Not even sure it's BPD?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi everyone.

Been reading for days now, and many of the stories is like word for word of my experiences.

I'm confused if she does have BPD or not?  We both went to therapy alone, then together.  And my therapist finally told me that even though he was supposed to help us work things out.  He thought it would be best for me to leave.  Because she was BPD.  Her therapist told me that she wasn't.  I'm not sure how her sessions went, I was very honest in mine, as if I was doing wrong I wanted him to tell me so i could grow and be better.

Just like all the flyers said happened.  Amazing in the beginning.  It was like we were meant to be together forever. She did have some trust issues in the beginning, but I thought it was because of previous relationships, and said I could be patient and earn your trust.  And I don't think that day ever came.  I noticed the immaturity at times.  There was anxiety about things that no one could control.  And I think that control was the source of the anxiety.  There was sadness at times.  More than usual.

She is a very brilliant woman.  A pharmacist and an instructor actually.  So she actually knows exactly what BPD is. She doesn't do all of the severe things, but enough of them that I have seen

I think I then tried to make her happy.  When she was happy, I was happy.  I realized that I have become codependent.  I look back and don't think I was ever this way.

There were times when her thinking didn't make logical sense, and when I would ask about it, I would get the silent treatment.  I recall her therapist bringing up The Four Horsemen, and that we should not be doing any of them.  She was doing all 4 to me.

We finally had another fight, as she was asking for me to come see her (I'm working in a neighboring state), and she had actually drove by twice.  And I didn't have a car at the time as well.  I asked, you could come visit too.  That would be awesome too.  it was like if I didn't make the effort then she wouldn't.  It's like she had given up a long time ago, and has just been like stringing me along.

She emails me and says, we are just no compatible, and she is giving up on us.

As much as it hurt, I respected, and cut all contact off.  Stopped looking at social media as well, as being reminded how great her life was, just hurt even more.

A loong month passes, and out of the blue she sends me a text message.  Saying you probably won't respond to this.  I know it's been a while since we talked.  But she wanted to tell me that she started seeing someone, and wanted me to know from her instead of hearing it from someone else.

I am crushed.  I don't see the logic in that hearing it from her, makes it somehow better.  We had been together for 3 1/2 years, and was engaged too.  A month later, she is already seeing someone.  I can't even look at another woman right now, as I still think of her.

I'm so hurt and confused right now.  I do know I have to let go, it is just so hard.

[DaKid]

Hi everyone.

Been reading for days now, and many of the stories is like word for word of my experiences.

I'm confused if she does have BPD or not?  We both went to therapy alone, then together.  And my therapist finally told me that even though he was supposed to help us work things out.  He thought it would be best for me to leave.  Because she was BPD.  Her therapist told me that she wasn't.  I'm not sure how her sessions went, I was very honest in mine, as if I was doing wrong I wanted him to tell me so i could grow and be better.

Just like all the flyers said happened.  Amazing in the beginning.  It was like we were meant to be together forever. She did have some trust issues in the beginning, but I thought it was because of previous relationships, and said I could be patient and earn your trust.  And I don't think that day ever came.  I noticed the immaturity at times.  There was anxiety about things that no one could control.  And I think that control was the source of the anxiety.  There was sadness at times.  More than usual.

She is a very brilliant woman.  A pharmacist and an instructor actually.  So she actually knows exactly what BPD is. She doesn't do all of the severe things, but enough of them that I have seen

I think I then tried to make her happy.  When she was happy, I was happy.  I realized that I have become codependent.  I look back and don't think I was ever this way.

There were times when her thinking didn't make logical sense, and when I would ask about it, I would get the silent treatment.  I recall her therapist bringing up The Four Horsemen, and that we should not be doing any of them.  She was doing all 4 to me.

We finally had another fight, as she was asking for me to come see her (I'm working in a neighboring state), and she had actually drove by twice.  And I didn't have a car at the time as well.  I asked, you could come visit too.  That would be awesome too.  it was like if I didn't make the effort then she wouldn't.  It's like she had given up a long time ago, and has just been like stringing me along.

She emails me and says, we are just no compatible, and she is giving up on us.

As much as it hurt, I respected, and cut all contact off.  Stopped looking at social media as well, as being reminded how great her life was, just hurt even more.

A loong month passes, and out of the blue she sends me a text message.  Saying you probably won't respond to this.  I know it's been a while since we talked.  But she wanted to tell me that she started seeing someone, and wanted me to know from her instead of hearing it from someone else.

