Broke "no contact"

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Oh dear after almost a year of strict no contact I put myself back into a very triggering situation last night being with old mutual friends who asked after her. Then this morning with a bad hangover sent her an 'I miss you still love you text'... .Not feeling very clever right now. But I guess on the positive side I couldn't squash all these feelings down nor deny them and sending a text as opposed to ringing. Anyway she just texted back saying not a good idea to speak on the phone unless I just wanted to be friends so that's another healthy dose of closure which is kind of good I suppose

[Front runner]

Oh dear after almost a year of strict no contact I put myself back into a very triggering situation last night being with old mutual friends who asked after her. Then this morning with a bad hangover sent her an 'I miss you still love you text'... .Not feeling very clever right now. But I guess on the positive side I couldn't squash all these feelings down nor deny them and sending a text as opposed to ringing. Anyway she just texted back saying not a good idea to speak on the phone unless I just wanted to be friends so that's another healthy dose of closure which is kind of good I suppose

[once removed]

hey frontrunner 

so how are you feeling as a result?

[SGraham]

It's ok bud,'we all mess up now and again. Just try to take care of yourself these next couple of days - i imagine this was pretty triggering

[Front runner]

Thanks for replying... I feel various things. Being in nc although good kind of put me in a state where I felt she didn't really exist and I was easily triggered by lots of things. Getting in touch with her forced me to confront things like she is getting on with her life and completely moved on from me. So in that respect I now have to take responsibility with my life now. She's not there for me in anyway and doesn't want to be. Whereas in nc particularly when I have weak moments I turn on this fantasy that she's going to see the light and reach out to me. And I play scenarios of that happening for a few days until I have a crash. If I can see it like an air strike helping the rebels in my mind. I just didn't want to go down the distorted route this time. Because of the big triggers of last night I would have given myself a terrible ride. So from this point of view there is in fact no train to board so in some way I have given myself a short term break.

However in saying all of that breaking no contact was a mistake and I will go at least another year or hopefully forever ... .as everyone said I'm just wasting my life away with the ruminating and I really want and need to just get over it. Hopefully I can use her reply to help me do that. Also breaking nc makes me feel like a sick person and I don't want to make myself feel that way. Thanks for replying i really needed some support here

[Front runner]

I guess telling her I still loved her was over the top and something I'll regret but at the same time I just thought I'd cut to the chase instead of phishing for something in an indirect way and prolonging contact.

[jhkbuzz]

I guess telling her I still loved her was over the top and something I'll regret but at the same time I just thought I'd cut to the chase instead of phishing for something in an indirect way and prolonging contact.

You know, you can make the decision not to regret it, and instead choose to see it as an expression of love to someone who couldn't receive it - and that's on them, not you. You can also view it (like you said) as closure - which is a very good way to look at it. No more fantasy, time to rebuild your life, meet new people, expand your horizons - what would you do if you could do anything?

I read a quote about six months ago that became a tagline under my signature:

Look closely at the present you are constructing: it should look like the future you are dreaming. ~ Alice Walker

For some reason, it had the effect of making me look - really look - at my 'present' - and it lead me to make some pretty radical changes in my life circumstances. I know the future I want (lots of friends, more time with my family, a home near a major city, hopefully (very hopefully!) a r/s) and I'm aligning everything in my life today to make it easier to have those things in the future. Maybe it's time for you to start planning too!

[Front runner]

Thank You for that. I Love that quote. Seize the day there is no tomorrow. Start living now. Yes exactly I needed more closure another nail in the coffin to take the next step. Acceptance of the love I have for her. Completely solid confirmation from her that it isn't reciprocated and she has no feelings for me. So what if I texted her that . I've been in enough pain. Thanks

[myself]

a state where I felt she didn't really exist

I'd add that we can also feel, when not in contact/without closure, that we don't exist (to them). It's human and understandable that we want and need our feelings to be heard. Then when we are acknowledged, whichever way it goes, it often helps us not be as stuck. Able to move forward. We see that we do indeed exist, and are doing so without being in the r/s. We survived, and have already been picking up many of the pieces. We live our lives.

