to look at her behaviour, my apology would feed into her erroneous belief that it's perfectly fine to treat people as she does. It almost feels irresponsible to ask for her forgiveness, IMO she needs to hit a rock bottom and learn it's not ok to stop taking your meds and let your life fall apart.

One solution would be to stipulate quite clearly just what I am apologising for, but I was advised by a priest that forgiveness doesn't come with limitations and provisos. So I feel stuck

Does your faith have any allowance for a person moving through the process towards forgiveness in their own time and in their own way?  A combination between aspiring to the highest ideals, and being honest about your feelings and where you are at right now?

Hi

I'm guessing there are many interpretations but I think I need to also be responsible and asking for her forgiveness is opening up communication and as I explained earlier could even be seen as enabling and not productive.

I think the advice on forgiving in my heart and not out loud to my ex is probably the best. We are not in one another's lives, it is not paining her that she feels I don't forgive her, knowing her as I did I doubt she thinks there is anything to forgive, so directly apologising ... .I'm leaning to 'no'. My faith does have room for acting responsibly and on measure I think it would t be responsible right now

[BorisAcusio]

We are not in one another's lives, it is not paining her that she feels I don't forgive her, knowing her as I did I doubt she thinks there is anything to forgive, so directly apologising

You got some great answers, Trog.

In our interaction, apologies only validated her mental image of me as a persecuter, "I was right all along, you really abused me". The externalization of the abusive internal object made her think that I was in control of her frightening impulses and justified her further attacks on me, instead of taking it as an act of reparation.

If your heartfelt apology will be met with improper reaction, then it may open channels for further resentment.

[Panda39]

I think the advice on forgiving in my heart and not out loud to my ex is probably the best. We are not in one another's lives... .

I did exactly this.  I had someone in my past that I loved greatly and who in the cheated on me.  I held on the love I had for this man for 20 years.  When I finally forgave him the love came pouring out but so did other things that I wasn't even aware I was holding on to... .anger, disappointment, pain, self-blame... .

In forgiving I was able to let go of all of that and finally be free of this person and our relationship.  In forgiving him I healed myself.

I never spoke of this with him, it was about my own healing.

Panda39

[Ihope2]

Oftentimes, I don't think we can address the person directly when we forgive.  What of a person who loses a loved one in a hostage situation, as is happening so much in today's times?  In my country, there is the most forgiving, gracious and spiritually elevated of women, who recently lost her husband to a botched hostage freeing attempt in Yemen.  She had hung on for so long and there were negotiations underway to have him released after a long time in captivity.  She had also been held captive with him for some time, but was released before him.  After all of that, he was killed in crossfire in a botched  release attempt of another guy who was being held hostage with him.  To witness this woman talk of forgiveness and express her love for the ordinary people of Yemen is just something that inspired me greatly to forgive my exBPDh in my heart.

People were not born into this life wanting to become psychologically damaged and creating chaos and pain for others.  There but for the grace of God go I, therefore, I will let go and forgive in my heart.

[Trog]

Thanks for all the replies to this it's meant a lot to me. Boris always has some great advice for me particularly and I think it's true that apologising to someone with a history of abusive actions and justifying those abuses is what an apology would illicit within her. In the end, I hope she goes thru her own healing, not just because of how she's treated me but also others in her past. I know, even if she can't see it, how much internal pain her actions cause her and her personal battle between the victim-persecutor thing she has going on. I feel that apologising could move her another step away from healing that internal pain she has.

At one point, I was in bondage waiting for her to come to that realisation, putting myself in a mentally torturous position in order that she could see her pain clearly, not only did that not work, I hurt myself in the process with many years of extreme stress and anxiety playing 'enablers'. I've let myself off that hook with the forgiveness process - my dangling there served no one, except in bringing me closer to god thru suffering. All I can do now is let her go to god and trust in that, I did that a couple of months back, forgiveness is a process.

[Beach_Babe]

This is a thought provoking thread. Hope its ok I bumped it up a bit.

I did apologize to my ex (and received no response). I forgive him, though, as he is too disordered to respond in kind. The only person anger hurts is me.