What if she gets better?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hi everyone,

I'm new here (had been on the Staying board) because my BPD partner of two years broke up with me for calling 911 after she threatened suicide. She literally texted me "we're over" from the ambulance. And I decided to hold her to that.

My ex (I still keep wanting to call her my partner  :'( ) wanted to take back the breakup tonight. I'm not letting her. This is the second time in a month that she's broken up with me and then wanted to change her mind the next day. She's been very unstable and almost nonstop projecting and blaming everything on me.

But generally today she was saying she knew I did the right thing by calling 911 yesterday. And said she was going to start DBT.

Of course during the same conversation she was going back and forth, at one point started sniping at me about calling the cops, etc. And this isn't the first time she's desperately promised to start DBT. Earlier this year she promised to do a DBT intensive outpatient program because I was about to break up with her, but then changed her mind because she thought it would make her feel bad about herself. 

So I'm sure the odds are very low of her even starting DBT -- let alone engaging in the treatment, sticking with it long-term, getting on better meds, etc.

But still, if she ever becomes capable of a healthy relationship, I really hate the idea of not being with her. There were times that were not splitting black or white, when I felt like I was with a real person, and those times were magical. We wanted the same kind of life and at times had a real connection beyond the BPD-influenced mirroring and idealization (honestly being painted white just makes me uncomfortable).

Is it totally out of the question to maintain some contact with her in the hope that she might make some lasting change? I don't want to continue letting her drag me down and keep me from living my life. And it would take a LONG time and a LOT of progress for me to be comfortable with the idea of restarting a life with her. But I wouldn't be ready to date anyone else for a long time anyways.

[thisagain]

Hi everyone,

I'm new here (had been on the Staying board) because my BPD partner of two years broke up with me for calling 911 after she threatened suicide. She literally texted me "we're over" from the ambulance. And I decided to hold her to that.

My ex (I still keep wanting to call her my partner  :'( ) wanted to take back the breakup tonight. I'm not letting her. This is the second time in a month that she's broken up with me and then wanted to change her mind the next day. She's been very unstable and almost nonstop projecting and blaming everything on me.

But generally today she was saying she knew I did the right thing by calling 911 yesterday. And said she was going to start DBT.

Of course during the same conversation she was going back and forth, at one point started sniping at me about calling the cops, etc. And this isn't the first time she's desperately promised to start DBT. Earlier this year she promised to do a DBT intensive outpatient program because I was about to break up with her, but then changed her mind because she thought it would make her feel bad about herself. 

So I'm sure the odds are very low of her even starting DBT -- let alone engaging in the treatment, sticking with it long-term, getting on better meds, etc.

But still, if she ever becomes capable of a healthy relationship, I really hate the idea of not being with her. There were times that were not splitting black or white, when I felt like I was with a real person, and those times were magical. We wanted the same kind of life and at times had a real connection beyond the BPD-influenced mirroring and idealization (honestly being painted white just makes me uncomfortable).

Is it totally out of the question to maintain some contact with her in the hope that she might make some lasting change? I don't want to continue letting her drag me down and keep me from living my life. And it would take a LONG time and a LOT of progress for me to be comfortable with the idea of restarting a life with her. But I wouldn't be ready to date anyone else for a long time anyways.

[Turkish]

It's good that you asserted that boundary. It sounds like the next day that she split you white again. Despite being hurt (maybe angry)  that she would coldly cut you off after you may have saved her life, you still have affection for her. She was your partner after all.

Something you said jumps out at me, "being painted white makes me uncomfortable." How is that? I think I can relate, but I don't want to assume... .

[thisagain]

I do still care about her a lot. I was used to just blowing it off when she broke up with me because I knew she'd change her mind within 24 hours. But there were some other lines she's crossed lately that made me unwilling to recycle this time. I've been doing my best to apply the Staying Lessons for quite a while, but she's just been too out of control for it to have much effect.

About the being painted white, it usually just felt kind of creepy... .even at the beginning before I knew about BPD, it made me uneasy because of the intensity and obvious fakeness. It's creepy to be told you're an angel from heaven sent to save someone's life when you've been dating for like two months.

And then once I'd had a taste of being painted black, being painted white felt so precarious and fake because I knew how fast it could go the other direction. My fond memories are of the (rare) more balanced middle times rather than the painted-white times.

