just got back from worst date ever, please help

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hey all, I am on this board because I have a diagnosed sister with BPD and mother who has BPD traits, if not BPD herself.

I am writing this message in this forum because I just came back from the absolute most bizarre and frankly traumatizing date I have ever been on in my entire life and I am shaking by how scary it was. I went out with this guy that I met from work -- I had asked him out (rare for me, but I felt initial attraction to him -- very good looking guy but highly personable. Almost one of those frighteningly good looking men -- and he seemed interested in me.).

Anyway, we go out tonight, a couple hours things going relatively normally (although he did awkwardly refer to himself as being attractive 1-2x -- my first flag). Then, we are at a bar and he asks me to come over back to his place. I tell him straight up that although I am in town just for a short term basis (for work), I didn't ask him out for a short-term sexual thing. He then asked me why I asked him out if I didn't want to spend the short time I had there with him and I said that I genuinely liked him and wanted to see where things go -- without the intention of things being strictly a sexual short-term thing. He said that he "didn't expect we were going to  please read               | tonight" but that at least we would get to see each other again. I said that wasn't totally far off from what I was thinking either. But the more we talked about it, I felt like all he could hear was that I wasn't interested in him (not the case).

Long story short, he slowly but surely goes into a downward spiral. He tells me "have fun being a short-term spinster" and I asked for a apology which he didn't directly give. Tears fill his eyes (this is only the 2nd interaction I've ever had with him) and he says "I don't handle rejection well, have a nice life 'kid'" and leaves the bar. I calmly walk after him outside and he says to me while we're outside "you need go inside and pay for the bill" (What the heck?). Because this was someone from work (ugh) I didn't want to leave things a total  please read               |show. I go inside and pay for the drinks (double ugh) and when I come back out he is essentially a giant dickwad again and says  please read               | like "live and learn" and "I don't have to tell you why I'm upset."

He finally for 30 seconds manages a semblance of being calm and said: "This isn't about you. I have been in situations in the past where people have essentially  please read               |ed me over etc etc... .and I can't help how I react. This is how it is." He eventually put one hand on my shoulder and said "I'm sorry" and then walked off, with tears in his eyes.

Even though this just happened a few hours ago, I seriously feel some form of PTSD or something because I am already having difficulty recalling details and other phrases he said. It felt scarily familiar -- namely, someone going off on the flip of a switch and having ABSOLUTELY NO idea why it warranted that level of severity and reactivity.

I went ahead and blocked him on all my communication and after this last week where I am working should have to never cross his path ever again.

I seriously feel traumatized after this date and I don't know how I didn't spot it earlier. He was SO smooth up until the moment he tweaked out. Could I have detected signs earlier? Frustrated, freaked out, and sad. Any further insight? Thanks so much.

[ainteasybeinggreen]

Hey all, I am on this board because I have a diagnosed sister with BPD and mother who has BPD traits, if not BPD herself.

I am writing this message in this forum because I just came back from the absolute most bizarre and frankly traumatizing date I have ever been on in my entire life and I am shaking by how scary it was. I went out with this guy that I met from work -- I had asked him out (rare for me, but I felt initial attraction to him -- very good looking guy but highly personable. Almost one of those frighteningly good looking men -- and he seemed interested in me.).

Anyway, we go out tonight, a couple hours things going relatively normally (although he did awkwardly refer to himself as being attractive 1-2x -- my first flag). Then, we are at a bar and he asks me to come over back to his place. I tell him straight up that although I am in town just for a short term basis (for work), I didn't ask him out for a short-term sexual thing. He then asked me why I asked him out if I didn't want to spend the short time I had there with him and I said that I genuinely liked him and wanted to see where things go -- without the intention of things being strictly a sexual short-term thing. He said that he "didn't expect we were going to  please read               | tonight" but that at least we would get to see each other again. I said that wasn't totally far off from what I was thinking either. But the more we talked about it, I felt like all he could hear was that I wasn't interested in him (not the case).

