SELF ASSESSMENT | Which best describes your approach to detachment?

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Which best describes your approach to detachment?



I want to resuscitate = Partner has closed the door completely or for the most part or blown the relationship up. If I'm honest, I still have hopes to revive the relationship.

Do not resuscitate = Partner has closed the door completely or for the most part or blown the relationship up. I'm committed to not pursue and not try to revive the relationship no matter how hard that is for me.

Release with grace = I'm exiting the relationship and my partner wants me to stay at some level. I'm letting go with grace, compassion and dignity for everyone.  I can handle the limited communications needed to do this and I can keep them under control without revisiting the old relationship dramas. I am not too emotionally vulnerable to handle this.

No contact = I'm exiting the relationship and for now I need the avoidance/withdrawal of "no contact" because I am emotionally vulnerable (contact is hurtful and upsetting) or because I am angry or resentful (I'm getting even or making a statement).

In an ideal world, we'd like to operate in the green zone, or temporarily go to red zone (6-8 weeks) and then later back to green. In some cases, these relationships reach a state where we can't.

What is the most significant factor driving you to be in the mode that you are in?

See list of all romantic relationship surveys

[Teereese]

Release with grace via text, as I am in the process of divorce.

I tried NC but during the divorce process, it does not work. If I do not communicate, everything goes through the lawyer, which can get expensive over his ridiculous and childish requests, demands and flagrant contempt of court orders.

I only deal with direct divorce issues via facts. No feelings or personal discussions.

I get a lot of baiting and "attacks" from ustbxBPDh but am not interested in biting. I no longer feel the need to defend or prove anything.

[Beach_Babe]

I want to resusitate (a friendship), my ex does not. The goal for me now is DNR

[Learning Fast]

Release with grace.  My situation is such that the relationship unwound over the past couple of months versus a hard, abrupt stop. I've also spent almost a year on this site so there has been plenty of time to mentally and emotionally prepare for the behavior cycle (which was almost textbook based on what I've learned).  Additionally, we live in the same area and have daughters who are very good friends so some type of contact is likely (although it won't be initiated by me).   Finally, because mine was high functioning, I never experienced some of the extreme behaviors that others have posted.

[sangreal]

Resuscitate.

Reasons are 1: I have worked and commited myself to this relationship. Love happens with time and work and dedication. And just like anything else patience and strongness is how I go on. When I start on something I go through it all.

2: I would feel like betraying myself if I quit this after so much time.

3: I see the light in her heart despite many many negative things. I see the genuinity in her.

She restored my faith in god, restored my faith in love. No other person showed me this. She did all this not by telling anything but just by being herself. She doesnt believe in god when I asked her she said "no theres no god it would be the most stupid mistake in life". And this girl restored my faith. I dont even want heaven or anything like that. She is my peace and my home. Faith and love is very related to her with me somehow. She gave me so much meaning.

3: I made a promise to her and again its against myself to break this. Doesnt matter what promise is and to who I give it to.

Its just two options either I completely finish myself even with so much energy I have. Or I resurrect her from her dead state.

[hollycat]

release with grace, although sometimes I go NC when he makes me angry with his nasty texts.  I haven't gotten those since his surprise visit last weekend. Maybe being together as a married couple took some of his edge off.  I still do realize I cannot live with him unless he were to actively get treatment, including meds.  I know he won't do it.  I cannot live with his delusions, his extreme views, his rage, his massive control issues.  We want a different kind of life. He told me last week he would never "conform."  I still love him though.

[joeramabeme]

What is the most significant factor driving you to be in the mode that you are in?

I chose release with Grace.  Not that I feel this everyday and sometimes slip into anger mode.  

Most significant factor; we are going through legal process for divorce and are no longer living together.  We have intermittent contact and when I see her outside the context of a day-day R/S, my ability to see her behaviors is not skewed by my desires.  

As a result, I am feeling some relief for myself and sadness for her that she cannot see her-self - and may never be able to.  She really is a beautiful person and I do not want to hurt her anymore than she already is and has been.  

[valet]

I fluctuate between 'do not resuscitate' and 'resuscitate' at times. I am mainly settling into 'do not resuscitate' and more recently 'release with grace'.