I guess what I mean is, from what I've read of the Leaving board and lessons, the typical narrative of these relationships is for the Non to get sucked in by all the idealization at the beginning, and then stay because they're chasing the high of being split white again. And that the Non's feelings of "love" or a bond or connection between them is just the intermittent reinforcement of being painted white. I don't really see it that way. But maybe everyone feels like their relationship was different, their pwBPD really loved them, and they had a real relationship and a connection that wasn't just based on crazy... .

[HopefulDad]

But still, if she ever becomes capable of a healthy relationship, I really hate the idea of not being with her.

This was what held me back from filing for divorce, the idea that my BPDxw one day could be "cured" and we could go on and live a happy life.  I would ask myself, "If we did file for divorce, but then one day she cured herself, would I take her back?"  For the longest time, my answer was yes.  After a while, that answer became no and instead I just hoped she would get better for her sake, not mine or for the relationship's sake.  That's when I knew it was time to file.

Epilogue: I've since met someone else.  Someone healthy.  Someone empathetic.  I'm not saying this person is "the one" as I have no idea what the future holds, but she is a reminder that our pwBPD aren't the only people for us.

[willtimeheal]

For six years I hoped my partner of six years would get better. I held on so tight to those good times and pushed the bad ones away. My thought was always ... .this time it's going to be different... .She promised... .She started therapy.  Those good times never lasted long and therapy never lasted. I couldn't Stan  the idea of her getting better and us not being together so I hoped and waited. Then one day after once again I was devalued, cheated on, discarded,she started drinking, and I was raged at I decided to take my life back. I realized I would probably be waiting for the rest of my life for the person I fell in love with... .She simply didn't exist. I decided that if she did get better than I would put it in fates and God's hands and we would find our way back to each other if it was meant to be... .but in the meantime I wasn't going to miss out on my life and let someone else drag me down. It's been a year. It's been difficult but the best decision I have ever made. Don't waste your life waiting. Go live.

[JQ]

Hello This again!

You sound like a lot of us ... .the eternal optimist ... .it's who a lot of us are that are here. Always looking at the positive side of things. MY exBPDgf is not much different then yours, she's been in and out of therapy for 25 plus years. We've had some really honest & open discussions on her BPD, my codependency ... .none of it easy but very much needed. She has told me that she believes that her current therapist doesn't have the experience of PTSD, or Sexual trauma, EMDR or DPT treatment and sought out & obtained another one who has the experience. I only hope that this one will advance her treatment, she deserves to be happy ... .to find peace in her life ... .even if I'm not in it.

But if you've done your homework about BPD, it's a life long struggle even if they do find a good therapist and it will be for you as well if you stay. There is evidence that they can & do respond to treatment but it's always going to be a uphill battle for both of you. I'm in the same position you are in ... .do I leave the for good, full NC, in order to go live my life or do I sign on for what is going to be the crazy train roller coaster ride from hell at times. If I stay, I sign on with my eyes wide open knowing that there is and always will be BPD in our lives. I know that as much as we try, go to therapy and support each other, there will be incidents, there will be events that happen ... .am I strong enough ... .are we strong enough to manage all of them? Will it be as you say,  "a healthy relationship"?  Well what is a "healthy relationship" when BPD is at the foundation of it. 

This is at least my second "Major BPD relationship" ... .the first one crashed & burned. I chose to go full NC with her and thought I was better off without her and it turns out I was. I'm older now ... .by 25 years and my second "Major BPD relationship" is with a girl I fell in love with in High school ... .lost contact for 25 years & she reached out to me 3 years ago. It's been a crazy train ride ever since and a major life learning lessons as well. I owe her nothing ... .I owe myself everything and the thought of being with her during the good time is amazing to think about ... .and when times are not so good they are scary to think about. To date I have moved back to her (1/2 way across the country) once and back to where I started once spending thousands of dollars to do it. She wants me to move back to her, but I'm gun-shy to say the least. She can't promise me that she won't have a triangle on me ... .so I'm leaning with staying where I'm at ... .even when she tells me she loves me and wants to be with me.  She has told me she is damaged ... .I know that it started long before me ... .I can't control it and I won't be able to cure it. so like you what do I do?