[Front runner]

Tactical contact when you're ready or need it can help. It hurts like hell and I feel terrible but with any luck it can be another stepping stone towards my detachment and help with accepting that the relationship is well and truly over. I can look at the text every time I need confirmation of that. It does put the reality back into myself and my feelings. There's more hurt to process for me and I can do that. The fantasy balloon has been popped and I need to keep it popped and face what needs facing. Thank You again

[Front runner]

It's the self loathing I feel now that's the awful bit. But that's probably the crux of the whole problem anyhow and why I entered into and stayed and hung on to that relationship. What I feel now more than anything is a deep self hatred. This is where the work needs to be done. Breaking nc has brought this to light more than anything. This is where so much of the pain is. Need to stop living in the past full stop. Living in the past is just living in pain. Yes the self hatred- a real revelation.

[jhkbuzz]

It's the self loathing I feel now that's the awful bit. But that's probably the crux of the whole problem anyhow and why I entered into and stayed and hung on to that relationship. What I feel now more than anything is a deep self hatred. This is where the work needs to be done. Breaking nc has brought this to light more than anything. This is where so much of the pain is. Need to stop living in the past full stop. Living in the past is just living in pain. Yes the self hatred- a real revelation.

I have to tell you, I found a therapist who helped me process the end of my r/s, and is now helping heal some wounds I should have addressed a long time ago. I can't recommend the process enough.

[jinnymvp]

I got drunk last night and broke my nc too. Mine was out of anger though. Ugh I feel ya buddy, feeling incredibly stupid and toxic to myself.

[Front runner]

Thanks yes I've been seeing a T for about 4 years anyhow. It's a very good thing to do. I find it brings up heaps of stuff tho and then can find that stuff quite overwhelming and difficult to process- like the stuff around my ex. The only way is through that's for sure. I do regret breaking nc. But you've got to take the positives out of it and maybe now I'll never feel the need to again

[jhkbuzz]

Thanks yes I've been seeing a T for about 4 years anyhow. It's a very good thing to do. I find it brings up heaps of stuff tho and then can find that stuff quite overwhelming and difficult to process- like the stuff around my ex. The only way is through that's for sure. I do regret breaking nc. But you've got to take the positives out of it and maybe now I'll never feel the need to again

That's right - and that's the wonderful thing about your thoughts - you get to choose which ones stay and which ones go! Take the positives out of it and keep moving forward!

[Front runner]

It's the acceptance and letting go that I find so difficult. Is that an ego thing? I don't know

I feel I can face the pain. I have done loads. But how do you truly accept and let go do you think? Is it just time or what? Thanks

[jhkbuzz]

It's the acceptance and letting go that I find so difficult. Is that an ego thing? I don't know

I feel I can face the pain. I have done loads. But how do you truly accept and let go do you think? Is it just time or what? Thanks

I do think it's a matter of time for sure, combined with a thorough understanding of the disorder and an understanding of myself -  and the reasons why I stayed in an unhealthy relationship. All three were important for my healing.

[Front runner]

Thanks. For me 'understanding' the disorder has the opposite effect of helping me move on. Because of the recycling black and white thinking and the splitting etc and let's face it people with BPD recycle more than most and also tend to come out of the woodwork years later... .this just doesn't help me detach and move on. I think it's just healthier to see them as people without a disorder and just see the facts and the reality. They have moved on and don't want to be with you anymore. If I think about the disorder it just puts me in the fog. Forget the disorder face the facts and look at the actions. That's the best way for me. Not saying oh she's mentally ill that's why she's not with me. Or she's mentally ill so will probably try and come back at some stage. I just don't think that's healthy. She's moved on she's with someone else she doesn't want anything to do with me- Fact! What am I going to do about that. Move on and find someone else x

[Front runner]

The problems with us. Why when we all saw the 'red flags' did we choose to give our hearts to people who could never reciprocate that love in a healthy way. I mean if you turn the coin on its head we are the ones that can't love were the ones that can't have lasting and fulfilling relationships. Unless of course we change. We need to do the work on ourselves. I know I'm making some fair old generalisations here but if I meet someone whose genuinely loving towards me I find that difficult. But give me someone whose going to cheat terrify me make me walk on eggshells make me feel so vulnerable and insecure paranoid and obsesses - oh yes here's my heart- I mean really whose the one with the issues. Correct, it's me.