I still love my ex—a motivating factor for all three stances, but more so for 'release with grace' and 'resuscitate'. When I am in 'resuscitate' mode, it is almost always due to me having a bad day of some sort (a day in which I get triggered by something). This will probably always be a part of who I am, but I am getting a lot more skilled at recognizing and managing my emotions surrounding that feeling. It's totally alright, as far as I'm concerned.

With distance, the details have become clearer, and I realize how destructive and painful the relationship was to both me and my pwBPD. This has kind of become my point of reference when I think about my past with her.

I have focused on myself significantly in past few months. I feel happy. I think that as this becomes more and more solid I'll be completely in 'release with grace' mode. So really, the most significant factor is me—how I manage myself, my life, and choose to live.

[Cane787]

No contact

I don't want it this way since I am a firm believer in communication and honesty, but I had to go no contact. After an almost 30 year relationship and a recent reconciliation that actually went well, I know as well as she does that she won't pursue the much needed therapy. She can only be honest with herself in the idealization/honeymoon phase, so I felt no passion to fight anymore. (especially when I noticed the vague abusive signs around the corner.) The need for my own well being became more important than her well being for the first time.

[letmeout]

No contact all the way. I am making a statement

No contact all the way, although I hear through our kids and grand-kids that he wants to be friends. I am still emotionally vulnerable to his manipulations so I dare not have any communication with him.

I don't feel that I am still angry or resentful, but I realized I am making a statement by refusing to go near him or talk to him. After all of the horrible things he did to me, why would I ever want to have anything to do with him again? Why should I?

[English Sid]

Definitely NC for me, not interested in her at all anymore, has been 4 months since the break, trying to find her current address from other sources so my lawyer can serve divorce papers.  

[Rmbrworst]

Do not resuscitate = Partner has closed the door completely or for the most part or blown the relationship up. I'm committed to not pursue and not try to revive the relationship no matter how hard that is for me.

I'm getting to the point where No Contact has been very healthy for me, but it's run it's course.  I am currently not going to engage with my exBPD because he does not wish to speak with me.  That is fine.  If at some point he contacts me, I wont run away . . . I shall have a conversation if he would like, but with firm boundaries in place.

I do not wish to re-open the relationship.  The only SLIGHT possibility that I would re engage, is if he agrees to a huge regimen of therapy both with and without me.  I highly doubt he will agree to that, and that's okay.  Even if he did, I would not re-engage romantically for quite some time, until I knew therapy and seeking help was working.

But as it is now, I am actively moving on, focusing the love I had for him on myself, but I'm not stressed or anxious about being strictly no contact.   I have learned a lot, especially about myself.  I will count this as a blessing . . . I am focused on working on myself and getting my self worth back.  

Also excited to be spending time with friends again.  Been in a dark depression, but I'm learning very quickly to enjoy my life without him.  

I'm sure I will have some strong emotions for quite some time, but I feel like I am over the hump.  

Thanks for all your support.  I have a feeling I will be coming here for quite a while even after I make a full recovery, which I now know is on the horizon.

To think I came here a week ago, a complete and total mess . . . to where I am now, speaks volumes about how important it is to have support.  I'm not sure I could have gotten the space I'm in now without the help of others.

[kc sunshine]

I am somewhere between release with grace. In our exchanges, I am release with grace. My internal self is in more turmoil, and I struggle with LC to NC. LC gives me a little too much information (e.g. what she's been up too, how happy she is) and also leaves room for little digs at me, which I don't take up (just an "ouch" sometimes). So I'm hoping a couple of weeks NC will give me the space to have more internal stability and less rumination about her. I'm hoping NC will be just a short term thing, toward the long term goal of both an internal and external release with grace.

[Scopikaz]

Trying the release with grace.  If I really loved her then I can't just turn that off like she can. I'm trying to have no illusions or expectations.   I've been trying to go no contact. Hasn't worked. I'm trying very low contact now. But truly I want it to be resurrected In the long run.

[troisette]

Release with grace was my first choice but I couldn't understand the terrible pain I was experiencing, not functioning well, day-to-day, fluctuating emotions. Almost unbearable grief and loss.