I read stories all the time here that NON's put years into the relationship only to leave after years of conflict ... .events ... .issues ... .only to find themselves financially broke, mentally exhausted & emotionally tired. I also read stories from here where NON's stay in the relationship and continued to work on the relationship ... .continued to encourage them to go to therapy even as they go themselves. I've gone down this road once before ... .sure everyone is different ... .sure I want to believe her when she tells me things ... .but I think to myself do I pay attention to my spidy senses or do I ignore them ... .like you I certainly don't like the position I'm in so what do you do? What do we do? Well I certainly would not expect anyone here to tell me how I should handle the situation ... .only I ... .or YOU can answer that question. From that choice we will learn a lesson ... .either good or bad but we will learn.

I still care about my first exBPDgf & have recently learned that she had a real battle with cancer in the last 5 years and continues to battle. I am human, I do care for her, but it's basic human nature ... .I care for her like anyone else afflicted with this terrible disease ... .but I do not love her as I once did. She has told me she would be with me tomorrow if I would let her but that's NEVER going to happen. I have lost one formal gf to cancer in the last couple of years and I felt sad ... .I'm sure I would with her too but it's not like the loss of a spouse. This time I think things might be different like you do ... .but nothing is for sure ... .hell nothing in life is for sure except taxes. So as I've said more then once in these forums ... .do you like me take the blue pill and wake up in our bed happy & ignorant to the situation (do I leave) ... .or do I take the red pill (do I stay) and chase it down the rabbit hole to see how far it goes Morpheus? 

I encourage you to read all that you can here, the references, all the forums and books on BPD and even seek out a therapist to really see what you're going to be in for if you choose the red pill. It's a choice NOT to be taking lightly ... .KNOW what you're doing when you sign not the dotted line for a life with your BPD SO, that way you can't say I didn't know or someone encourage me to stay. My mother & sister encourage me to get back with the first BPDgf recently ... .I chose to ignore their wishes and followed my own path. I must now do the same with this one ... .as you must do with yours.

I wish you peace & strength for the journey ahead ... .either way ... .you have to look yourself in the mirror and know you made the correct choice for yourself and no one else.

JQ

[thisagain]

HopefulDad, what contributed to you changing your mind and deciding that no, even if she were "cured" you wouldn't take her back? Was it just time?

She says she's starting individual DBT this week and a group as soon as the group starts up... .Maybe this isn't realistic, but what if she's basically capable of holding up her end of a relationship in like 6 months or a year? I wouldn't have been ready to be with anyone else by then anyways.

And I don't need her to be perfectly "cured." I read up on the Staying lessons, was really committed to doing my part to have a lower-conflict relationship and protect my own needs and boundaries. It just wasn't enough at this point because she's too unstable. Which is why I'm not allowing her to recycle or "recant" the breakup immediately.

For the foreseeable future, I think the best thing for me would be NC. So far I've done well at upholding the boundary and staying firm and balanced in my responses to her, but I get really upset whenever she calls or sends messages. I just moved to a new place and have been too much of a wreck to even unpack much or take the empty cardboard boxes to the trash. Plus I have a job that requires a great deal of emotional energy from me (lawyer for refugee children), so I can't be totally drained by dragging this ex relationship along.

But I just can't shake the hope that someday she might be capable of a healthy relationship, especially if she engages with this treatment plan she has now. Though I know it's very likely that she won't stick with it.

As you can tell I have a lot of conflicting thoughts going on, so I'm sorry if this is confusing to follow... .I just really think there was at least some real connection there and the potential for a very happy relationship. But my reality over the past two years has been such a painful disaster.

[HopefulDad]

HopefulDad, what contributed to you changing your mind and deciding that no, even if she were "cured" you wouldn't take her back? Was it just time?

I think I finally realized I didn't want to spend the rest of my life waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I didn't want to spend energy wondering "she's okay now, but what about tomorrow?  Or next week?  Next month?  Next year?"  You get the idea.

I don't need that.  But honestly, neither does she.  She deserves someone who isn't going to be distrustful of the work she has put in, of the results of a lot of hard work should she choose that path.

The truth is I *do* want her to get better.  We have children together and her disorder affects her relationship with them.  If she gets better, it will greatly help their relationship.  Their healed relationship would mean the world to me, not my getting back together with her.

[thisagain]

Thanks, that makes sense.

