This is a powerful story for me and possibly others that are in the midst of trying to “understand” what happened with their broken R/S’s. The background is a little lengthy but will help contextualize the point.
My 2bx-w/BPD traits came by yesterday for the second time in one-week to discuss settlement terms of our 10 year marriage, which she requested/insisted end. These visits were preceded by an initial email and request to exchange furnishings after one-month NC. I thought nothing of the furniture exchange, typical her, she did not want something any longer and thought of a way that she could get something out of it. Retrospectively, I suspect that this was her manifestation of a mini recycle.
Her first of the two visits was Saturday. She was the amicable but distant person that she has worked so hard to portray to me since our b/u and her departure over 2 months ago (very BIFF for those of you who know what that is). I had high hopes for our discussion as she was the one that requested it.
We talked for about ½ hour and at the end we had an agreement that was, in my mind, 80% of the way complete with one important, but not show stopping, detail.
She contacted me yesterday to complete our conversation but asked to do it via telephone, which I did not agree to. I should have seen this as a
.
She arrived and we started to discuss the remaining detail and she quickly made it clear that she wanted to reduce the settlement amount by 35%. I have already agreed to give up 50% of what I am entitled to so that we could complete an agreement, now she wants to reduce that by another 35%.
I tried to be rational with her,
#2. There was going to be none of that in this discussion. She is a bulldog when it comes to money and possessions and takes pride in getting the better of any situation; it is the proverbial feather in her cap that proves she is not as unworthy or less than as she internally believes herself to be.
It didn’t take long before the insults, illogical statements and gaslighting started up; “I never said that”, “you are so untrustworthy”, “what is, is”, ”everything that I say I am going to do, I do – unlike you” etc.
I had had enough! I have given up a lot of ground to reach a settlement so as to be done with all this and continue to free myself from this marriage and my tweener status of not married/not divorced. I was not going to give up another penny nor take any more BS. She got up to walk out the door and I insisted that she sit down and negotiate the remaining difference and told her I wanted to be done with the marriage and move on and would not take a penny less else I would call my attorney straight away.
This is where it got extraordinarily interesting. Suddenly – like a light switch – the bulldog went away and a frail and scared little girl was sitting in front of me. Crying, shaking, visibly out of sorts, anxiously fidgeting with her pocket book, looking at me for protection and I suspect wanting me to tell her I love her and it is going to be ok and wanting me to validate all her protestations. WHOA!
Deep moment of confusion for Joe; am I defending myself from a bully tyrant or taking care of a frail woman who is about to break? Now I am feeling shook up, full of self-doubt and was instantly transported to another dimension with a total loss of navigational bearings.
Upon replay and analysis I see that what happened was I took her control away from her without even knowing that was what I was doing. By telling her I wanted to be done with the marriage and would not drop a penny lower; she went from the person who was leaving me and dictating her terms to feeling like she was being abandoned and as a result simultaneously morphed into the powerless little girl that lives within her.
For the first time it became crystal clear for me what her BPD traits are all about, why she treated me so poorly during this divorce, why she was so demeaning to me during the marriage, how much she wants to be cared for and how scary that is and why I have been so confused and bounce between north and south poles in a moment’s notice.
It is scary, enlightening, freeing and incredibly sad. I don’t know what to do with all these feelings. It is like watching a documentary movie that brought to life all the ineffable thoughts and feelings that have churned around inside me for so many years. The movie ends, the lights come on and I am overwhelmed with numbing feelings. Honestly, I am still absorbing it all.
Perhaps now I can balance my thoughts of the “good times” with an equal measure of insight into what it means when the person you love has BPD; not only to them but for me too.