Long story short, he slowly but surely goes into a downward spiral. He tells me "have fun being a short-term spinster" and I asked for a apology which he didn't directly give. Tears fill his eyes (this is only the 2nd interaction I've ever had with him) and he says "I don't handle rejection well, have a nice life 'kid'" and leaves the bar. I calmly walk after him outside and he says to me while we're outside "you need go inside and pay for the bill" (What the heck?). Because this was someone from work (ugh) I didn't want to leave things a total  please read               |show. I go inside and pay for the drinks (double ugh) and when I come back out he is essentially a giant dickwad again and says  please read               | like "live and learn" and "I don't have to tell you why I'm upset."

He finally for 30 seconds manages a semblance of being calm and said: "This isn't about you. I have been in situations in the past where people have essentially  please read               |ed me over etc etc... .and I can't help how I react. This is how it is." He eventually put one hand on my shoulder and said "I'm sorry" and then walked off, with tears in his eyes.

Even though this just happened a few hours ago, I seriously feel some form of PTSD or something because I am already having difficulty recalling details and other phrases he said. It felt scarily familiar -- namely, someone going off on the flip of a switch and having ABSOLUTELY NO idea why it warranted that level of severity and reactivity.

I went ahead and blocked him on all my communication and after this last week where I am working should have to never cross his path ever again.

I seriously feel traumatized after this date and I don't know how I didn't spot it earlier. He was SO smooth up until the moment he tweaked out. Could I have detected signs earlier? Frustrated, freaked out, and sad. Any further insight? Thanks so much.

[Suspicious1]

Wow. This has made me so angry. Sorry you had to go through all that. Sounds to me as if he's being a complete manbaby because you wouldn't go back to his flat, so he ran through a variety of emotions from outrage that you refused his advances, to a self-esteem crisis because you refused his advances, to insulting you then insisting you foot the bill for the evening because you refused his advances, to actually blaming you for his aggressive response (and hoping you "learn from it"? Really?) to an emotional tears-in-his-eyes finale because you refused his advances.

Sounds like a he has a massive sense of entitlement. The fact that he "doesn't handle rejection well" is not your fault, and you're not there to stroke his ego and make him feel better about that. The fact that he "can't help how he reacts" to rejection is massively worrying, and a big example of how he may go on to blame other people for his behaviour.

I suppose he's right about one thing there, which is that he doesn't have to tell you why he's upset. He's upset because you wouldn't go back to his flat, and his fragile ego exploded.

He's happy to blame you for his response - don't go on to blame yourself. I'm sure he was smooth and charming when he thought you might *not* reject his advances. You are not at fault for failing to predict that an apparent adult would descend into such an utter, entitlement-fueled tantrum when you didn't do exactly what he wanted. Sometimes you can spot these things, sometimes you can't. You certainly don't have a crystal ball and it would have been pretty difficult to have predicted the extent of his behaviour. Not your fault. Hope you're ok.

[Notwendy]

I don't think disordered thinking is always obvious, but you saw it pretty darn quickly.

I see where you have avoided several pitfalls that you may have not seen if your boundaries were weaker.

For one, he is good looking and you could have fallen into bed with him missing the red flags of his issues.

The other, is that when he was hurt, you could have tried to sooth his hurt feelings by going along with him.

Another is that when he threw out the blame, you may have taken them personally and tried to JADE.

Yes, it is traumatic because you were in tune with your feelings about how you felt when you were out with him- and because you saw this in only one date, this feeling will be short lived.

Seems to me, your dysfunction radar is working for you!

I don't want to sound like I am on a moral soap box here, but falling into bed before getting to know someone better can lead to missing some red flags as physical attraction can distract us from that. So, I commend you for not doing this and paying attention to the situation.

Trust your gut!

[Notwendy]

As to help with the "ickiness" feeling- that's time for self care!

Take a long hot shower to wash it away emotionally. Then do something really nice for yourself- take a nice walk in a pretty place, see a favorite movie, go to an art museum, buy a new book. ...

Feed your soul a bit and commend that part of you that said " be alert to this one!"

[ainteasybeinggreen]

Suspicious1 and Notwendy, thanks so much for your comments here -- it really means a lot to me. Namely, for holding a mirror to the situation and having me realize that I did the best I could last night, and it was enough -- since I ended up being able to return home safely and will hopefully have the benefit of never having to run into this person ever again. Again, thank you for helping me to further unpack the situation and realize that this was not on me!