Would you recommend NC right away for someone who doesn't have the children or divorce to deal with?

I miss her SOO much and have all these silly fantasies of us still going on adventures together, her holding me and comforting me, etc... .Which makes it really painful to maintain contact with her, but I'm also not sure I could handle NC and moving on.

She was already making some progress from non-DBT therapy (until the stress of moving and living apart triggered this major dysregulation), so I think there's at least a small possibility that sometime down the road we could have a good relationship that wasn't compromising my needs and boundaries.

But it's much more likely that the DBT will be too much for her and she'll quit it and find someone else to use like she was using me. Or even if it changed the way she saw the world in the future, she might still hold onto all her distorted memories of me and how supposedly awful I was to her.

I guess I could do like "willtimeheal" and leave it up to fate, or assume she'd get back in touch if she was really 'better' enough... .It's just so hard to accept that the person I want to be with doesn't consistently exist.

[thisagain]

And now she's all over Facebook about how great her life is, school is going great, she's optimistic about her (factually nonexistent) new health problems, she's seeing her family this week... .Three days after being suicidal because she thought her health was falling apart, school was impossible, and she thought her family hated her. So unstable!

This is why I didn't let her recycle immediately, because it's happened before. She appears to hit rock bottom, says she understands the problem and will get help, and then the wind blows in a different direction and she just keeps steamrolling along.

She'll probably find someone else soon who will believe all her stories about how her life is so hard and everyone else has been so awful to her... .good luck to him or her.

I'm leaning much more toward NC now, although I'll still be really curious and tempted to find out how the DBT works out. My prediction is that she'll either not go at all, or stop going as soon as they start questioning her woe-is-me victim view of the world.

[willtimeheal]

And now she's all over Facebook about how great her life is, school is going great, she's optimistic about her (factually nonexistent) new health problems, she's seeing her family this week... .Three days after being suicidal because she thought her health was falling apart, school was impossible, and she thought her family hated her. So unstable!

This is why I didn't let her recycle immediately, because it's happened before. She appears to hit rock bottom, says she understands the problem and will get help, and then the wind blows in a different direction and she just keeps steamrolling along.

She'll probably find someone else soon who will believe all her stories about how her life is so hard and everyone else has been so awful to her... .good luck to him or her.

I'm leaning much more toward NC now, although I'll still be really curious and tempted to find out how the DBT works out. My prediction is that she'll either not go at all, or stop going as soon as they start questioning her woe-is-me victim view of the world.

I wish I could give you a simple answer. There isn't one. You have a good insight and are asking yourself all the right questions. Trust your gut. It holds the answers.

[thisagain]

Thanks My gut mostly just wants to run back to her and snuggle up and hear her tell me it's all going to be okay, but I know that would be a lie.

How do you accept that you can't be with someone because of their mental illness? My previous breakups were pretty clear-cut, we just didn't click or weren't compatible for some reason. My pwBPD and I always seemed to have similar values and goals, enjoy common activities, want the same kind of lifestyle, etc... .the only reason it didn't work was her BPD.

[thisagain]

I keep thinking about the life we had planned together that was just so magical. I really hate the idea of giving up even a small chance at having that life... .The smart part of me knows her illness probably would have interfered and either ruined the relationship entirely or kept us both miserable a lot of the time anyways. But still, I miss our life and I want the future we planned together.

[thisagain]

Broke NC last night and got the list of all her grievances against me that she thinks are proof that I have a problem with being condescending, judgmental, etc. And that there's no way those perceptions are influenced by her mental illness because she only has "mild PTSD and a lot of stress." Apparently neither the ER doctor nor her own therapist chose to inform her of their BPD diagnosis - her therapist doesn't like the word 'borderline' but told me that she fits the definition as "someone who has trouble controlling their emotions."

I still think we could make it work if she had good therapy to address the BPD symptoms like projection. The "judgmental" accusation is because when she fears something about herself, she will often twist my words to accuse me of thinking/saying it instead of just facing up to her own fear. So I guess that's treatable, but for now, boy is she delusional.   

Does DBT ever work on breaking down their delusion that they're just a sweet little victim and everyone else is the problem?

[HopefulDad]

Personally, if I had no ties to my pwBPD (e.g. children), I'd go NC.  Clean break.