[Front runner]

Bpd is an attachment dissorder. The major symptom of someone with BPD is they can't detach from an unhealthy relationship. Some of us need to take a long hard look at ourselves here

[Front runner]

This is the elephant in the room here

[jhkbuzz]

Yes, these relationships reveal dysfunction on both sides - that's an important realization. My ex's behavior was pretty extreme, chaotic and dishonest - but I chose to stay longer than I should have. Now what? Look at the whys and heal so I can live a happy, healthy life. That's the goal!

[Front runner]

Thanks . I just picked a big scab off that has taken me back a bit. I'll try and relax about it and stop beating myself up about it and move on stronger this time

[jhkbuzz]

Thanks . I just picked a big scab off that has taken me back a bit. I'll try and relax about it and stop beating myself up about it and move on stronger this time

In addition, perhaps try to figure out why you're viewing it through a "beat myself up" lens at all.  Some of the negative thoughts I had to replace: "I'm an idiot for hanging on so long" "She never loved me" "She's doing great and is happy and I'm never going to meet anyone again"

None of those thoughts were based on fact - they were solely creations of my own mind, conjured up to make myself feel even worse than I was already feeling.

It sounds cliche, but you have to practice loving yourself. It starts with your thoughts. How about, "I'm overall a good person who loves whole-heartedly. I'm going to learn to discern who deserves my love and loyalty so I don't get hurt like this again."

Take gentle care of yourself.

[Front runner]

Thanks jhkbuzz you've been great support. I guess I'm angry and frustrated I still have the attachment. Angry and frustrated with myself. Maybe I can use this anger to help me detach further. Part of its the realisation it's just a hell of my own. My egos gone to war and taken some casualties. It's become an ego driven injury. I can really feel that now. That's where the low self esteem self hatred comes from. The egos punishing you're not good enough etc unworthy useless. Foo issues lols ... .Anyway thanks and here's to letting go of the ego!

[Front runner]

Have you seen inside out- very sweet Pixar movie. Bit cheesie but found it helpful

[jhkbuzz]

Thanks jhkbuzz you've been great support. I guess I'm angry and frustrated I still have the attachment. Angry and frustrated with myself. Maybe I can use this anger to help me detach further. Part of its the realisation it's just a hell of my own. My egos gone to war and taken some casualties. It's become an ego driven injury. I can really feel that now. That's where the low self esteem self hatred comes from. The egos punishing you're not good enough etc unworthy useless. Foo issues lols ... .Anyway thanks and here's to letting go of the ego!

I understand that really well, for sure. Whenever I've told my therapist that I just want to be done with it all - attachment, pain, all of it -  she smiles and reminds me that my pain isn't really coming from my ex - it's representative of an older, deeper wound that she and I need to get to the bottom of.

[Front runner]

Thanks. Yes on paper I understand that. And I know the bond I still feel with her is coming from a damaged place. One of the things about making the contact is that it is clear I contacted from a weak space mentally, completely ungrounded triggered and hungover. Then the subsequent mental space I've been in I can see represents my worst traits of jealousy longing paranoia obsession and guilt. All this to arise over a text. The wounds/core wounds have resurfaced and need more attention and love from myself. My foos very chaotic with plenty of trauma so I can see the trauma bond. But the attachment to the ex is still there. Time and space now. Relinquishing the fantasy. Realising no good will come from any kind of communication. Forgiving myself for the stumble and picking myself back up. I guess I have to allow the fantasy until that too disappears but acknowledging that that is all it is. See that despite the contact I'm so much better than I was a year ago. You know you're going to end up at the right place but I just want it to happen sooner rather than later. I've got a six ur old son and the rest of my life to live which I want to enjoy- free completely of the traumatic relationship I shared with the ex