Then was told about BPD. My responses began to make sense, his behaviours became understandable although I still felt flayed. Following six weeks of reading about BPD I decided on nc.

Eight months of nc and increasing understanding of myself and him. A sense of growth in myself. More understanding of him gives me compassion. I will never forget the dreadful pain of a year ago, it is a major deterrent whenever I think about the good times.

And memories of good times are now coloured with memories the horrible things he did/said to me and so the good memories are weakened. I don't blinker myself nowadays and the rosy lens of loss are not operating. I see much more clearly.

I've found nc to be beneficial and feel I am recovering although it will take further time. I also am much enlightened, I feel change within and sad for him. Getting there, with the help of nc.

[khibomsis]

My BPD ex ST'ed me so I did not have much of a choice. I guess if I did it would be 'do not resuscitate'. I mean, I could probably have tried harder to break through the ST in time. But honestly I did not want to.

The strangest thing was that what I grieved the most was the loss of a friendship. We were friends first, and somehow I always assumed that would be a bedrock to which we could return. Nope, no such thing.That broke my heart for years. But you know if our friendship meant that little to her then it really wasn't worth it. Instead I had to ask myself how I could have given so much for so little? How could I have had such bad judgement? That led me on a journey where I ended up detaching from a few other exploitative friends as well. It's like I just outgrew people. So I'm content  to appreciate the learning experience. I may see her at a work function in July, if so I intend to gray rock it.  Leave well enough alone I say.

[kc sunshine]

I'm going for release with grace-- actually more accurately, release with grace and get out of town!

[Larmoyant]

Resuscitation mode

I’m also conflicted. I would dearly love to be able to work it all out, so it has to be ‘resuscitation mode’, but his accusations and refusal to accept any role in our demise and his subsequent attacks on my character lead me to ‘no contact mode’ or as I call it, protection mode. Any more of this and he’ll have crushed me completely. I’d like to get to the point where I could release with grace. A place where this doesn’t hurt anymore.

[VitaminC]

No Contact for 9 weeks. Very much needed. I feel as if Release with Grace will be happening soon - I can feel myself moving towards it.

Last week I would have said No Contact Again Ever Mode. Partially because I still felt too vulnerable and too angry and too burned from the many attempts at ending things in a healthy fashion and then going back.

It seems, from the many posts here, that 3 months is some kind of watershed. So I am staying aware of any tendency to recidivism, but I don't think / feel that will happen. There are too many other things vying for my attention - the whole rest of my life that had been allowed slip and in another 3 or so weeks, I hope I'll be enough involved in all of it so that this relationship will have receded.  

In the meantime, I am keeping alert to little changes in myself and any triggers: A nice memory? Acknowledge and put a nasty one beside it for balance, then get busy doing something else. I do note how the emotion gets drained out of the bad ones more easily than the good ones. That's a bit weird, but I've always been a generally positive person, so maybe that's why.

[FallBack!Monster]

I want to resuscitate (a friendship), my ex does not. The goal for me now is DNR

I wanted I want to resuscitate a friendship, but she want things (of course) her way or nothing at all.  She doesn't seem to be interested in a friend she can't fully control.

[Infern0]

Currently in DNR but it wavers sometimes.

I don't think I'll be able to make a final call for some time. I'm currently pretty F.O.G so I like to have a clear head before making big decisions

[Larmoyant]

Can you be in several of these modes?

I want to resuscitate =  I left, he keeps contacting me but nothing for the last week or so. I think he's really gone this time and it makes me miss the nice him. There's still a tiny, tiny part of me that wants him back.

Do not resuscitate = I am committed to not contacting him and have no desire to do so, but still open to him contacting me for some reason. I still don't have it in me to block him, but if he never contacts me again I'm ok with it. Let the pain fade away.

Release with grace =  I have exited the relationship, but I think he wants me to stay at some level, like me. However, I'm not willing to stay at the level he wants so I would like to let go with grace. I have a lot of compassion for his suffering, but am beginning to have more compassion for my own. Actually, I don't think I'm in this mode because I don't believe I can handle his communications. They still trigger me. Still too emotionally vulnerable. I will work towards being in this mode.