To take this exchange off in a slight tangent... .

Do you think you could find this passion with someone else?  The fantasies you have... .why unique to her?  Or is perhaps your reason to want to make things work partially influenced by a belief that you will struggle to, or perhaps never, find anyone else to love?

BTW, this is why I recommend NC.  It allows you the distance to think deeply about these questions without being influenced by the pwBPD.

[Turkish]

As with any therapy, there's no magic bullet. It takes a committed patient. With time and therapy, she could indeed recover. There are no guarantees here.

If you do contact her, try to forget the borderline Dx. The doc has a point about the stigma of the word "borderline," which is why there is a movement to rename it ERD (emotional regulation disorder).

[thisagain]

All good questions, thanks H.D.! And I'll be sure to revisit this because I imagine my answers will change over time.

I'm sure I could have at least some of it with someone else. A lot of the things that brought us together were common interests and values that not many people share... .It wasn't even passion so much as a sense of comfort and rightness when we were together, that (when she wasn't dysregulated) this was someone who I could be myself around. And the silly things I love like seeing penguins at the aquarium, filling my apartment windowsill with flowers, driving to random places, and just mundane trips to the pharmacy or something, were so much more fun with her (again when she wasn't dysregulated, and of course now she's saying she felt unhappy and "unsafe" for most of the time). And in some ways she was really understanding and supportive of my disability, except when she was throwing fits or trying to mimic my illness for attention.

I just don't know that there are many late-20s lesbians out there who would push me in a wheelchair at the aquarium when I was too sick to walk and share as much joy with me as she did. Or beg to wheel me around the neighborhood showing me flowers. I mean statistically the odds for a lesbian in a conservative suburb are not great anyways.

[thisagain]

Thanks for the tips Turkish. I haven't brought up BPD with her for several months and don't plan to again, but she jumps to being defensive about how she "only" has PTSD a lot. (Usually in the context of she "only" has PTSD and she's improved and basically recovered so if we're still having problems it must be because something's very wrong with me.)

Her T has worked with her on "black and white thinking" so I did ask her to think about how that could affect how she perceived me throughout our relationship... .but I don't think she's ready to hear that. I doubt she'll be willing to leave her victim comfort zone.

[HopefulDad]

I'm sure I could have at least some of it with someone else. A lot of the things that brought us together were common interests and values that not many people share... .It wasn't even passion so much as a sense of comfort and rightness when we were together, that (when she wasn't dysregulated) this was someone who I could be myself around. And the silly things I love like seeing penguins at the aquarium, filling my apartment windowsill with flowers, driving to random places, and just mundane trips to the pharmacy or something, were so much more fun with her (again when she wasn't dysregulated, and of course now she's saying she felt unhappy and "unsafe" for most of the time). And in some ways she was really understanding and supportive of my disability, except when she was throwing fits or trying to mimic my illness for attention.

I just don't know that there are many late-20s lesbians out there who would push me in a wheelchair at the aquarium when I was too sick to walk and share as much joy with me as she did. Or beg to wheel me around the neighborhood showing me flowers. I mean statistically the odds for a lesbian in a conservative suburb are not great anyways.

I get the first paragraph.  I felt a connection with my BPDxw, could be my dorky self around her, etc.  I wondered if I could have that with anyone else... .so I dated.  And dated.  And dated some more.  And yes, I met plenty of women who didn't measure up.  But I was okay with that, because I wasn't going to settle.  I didn't need a relationship.  I wanted one, but it had to be right.  And now I've met someone who is fun to be around, who shares my interests, with whom I can be myself and she accepts me for who I am, but even better than all that is that she is empathetic, doesn't play "the victim", can speak her mind when she doesn't agree without the conflict going to hell.  I'm glad I gave myself that chance to see what else is out there.

Maybe I read your 2nd paragraph wrong, but I do read something along the lines of "maybe this is the best I'll ever do".  As if you know you're settling to some degree because you've run the numbers in your head and don't think the odds favor a better relationship.  I don't think you deserve to be resigned to fate.  Nobody here deserves that.  Maybe your assumption is right and you'll never meet anyone better.  Or maybe you're wrong.  So now it's just up to you decide which mindset directs your actions.