[Notwendy]

It was not you!

I know how you feel because I have a mom with BPD. I grew up believing her blaming me.

So we go into relationships thinking it's us too.

But your inner radar went off on this one. I don't think you did anything wrong- it was one date.

You are savvy enough to not get physically involved too soon. My concern with this is that people can get physically and emotionally attached quickly and not see red flags.  One of the red flags for a relationship with NPD is that it progresses very quickly.

IMHO, a guy who is interested in you would not have behaved like he did when you turned him down. He gave you grief over that, but you were not in any way obligated to sleep with him, and the decision to do that should not be because of obligation or being bullied or manipulated into it.

The ickiness you feel is your boundaries being violated, but you held on to them. Now, go celebrate that you've got those boundaries that tell you this feels icky!---- cause it was  

[OnceConfused]

first of all, be happy for you just got away unscathed by a very sick man and surely a looser.

Many times we are fooled by the skin deep beauty. My xBPDgf was an attractive looking, a faked gentle manner woman. Not once she offered to pay when we were out. Not that I wanted her to pay, but a thought of sharing would be a good show of her  characters.

Any men of decency would offer to pay for the drinks, simply thank you for the date and go home, not cry like a boy. It is so bizarre.

Be happy and glad you were strong enough to say NO,

[ainteasybeinggreen]

Thanks Notwendy & OnceConfused—the more time that passes by, the more I am feeling centered and glad this was just one evening. I am a bit nervous about the latter part of this week since that is when I may (although highly unlikely) run into him at work. Again, I just pray I am able to leave the area without having to deal with him again.

Yes—his reaction was so out there—so outside any perimeter of acceptable, that it is clear to me that it is a product of some type of mood disorder. It is simply just too bizarre.

But it's just awful that there are those who manipulate and tell you what you want to hear in order to feed their own needs and egos only—whether they can help it or not. The longer-term goal here is not to let it impact my dating life (which I am actively trying to move forward).

Thanks again to you all for weighing in here.

[OnceConfused]

Next time you see him, held your head high, look him straight in the eyes and simply say in a very formal way, HOW DO YOU DO ? , then walk away. You have nothing to fear.

He is the one that should keep his tail between his legs. He should feel embarrassed inside.

What is a date? A date is simply a time we seek to get to know and evaluate the other person for a potential friendship or relationship. So through this 1 date you simply know he is not the one. So no big deal that things did not work out.

Go out and enjoy your life, date more . That is what you deserve.

[unicorn2014]

  Ain't easy being green, I'm sorry you went through that and I am glad you were able to get out of it unscathed. I don't think there's any way we can tell a person has a personality disorder by looking at them, it is only through interacting with them that that is revealed. I hope you are able to recover completely from this experience and go on to have a more positive experience with dating.

[ainteasybeinggreen]

OnceConfused & unicorn2014, thank you so much for your thoughts. OnceConfused: yes, tomorrow would be the only possible day that I would run into him but you are right in that there is nothing for me to be fearful of! (I'll continue to tell myself that.) 

unicorn2014: thanks for the support! And yes, I am excited for the possibilities that lie ahead! 

[Notwendy]

You've done nothing to be fearful of!

I think though, that is might help you to look at why this incident upset you, and the fear if you have any. I say this because I have a mother with BPD and so, I tended to take on the blame when someone else behaved badly. If I had a date like this, I might be thinking - wow did I do something to make him mad?" Another person- not raised in a dysfunctional home might have decided- "what a creep" and the encounter may not have bothered them. I think it's great that you are aware of the issues of being raised by a mom with BPD and that you posted the date and your feelings here.

The reason I say this is not because you did anything wrong, but that we bring the way we process things into our relationships. You are in a great position now, because you are dating, and can learn about relationships before you settle down. The lessons on this board- for how to deal with your family members are helpful also with relationships in general. When dating, you can be aware of red flags like in this past date.

What is dating about anyway? It's to learn about other people, what attracts us, what we like in a person, and what we don't like. It also teaches us about us. In a more positive note- isn't it great that it was only ONE date before he showed his true colors? Although it must have felt really creepy and uncomfortable- nothing really bad happened, and what a great lesson in how to deal with a difficult person.