[lovenature]

NC for over 9 months now. I have tried to go LC or "release with grace" in the past, but she had such strong cognitive distortions and tried to cling to me that I had no choice but to remain strict NC on my end in order to do what was best for both of us.

[Sadly]

I have moved on to release with grace I am happy to say.

[Curiously1]

I fluctuate between resuscitate and do not rescuscitate with exBPDlover before the misunderstanding and drama. Even though it is one sided I enjoyed the friendship aspect of being with her. Even if it's shallow or just for partying I would be cool for a distant type relationship with her and still see that as possible. Do not have the desire to be friends with my exBPDgf. Although the curiousity is still there in regards to seeing how much both of us change  --or not change... if we ever bump into each other again years into the future. Don't want to see her face anytime soon. I am happier without her now. I can now picture a life without her and I am glad.

[IamGrey]

I released with grace post B/U but then her childish antics and drama forced me to go NC. Can't see that changing, nor do I want it to at present.

[butters]

Release with grace. That didn't work so NC. That also didn't work. Release with grace. Nope, didn't work either. Am trying NC again. I think I will have to be strong and remain NC. She baits and is now getting angry at me. It's a side i've seldom seen aimed at me before tbh

[Renard]

I could release with grace, yet that would require at least one mostly honest conversation. I am still oriented to resuscitate because the relationship was good, she is high functioning, and I believe that in time we might find some honesty about the crisis that caused the termination and re-contact.

[butters]

Renard, that is exactly why I keep bouncing between NC and release with grace.... desperately trying to have one final honest conversation about past behaviors and wanting closure. And to be honest, I've tried so hard, yet failed everytime. It's making matters worse and I think i have to accept that the only closure
I can get will come from myself. Good luck in finding your peace.

[FallBack!Monster]

it's making matters worse and I think i have to accept that the only closure
I can get will come from myself. Good luck in finding your peace.
Weird to to see this quote. Exactly my thoughts. More so since last night. We are at extremely LC. Can figure out why I even bother. Our communication is empty, sad, and at her leisure. Also still lies. Had sex with her last weekend. It was good but something was missing. Realized that's her one and only best performance. What she's good act. Best role. Was what I liked. What's What drew me in.

[michel71]

I am in total RESCUS.... with my uBPDw who moved out today.

My best friend says " I am worried that you will go back with her". I just say "no". That's a lie.

I am pining for her already. Sent several texts that I love her. Dying to hear it back but she won't.

She says that she needs time to process. Wants some space. I am trying to take her at her "word" and hope that she is not just trying to punish or get me to an even weaker, less empowered state.

[Keef]

>Do not resuscitate<, since I've totally lost faith in this relationship. She discarded me 3 w ago after I wouldn't apologize for something I never even did (sleeping w someone else). This summer she abused me physically in a bad way - I'd liked her to have apologized for that... .- and I guess that experience has grown on me. There's no stopping the demise of this relationship, even though she's started therapy.

She's reached out two times the last two weeks. First with blame mail, and then after a week of silence with another e-mail, saying 'I miss you'. Well, sorry baby. It takes more than that to make us two dance yet another tango.

[unicorn2014]

I'm working with a therapist to do release with grace

She wants me to take a 1-2 month sabbatical from the relationship. I have unsuccessfully been able to do that so far however today I started a stopwatch on myself in terms of when I reply to his text, and I'm also starting a text count before I read. My therapist does not want me to block him but to learn how to ignore him.

I communicated to him per her instruction I need some time to get my head back together after some difficulties I've been through. I asked him politely not to text me so much. He of course went ballistic. She's working with me to ignore his texts and to kind of have a "so what" attitude towards them.

I've unfriended him on Facebook, sent his email to junk and put my phone in do not disturb mode. Text is the one thing I have to deal with. Oh, I also unplug my landline when he starts calling. So far today I have not talked to him on the phone so I guess this is day 1.

There were periodic no phone contact when he would go on a trip, but this one is initiated by me.

[SonicGhost]

Do not resuscitate--she ended the relationship after 30 years. I am working toward releasing her with grace.