Personally, if I felt I'd never meet anyone better, I'd be working to prove myself wrong and if years later it turns out I was right, I'd have no regrets.  The alternative of staying and then wondering in the back of my head if maybe I should have looked elsewhere is not a reality I want to live.

[thisagain]

I guess the stayer in me sees it as, everyone is going to have things I'll love about them and things I won't like at all. Obviously the full-blown uncontrolled BPD behavior is not something I can live with (god knows I've tried and studied up on the Staying board and everything). But if the BPD improves, I hate the idea of losing all the things I love about her.

Generally until the past month or so I was thinking that the good definitely outweighed the bad in the relationship... .it's just her recent dysregulation that's made things intolerable. And I'm realizing that until she really faces up to the issues and works on herself, the good times will inevitably be interrupted by some crisis in her life that makes her unable to be there for me. Plus she keeps building up her delusional painted-black view of me, so each dysregulation gets worse with a longer and harsher list of insults and accusations.

If I knew there was a non-BPD equivalent of her out there, I'd go NC in a heartbeat.

[thisagain]

Feeling sick. For some reason I thought we would be different than the nons on here whose exes with BPD are merrily rolling along with someone new within a week... .but now she's flirting with a likely replacement on facebook  When we were together she would try to provoke me into acting "controlling" (one of her favorite accusations) by telling me about how her only friend at school is a lesbian who is always giggling and staring at her chest. And now she's flirting with this girl, sharing her favorite poems and quotes, etc.

I guess I need to accept the reality here and try to move on?

[HopefulDad]

Feeling sick. For some reason I thought we would be different than the nons on here whose exes with BPD are merrily rolling along with someone new within a week... .but now she's flirting with a likely replacement on facebook  When we were together she would try to provoke me into acting "controlling" (one of her favorite accusations) by telling me about how her only friend at school is a lesbian who is always giggling and staring at her chest. And now she's flirting with this girl, sharing her favorite poems and quotes, etc.

I guess I need to accept the reality here and try to move on?

Relationships shouldn't make you feel sick.  Not like this.

There are plenty on the Staying board who accept the reality and don't move on.  But I do think if you choose to accept the reality and stay, it's important to understand exactly what you are accepting:

- There's a very good chance she never genuinely loved you, but rather cycled you through periods of idealization and devaluation.

- That what she's doing now with the FB flirting may never end.  There may be other similar behaviors she'll exhibit when you've been devalued.

- That she may never change.

Do you accept this?  If you do, can you live with this?  Think long and hard about this and decide what's best for you.  Only you know the answers to these questions.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey thisagain, It is hard to give up the dream, yet the reality is more like a nightmare, in my experience.  LJ

[thisagain]

Yeah. I don't want to stay with that. The devaluing, manipulation and setting me up to look like a monster, etc. Don't want that. I was getting pretty good at handling everything until she started with the campaign to convince me that I was abusive, controlling, and judgmental. I know I am none of those things.

LJ that's exactly it. Hard to give up the dream even though the reality has been (and likely would have continued to be) a nightmare.

I haven't talked to her since Sunday night and I'm very proud of that. Yesterday I didn't even cry. Today I went to therapy. I think I'll do ok at putting myself back together.

[HopefulDad]

Yeah. I don't want to stay with that. The devaluing, manipulation and setting me up to look like a monster, etc. Don't want that. I was getting pretty good at handling everything until she started with the campaign to convince me that I was abusive, controlling, and judgmental. I know I am none of those things.

LJ that's exactly it. Hard to give up the dream even though the reality has been (and likely would have continued to be) a nightmare.

I haven't talked to her since Sunday night and I'm very proud of that. Yesterday I didn't even cry. Today I went to therapy. I think I'll do ok at putting myself back together.

Good luck.  There are lots of good people in the Leaving board and the [L6] board who are in your shoes (wheels?) and can help you through what will undoubtedly include some tough times.  Despite the difficulties, you can always look at your decision to begin the life you want as a source of strength and pride.  Hard decisions that come at a cost, but are ultimately what's best for you, should be applauded.

[thisagain]

Good luck.  There are lots of good people in the Leaving board and the [L6] board who are in your shoes (wheels?) and can help you through what will undoubtedly include some tough times.  Despite the difficulties, you can always look at your decision to begin the life you want as a source of strength and pride.  Hard decisions that come at a cost, but are ultimately what's best for you, should be applauded.

