First time reaching out to others

[Kat69]

hello, I just found this site. I didn't think to search for support before now. My daughter was diagnosed with BPD 2 years ago. I took a leave from work to help her and to drastically change my parenting. Now she is 18 and I worry more than ever because the choices she makes now can have lasting and or devastating consequences for her. I don't know how best to support her without enabling her.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hi Kat69,

Glad that you found us!

Supporting and not enabling basically means not doing for someone that which they can do for themselves.  We can support them by helping them solve their problems while not solving the problem for them.

Is there a particular issue that you would like help with regarding enabling?

lbj

[Mutt]

Hi Kat69,



I can understand how scary and stressful that would feel when your daughter has turned of age. lbjnltx gave you great advice on dependency. I find what helps keep me grounded is sharing with members that have walked a mile in your shoes. It helps to talk.

[livednlearned]

I understand! This has been a struggle for me with my son, too. Have you looked at the Karpmann Triangle resources on the site? One aha moment I had was thinking about "coaching" instead of enabling (or rescuing/fixing). People with BPD feel like victims, and we can feel so tugged toward doing things for them. I was delighted that I could apply coaching because it meant being supportive and involved without putting myself in the line of fire, as though I was the perpetrator of whatever it was causing my son distress.

Also, validation. This is a wonderful skill that can make a world of difference. When my son vents and presents a problem to me, I have learned that, "Oh?" is an amazing response. Have you found any good resources about validation? We have a lot here on the parenting board ----> over in the righthand side bar.

I'm glad you're here -- this is a wonderful support network and people really understand what you're going through.



LnL

[DreamGirl]

I don't know how best to support her without enabling her.

Such a fine line. I understand this so much.         

Is she still in school?

--DG