I am crushed.  I don't see the logic in that hearing it from her, makes it somehow better.  We had been together for 3 1/2 years, and was engaged too.  A month later, she is already seeing someone.  I can't even look at another woman right now, as I still think of her.

I'm so hurt and confused right now.  I do know I have to let go, it is just so hard.

[enlighten me]

Hi DaKid

Im sorry you've had to deal with this.

Welcome to the family.

Your confusion as to whether or not she has BPD is a common one. My ex wife has had numerous therapists. I think one may have suggested to her she had BPD or even diagnosed it but cant be certain. What I do know is the therapist told her something she didn't like so she stopped seeing her. Its very difficult for a therapist to diagnose BPD as the person in question is hardly ever honest with their answers. My ex wife blames all her woes on everyone else so its hard to see through it.

I also felt that I hadn't been co dependant but my exs made me this way. I had traits and it felt like my exs managed to magnify these to full blown co dependency. I realise now that this was my weakness in my relationships and made me put up with so much and to even get involved in the first place.

Letting go is very hard because we are letting go of a dream. It had the potential to be all we ever wanted in a relationship.

Keep on posting and reading.

The lessons on the leaving board are well worth reading.

Your not alone there are plenty here that can empathise with you.

EM

[klacey3]

Hi DaKid,

I know what it is like to ruminate about whether your ex has BPD. My ex wasn't diagnosed. I know how how hard it is to try and let go without understanding. In time I think it will become less important.

What people tell me is that it doesn't matter in the big picture, what matters is how you were treated. If you weren't treated very well that is all that matters.

[DaKid]

What people tell me is that it doesn't matter in the big picture, what matters is how you were treated. If you weren't treated very well that is all that matters.

Actually this is so so true. My therapist said that's what it sounded like. I read ALL of the suggested reading and even though it's not 100% (as there are so many levels of BPD) there were enough signs of it. And in the end what matters is how badly I was treated after all I did. All I gave up. Every single person that observed our relationship has said wow. You have so much patience. To have stayed this long. Wow you do so much for her and she doesn't appreciate it.

Even if nothing is wrong. I do feel the hurt of being discarded to quickly and treated so badly.

Thanks klacey3 for the better perspective.

[klacey3]

What people tell me is that it doesn't matter in the big picture, what matters is how you were treated. If you weren't treated very well that is all that matters.

Actually this is so so true. My therapist said that's what it sounded like. I read ALL of the suggested reading and even though it's not 100% (as there are so many levels of BPD) there were enough signs of it. And in the end what matters is how badly I was treated after all I did. All I gave up. Every single person that observed our relationship has said wow. You have so much patience. To have stayed this long. Wow you do so much for her and she doesn't appreciate it.

Even if nothing is wrong. I do feel the hurt of being discarded to quickly and treated so badly.

Thanks klacey3 for the better perspective.

No problem

Its my therapist that told me that as I told her it felt really important to know whether he is or not a person with BPD. She asked me why it was important. I said that if it isn't a mental illness and he is just not a nice person then I would have less patience and dislike him even more. But if he does have it then I will have more empathy for him and allow more negative behaviours as he can't help it. My therapist said she is noticing I am viewing the relationship as more carer/patient than boyfriend/girlfriend.

Can you relate to this? Do you know why its important to you to want to know whether he has BPD or not?

I know logically it doesn't matter in the bigger picture but I still can't help to wonder at times. I hope it helps you

[DaKid]

Its my therapist that told me that as I told her it felt really important to know whether he is or not a person with BPD. She asked me why it was important. I said that if it isn't a mental illness and he is just not a nice person then I would have less patience and dislike him even more. But if he does have it then I will have more empathy for him and allow more negative behaviours as he can't help it. My therapist said she is noticing I am viewing the relationship as more carer/patient than boyfriend/girlfriend.

Can you relate to this? Do you know why its important to you to want to know whether he has BPD or not?

I know logically it doesn't matter in the bigger picture but I still can't help to wonder at times. I hope it helps you

Actually when I think about it. I can relate to this. Like it tugs on the "wanting to help her" emotion. Like I want to understand so I don't repeat this pattern. But at first I wanted to because in my mind I think I still wanted to help her. I know the best thing is to let go and walk away. It just is easier to say than to do... .