Thanks so much for all the support and thought-provoking responses, H.D.!

Re: the life I want... .the best thing I ever did during this relationship was realize that I couldn't plan my career around living with her. She was constantly changing her mind about what she's going to do with her life and where, so I decided to just pick the job that was best for me regardless of where it was. Starting to live apart was partly what triggered her last dysregulation, but I have my dream job and a great apartment in a town that I love

I wish I had friends nearby (was planning on spending weekends with her), but I plan to try different ways to meet people once I'm a little less of a mess.

[willtimeheal]

How do you accept that you can't be with someone because of their mental illness? My previous breakups were pretty clear-cut, we just didn't click or weren't compatible for some reason. My pwBPD and I always seemed to have similar values and goals, enjoy common activities, want the same kind of lifestyle, etc... .the only reason it didn't work was her BPD.

Unfortunately, you have to accept it if you want to get on with your life. The hardest thing I ever did was close the book on my six year relationship with my exBPDgf. I was scared and I thought my life was over. All those plans and dreams ... .gone. Over time I would come to realize I was the only one with those plans and dreams... .She always had one foot out the door. It's hard not to blame yourself or think that something is wrong with you... .but it has nothing to do with you.

It's lonely at first but you slowly take baby steps and you get your self esteem back and you realize how all this time you have been "settling."  And you deserve so much more. I still doubt myself at times ... .I see how normal and happy she looks on FB with my replacement bit then I hear the stories and I once again come back to reality and realize... .thank goodness I got out.

You need to start appreciating yourself... .your talents and abilities. You both had so much fun in the beginning and had similar values and dreams because she was mirroring you. The person you want to be with doesn't exist... .She never did. Realizing that is how I accept my ex has a mental illness. The person I saw and knew... .never existed.  Stay strong.

[thisagain]

Thanks willtimeheal, that post really helped. I'm keeping a big document full of posts like that to read when I get too sad.

Still can't bring myself to commit to no contact, although I am very sure we will not be getting back together in the foreseeable future... .I spoke with her for a while today and she has (at least for now) gained quite a bit of insight about the problems in our relationship. She actually did start a DBT group which sounds promising. But I could still see how far she is from a healthy partner, even when she's trying hard and doing relatively well. And of course all that insight she showed today could blow away tomorrow.

She kept asking me to tell her if I was absolutely sure that I never wanted to be with her again. So I told her, I would love for you to get better and for us to build a happy relationship, but based on the history, I just don't think that's likely to happen. And of course her BPD brain can't handle the nuance of that. So she kept going back and forth between either things like talking about what our house will look like, or saying she won't hang up because she's afraid we'll never talk again. I tried to discourage her from the house talk or thinking we'll definitely get back together, and I also told her that I can't promise to 'wait for her' or not date other people. But it was sad to see that even when she's saying all these insightful things about the relationship, she's still very much BPD. And I remembered how exhausting it is to try to keep up with the flipping.

I joined a dating site, just to kind of see that there are other people out there and 'practice' chatting, maybe make some local friends. I'm definitely not looking for a relationship, but I do tend to get really stuck after breakups thinking that this person was my only chance to not be alone forever. Which is hitting even harder this time, since she and I seemed to click so well and were together for much longer than my previous relationships. So I'm trying to avoid getting stuck like that.

[Turkish]

thisagain,

Have you seen this thread on Leaving? Maybe it can help.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=284223.0;all

[thisagain]

Thanks, Turkish, I have seen that. I guess I just don't want to pick one?

If I had to pick I guess I'd pick "release with grace," though there are really no communications necessary since we weren't married, no kids, no joint finances or living situation. She's made it clear that she wants me to stay, either in a relationship or some sort of in-between thing where we talk somewhat regularly about the problems we had, "our" progress dealing with "our" mental health issues, and try to see if we can make it work. I guess the best way to describe what she wants is kind of a therapeutic separation except without the couples T, without a time frame, and we already weren't living together.

I'm having trouble convincing myself to tell her that I don't want to stay in touch or know about her progress. Definitely don't want to restart the relationship in her current state, but I was really committed to staying and it's hard to shake the optimism. Even though I know that in reality she's much more likely to go back to blaming me for everything, either quit DBT or start distorting it all to use against me, etc.