more boundary enforcement

[maxsterling]

She wound up going on the retreat and staying the whole time.  But she wanted to start a fight the minute she got back.  Once again about things i have zero control over and wanting an explnation for something that has none.  When she wouldnt let me speak, i told her i was going for a walk.  When she cursed at me as i left i decided to go fir lunch.

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[Notwendy]

Good for you Max- getting out and then treating yourself to lunch!

[maxsterling]

Thanks for the encouragement, Wendy.  For some reason yesterday I felt a little guilty about leaving and being gone so long.  Perhaps because she had been gone all weekend, I felt like perhaps I could give her mood more patience.  Then again, boundary consistency is crucial.  The boundary here is that I am not going to spend time with someone who is calling me names and cursing at me.  And I am not going to engage in "conversations" in which the other person is not letting me speak. 

The end result was that while I was out, she asked me to pick up a few things.  I did.  I came home and she was obviously still in a grouchy mood.  Okay.  I cooked dinner, and did my best to ignore her sighs and cries for attention.  Two times I asked if she needed anything.  She said "no".  I figure if she is in real distress she can let me know.  But for the rest of the evening the rest of "her" conversation never resumed (in quotes because from my end it was a lecture and not a conversation).  She was definitely still grouchy.  She wound up spending close to an hour talking with her sponsor, then went to bed.  We slept in the same bed, and no pre-sleep fight picking from her. 

This morning, I stayed in bed while she got ready for work.  Normally, I get up with her.  I figure if she needs my help, she can ask.  And she didn't ask, so I dozed in bed. 

Maybe she is realizing her role in these "fights".  It definitely would have helped me if she apologized for the name-calling.  I still feel hurt, but thanks to my boundary enforcement I had a mostly peaceful day.

[maxsterling]

Well, she hasn't brought back up the issue that she wanted to argue about the other day.  Then again, she hasn't apologized or made any reference to her behavior, either.  She has been rather cold and closed off towards me, though.

But perhaps my boundary enforcement on sunday told her that I would not participate in these circular conversations, or conversations in which I am not offered a chance to speak.

[maxsterling]

Well, she started the argument again tonight.  I took a walk when the name calling started.  Came home and read for a bit while she watched TV.  Now electing to sleep in the spare room.  I just really need to take care of myself right now. 

[Notwendy]

Consider that we get used to our patterns in a relationship. She does her part, you do yours. Taking care of yourself is a change. However, it would make sense that your wife would keep her end of the pattern, until she realizes it isn't working anymore.

I would bet that before, if she started a fight, you would step in with your part of the pattern. In some ways the two of you reinforced each others behaviors and this pattern continued, until you decided that it wasn't good for you ( the stress of it).

You are changing the pattern, however, it may take a while for your wife to learn that her pattern isn't working like it did. Although you've likely tried to change the pattern by talking, reasoning, you know that long term behavior patterns are not easy to change like this. However, by you changing your part in it, you have changed the "dance" between you.

The important part is to be consistent with taking care of yourself. You are sending out the message to you- and to her - that you are not going to participate in this kind of thing. She may have to test this a while, but by being consistent, you are upholding your boundary.

[maxsterling]

Wendy - that make sense.  I am (slowly) changing my pattern.  I'm enforcing boundaries much sooner and feeling less shame over taking care of myself.  After my walk last night, I noticed she made no attempt to resume the argument, bait me, text bomb me, or stomp around the house muttering.  Same goes with this morning. 

The reality is that her reactions are beyond my control.  But I have a serious need to take care of myself right now.  I just feel exhausted.

[Notwendy]

Being in a challenging relationship can be exhausting, but the mechanism that leads to that is co-dependency. I think it is really enlightening that you are in touch with the feeling of shame when you take care of yourself. Shame is a component of co-dependency and BPD. Often we get it from parents who also didn't get their emotional needs met as children and passed that shame of needing care, love, and attention on to the next generation. Part of self care can include re-parenting ourselves- seeking ways to nourish that part of us that has needs. Of course as adults we don't have mom and dad to cuddle us ( some of us didn't have that in the first place) but we can nourish that inner child by doing things that are enjoyable- a hike, taking yourself to lunch like you did. That is a big one- to have someone cook a nice meal for you- even if it is a restaurant.

I know you have your groups, and your extra job, which are fulfilling, but one thing to think about is- what can you do for fun? Is there a men's group at your temple, a group that goes hiking, a foreign movie club. If you are like me, you feel really guilty doing these things. I do too, but it's hard to know exactly why. Perhaps it is because even when I was a kid, I was taking care of mom. I have friends who play cards and go on trips with girlfriends. I have to get used to the idea that I can do them too. So can you. ( not with girlfriends... with the guys).

Self care and preserving your own sanity and health is crucial Max. How can you help anyone else if you are not taking care of yourself. It's not something to be ashamed of. It's essential.

[maxsterling]

FUN - that's what I need to get back to.

I spent the whole day depressed fearing W would dysregulate again tonight and I would have to once again enforce boundaries.  However, W was much more calm tonight. I went to my men's alanon meeting without so much of a discussion.  Maybe things are shifting?

[Notwendy]

If there is any shifting, the shift is with you.

I think it is possible for relationship patterns to shift, but the one leading your way is you.

One of my favorite Dr. Phil lines was from a show where a daughter had anorexia, and the whole family was enabling her, watching everything she ate, and so (naturally) fearful of her health. They came to him for help. They were all focused on her, which is understandable, but he realized that the family needed intervention. So he said " You are all lost in the woods and are looking at a disordered person to lead you out? "

What he mean was, not for them to not be concerned- they loved her, but that, if she ate a meal, the whole family was happy, and if she didn't the whole family was fearful she would be sick. In this way, her illness controlled the feelings of the entire family and he wanted to address that.

When the "shift" comes from you Max, then you own it. You can measure your own progress. Do we backslide in to some old habits sometimes? Sure, but if we are looking at ourselves, then we can see it, catch ourselves doing it, and make a change until it is natural for us, we've learned a new way.  Looking for a shift in her behavior as a measure of our inner work isn't as accurate. Think of it like school. If she has  an "A"  day, an "F" the next, that isn't a measure of your work. Set up your own grading system for what you think is an "A" day for you: didn't get into an argument, kept boundaries- and don't be hard on yourself. Even a "C" day is progress.

It's good that you are aware of how her moods effect you.