BPD partner in Clinic -> time to break up?

[sebas]

Hello people,

I have browsed around this forum before I decided to post this question.

I have been together with my BPD partner for around 15 months.

The relationship started very quickly and the first 5 months there

were no other signs of BPD then the 'jumping in fast' into the relationship. (I know now)

She was looking for a new flat when I met her, with great difficulties,

So I decided to have her come live with me (big mistake, I didn't now nothing about her)

All was good until she lost her job after 5 months into the relationship.

At first I was happy, I'm running a business from home and I could use her Help.

Then the first RAGE broke loose over something little and it was the first time I was

confronted with the crazy eyes, unbelievable anger and drama.

I was swept off my feet for days and I knew this was not right. The first crack.

Because I work from home, I'm always home but now she was home too.

I was surprised by the immaturity of her behaviour and the lack of taking self responsibillty.

A lot was my 'fault' instead of taking action her self. A lot of negative attention seeking.

I can skip all the incidents that you all know to good about.

Since I have been with her, I stopped seeing or talking to my friends,

get hardly outside the house, lost weighth and my business tanked.

Not that she tells me I cant see my friends or do other stuff, I just don't do it.

It's like an invisible force.

At one point, a crisis happened that involved 'cutting' herself and she was bleeding from her arms.

I called the ambulance and she was transported to the hospital.

They wanted to keep her there, but this hospital was absolutely horrible.

You would go crazy there, even if you were a 'normal' person.

I lied to the doctor about that she didn't intent to kill herself

But she al ready had hung on the other side of my balcony, threating me to kill herself.

I took her back home, things calmed down. I researched and I found out that she had BPD symptoms.

Months followed with drama every 3 to 4 days, with different intensities.

I tried to break up with her 2 times, but she does not accept it.

I'm 'the love of her life' and she just won't give up on me.

She is aware that she needs help and wants BPD therapy,

To save our relationship and be happier.

She had to 'stabilize' first before being allowed in therapy

(a stabile BPD, what a paradox) she got some medicine:

Mirtazipine that made her very drowsy, she stopped with this

Last week I tried to break up again and things exploded.

We had a physical fight, she tore down my interior and 'cutted' herself again.

Ambulance came, now she is in crisis unit and doing 'relatively' well,

but it's not clear if she can stay there and wait for BPD therapy.

Maybe they keep on stabilizing her. But no doctor seems to can give a clear answer

what will happen after this week is over. (they said they keep her till tuesday, but *maybe* longer)

Of coarse I brought her stuff that she needs in the hospital and our relationship is 'good' again.

I'm just playing theater because I do care about her and she does not have anybody else then me. (She broke up with family).

If they send her home on tuesday it's the same situation. Don't know what to do then.

But if they keep her, is it then an idea to break up the relationship? She is in professional hands.

It is heartbreaking because her biggest fear is losing me.

Yesterday I al ready suggested that it is better to start living seperately,

So that I can get my own life on the rails again - I did not say anything about ending the relationship.

I am really torn, because I feel for her. Her pain. Her problems.

But I'm not doing well - I lost myself since I have been in this relationship.

She won't give up on me. I don't know what to do anymore... .

Thanks for reading.

[an0ught]

Hi sebas,

Because I work from home, I'm always home but now she was home too.

as you have notices some distance helps stabilizing the situation. Too much of it and abandonment kicks in. Managing distance and protecting yourself is vital in these relationships and there are ways to balance it. If you need support in that direction check out the LESSONS at the top of the Staying Board and enlist support there.

But I'm not doing well - I lost myself since I have been in this relationship.

Have you considered reaching out to a T for yourself. Dealing with this level of drama incl. suicide attempts   can be bruising. A T can also help with working through decision making taking your individual situation, needs and history into account.

Yesterday I al ready suggested that it is better to start living seperately,

This or some other form of strict separation rules (she leaving the house during the day, your work area an absolute no-go zone, zero contact 9-5 etc.) may be a good idea. Figuring out baseline rules and discussing them with her and her T beforehand may be a good idea to avoid triggering abandonment too badly. You probably still need to work through some extinction bursts but having an agreed framework in place makes that more manageable.

You are at the moment very upset what you had to experience over the past months and the recent days   Are you feeling you are ready to make a bigger decision or do you need time? If it is the latter a T and *while you are recovering* the Staying Board may be helpful.

,

a0

[OnceConfused]

you cannot count on her to set you free. Of course not, you are her rescuer. why would she leaves you free since you are the only one around that can take it, while noone else does.

It is you and only you can make the decision for you.

Sometimes our heart is confused and not listens to the mind, because:

1. the attachment. the fear of the unknown future, despite the known suffering of today.

2. The guilt that the other person has instilled in you. that guilt is how we continue to suffer.

    BPD is expert at making us feel guilty for having our friends around, for having your independence, ... .

To clear the heart, the mind has to see it clearly. One way to do that is you need to write down on 2 sheets of paper, labeled + and -. Write down on each sheet, the positive of staying with her and the negative of staying . You will begin to see things beyond the obligation, the guilt that BPD had planted.

I did just that, and i can see clearly the path of destruction of my business life, my personal life and the potential lost of my children (from a previous marriage). That clarification helped me see beyond the attachment mind, and I left. That was the best decision I had ever made, because soon after that I met my now wife and have been very happy ever since.

[AsGoodAsItGets]

From experience of being thier, and helping my ex throughit, and getting a job. It didn't change anything.  I had a small company with 400k cash.  I'm broke now and the ex never loved me, she viewed me more as a parent figure to take care of her.  The relationship in the end helped her, and destroyed me.  I from the beginning wanted it to work, until she was in a good spot but still treating me horrible, even after all the love I poured into her.  She does love herself, so that's good, but she wants nothin to do with me.    Good luck.  It's hard to save one self.  You need it to.  Please let us know what happens.