This is a great survey question. I appreciate the candor with the responses.

I heard through my adult kids that she recently left the state. Good riddance!

I am now more focused on gaining healing for myself and for our kids. Thankfully they have begun to open up to me about their issues and incidents with our BPD wife and mother over the last 10 years. Horrifying stories! I always find it fascinating how a BPD can twist the perspective on almost anything to make themselves look good.

I am moving on. I will work on my severe codependency issues and consider another relationship some time down the road. It is going to take some time to recover from what appears to be 30 years of BPD and Bipolar.

[tlc232]

Other -- Depends on what day of the week it is and what happened.  I am feeling that NC would likely be most effective but I have a requirement that I am not happy about with the exBPD (a contractual one).   I would love release with grace, but as usual, only one of us is being graceful and it isn't effective.

[Speck]

Do Not Resuscitate

High functioning uBPDw left me four times.

I can no longer lasso a wild horse; may get kicked in the teeth.


-Speck

[clvrnn]

What is the most significant factor driving you to be in the mode that you are in?


I am in DNR mode. She has changed her number and I have no method of contacting her, except on Instagram (which I do not have). I was in NC for ten weeks before I found out she'd done this.

What drives me to remain silent is that she is able to destroy my mental health through her words and actions (even if this isn't her intention). I suffer anxiety attacks, severe depression and suicidal thoughts when I'm in contact with her. Regardless of how much I want to return to her, the most important thing is my health and I can't do that to myself anymore.

[clvrnn]

What is the most significant factor driving you to be in the mode that you are in?


I am in DNR mode. She has changed her number and I have no method of contacting her, except on Instagram (which I do not have). I was in NC for ten weeks before I found out she'd done this.

What drives me to remain silent is that she is able to destroy my mental health through her words and actions (even if this isn't her intention). I suffer anxiety attacks, severe depression and suicidal thoughts when I'm in contact with her. Regardless of how much I want to return to her, the most important thing is my health and I can't do that to myself anymore.

[Calli]

No contact (and a bit Resuscitate if I’m totally honest) 

Such a great thread.  I am in the NC stage, which I know (and he knows) is what is best for both of us.  I know that he wants what is best for me, and himself, and vice versa.  It’s incredibly painful sometimes.  But I know it’s what it should be.  But to be honest, I do know that I wouldn’t trust myself if he tried to contact me.  I feel like I would be sucked right back in.   There’s a part of me that wishes we could go back.  Try better?  But I also know it’s not possible (as I did my best).  So somewhere inside of me there’s a part in resuscitate mode.  And I would bet it will be there forever.  Which frustrates me so much if I let it.  But then I remember that I shouldn’t fight it.   Let it be.  Accept that part and let it go.  It’s ok to be where I am now.  I have hope for brighter days, and already I can acknowledge that things are much better and simpler in many ways.  Thanks for this thread. My heart goes out to all of us struggling with letting go. 

[Goosey]

I’m doing it the hard way.
Agonized so much it becomes a sad comical.
  (And that’s a step forward (maybe) to realize that)

My reality now is…. Know anything that will never happen between us is worse then what I feel everyday without her.
   My riddle.
    Like a crime scene. Don’t go back to the act.

[SaltyDawg]

What is the most significant factor driving you to be in the mode that you are in?

This poll is geared only for one BPD relationship, I've been and currently am in two, so I answered 'other'.

With the uBPD/uNPD/u+exgf - DNR w/ NC would be in order, that is what I did with no regrets.

With the uBPD/uOCPDw - RWG would likely happen as I have finally called my wife's bluff on her divorce/separation threats - these have stopped and 'we're still both in the relationship'.  I feel that 'I've advanced beyond these early stages of detachment' as I have come to terms if my wife wants to leave me, as I am now able to let my wife know 'she is free to go' with the caveat that she must leave the marital home, which she is unwilling to do.

^{Resuscitation mode
 Do not resuscitate mode (DNR)
 Release with grace mode (RWG)
 No contact mode (NC)
 We're still both in the relationship
 I've advanced beyond these early stages of detachment
 Other (please explain in post)}