Difficulty maintaining platonic connections with others - Parrtner with BPD

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello everyone.  I've seen a pattern with my partner who is undiagnosed BPD.  I get the feeling whenever I form a platonic connection with someone else that my partner tries to find a defect with them and a reason that they are "douchey".  This puts me in a position of having to defend my friends from my partner or distancing myself from said friend.

I find it hard to keep friends who are in the same social circles as my BPD partner.

Have others experienced this and if so how does you keep friends without your partner trying to get in between you and them?

I hope I am making sense.

[QBert]

Hello everyone.  I've seen a pattern with my partner who is undiagnosed BPD.  I get the feeling whenever I form a platonic connection with someone else that my partner tries to find a defect with them and a reason that they are "douchey".  This puts me in a position of having to defend my friends from my partner or distancing myself from said friend.

I find it hard to keep friends who are in the same social circles as my BPD partner.

Have others experienced this and if so how does you keep friends without your partner trying to get in between you and them?

I hope I am making sense.

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[Cat Familiar]

Yes, it's almost like my friends are a threat to my husband. It's that black and white thinking that's so characteristic of BPD. If she likes them, then she doesn't like me. Or if she spends time with them, then she won't have any time for me.

I just ignore it and do what I like, although I do try to make special time for him and let him know my heart is with him.

[globalnomad]

I have trouble with this too. Every time I want to spend some time with a friend my partner takes it as a personal rejection. Like Cat Familiar says, it's classic black and white thinking. I want to spend time with a friend, that must mean I don't want to spend time with her. Therefore that friend is a threat to her.

I used to tiptoe around this a lot -- and started seeing certain friends less because I just didn't want to deal with the drama. After some good advice from people on this site I recently vowed to change this. I no longer engage in defending or justifying these friendships, and I no longer ask for permission to spend time with them. I just do it (within reasonable limits).

It's a work in progress

[Notwendy]

It's been difficult, but try to maintain your friendship circle.

It's interesting how this has evolved with us. When we were single and dating, we had a lot of friends. As a single woman, I had platonic male friends, and there was no reason not to.

As we started to all get married, it became a bit awkward having male platonic friends. Naturally, their wives became their priority, and as a married woman, my H did. So people started getting together as couples. This is where it broke down for us. My H was very busy and would say he was too tired. Having people over was stressful. I got more busy with the kids, and my friends were the mothers of my kids' friends. Our worlds became divided- H had little to do with the kids and what he considered to be "woman's work" so I would either hang out with my mom friends but not with them as a couple. I would be the spare wheel without my H. He has his work and hobby friends.

Now, it is at the point where we have no friends together as a couple and do not socialize with others as a couple. I have brought this up over the years, but I believe he prefers it this way.

The only male friends I have are the guys I grew up with from childhood, and they were like brothers to me. I refused to let go of them, although my H does not like it. The reason is that, I consider them to be like family and don't feel I need to let go of people who I have known all my life. I rarely see them, but the few times I have had resulted in meltdowns and rages from my H.

I see them anyway. I have not ever given my H reason to think I would cheat, and if I do see an old male friend, it is in a family group setting - with their wives and their kids and my family too. I realize I have to follow my own values about that, and consider his feelings, but not become friendless to accommodate them.

I'm sharing my story to illustrate that it is a slow steady process, but once your friends move on, it is hard to get that back especially the kind of friends you build up over time. We don't have friends like that as a couple although I have kept some of my own friends. I can't force my H to socialize.

[OceansAway]

I'm currently having a really hard time with this as well.   I'm so tired of battling, and it seems that the only friends who are "okay" are women I knew before we got married. Unfortunately we live on another continent from most of them, which has made my feeling of isolation due to my H's uBPD even more acute. Finally I just stated that I need friends, loudly and confidently, at times when we aren't fighting about it. So far, there hasn't been a lot of progress, but I haven't given up.  The messages of progress from others keep me going, hopefully it gives you comfort too.

[formflier]

I just ignore it and do what I like, although I do try to make special time for him and let him know my heart is with him.

This is the balance that is key.  Also very important to not let "them" dictate how much is enough.  You decide how much time needs to be made for friends and how much for your partner to be special.

FF

[Notwendy]

People notice that I have mostly socialized alone, even from the beginning. Now, it is even more noticeable since most of us are middle age couples. I attend many things alone now- as the effort to drag him reluctantly along isn't pleasant so I don't. But the difference is that I go, and I keep my friends.

I have not ever given him reason to worry about me cheating, but I find it interesting that someone who is so concerned about the possibility has been conducive to making it blatantly obvious that I am alone at social situations.  People notice, and ask where he is, and I end up giving some flimsy excuse.

So far, nobody has tried to inappropriately befriend me. I have pretty strong boundaries when it comes to that, and don't spend a lot of time talking to men in social situations. It's a bit paradoxical- he will pitch a fit at a school reunion where an old boyfriend from miles away who I haven't seen in years might be there, but not attend local social events with me, in a room full of people who live in my home town and  who see me regularly.

This could make for an interesting thread on it's own. I wonder if anyone else has experienced exaggerated jealousy when there is no potential for something, and yet, not being concerned about a spouse being left at least appearing, if not feeling, lonely in public.

[QBert]

Everyone: thank you for the replies.  It helps to know I'm not alone in feeling thusly as well as hearing how others have worked with such situations.  In past relationships I've been accustomed to having a share social life with my partner: places we enjoyed going together, hanging out with each other's friends and mutual friends together, spending time with each others families, etc.

In my current relationship, she seems to prefer to stick me in a "box" in her life and prefers that I not be a part of other "boxes" of her life.  She sometimes calls it compartmentalizing.  We don't spend time with her family as she has no family with whom she enjoys hanging around.  I understand her mother to be the source of her problems and the rest of her family just doesn't seem interesting enough to her.

As for my family, she would prefer to never meet them.  She's afraid of getting too close/attached to them and losing them "when (not if) we break up".

[an0ught]

Hi QBert,

this strict separation may not be what you want but to a degree it helped to stabilize her so far so it works at least for someone. It is a bit of an all or nothing approach - you are either in or out of a compartment. While on the surface it looks like she got strong boundaries here I suspect this is as much a sign for lack of good boundary skills on her side. Black and white boundaries are so much easier to manage - even if not so appropriate. Social life is as much about boundaries defining circles as it is about crossing boundaries.

Not much you can do except

- being clear what you want/need, using SET

- accepting that she has some need for a private life and so do you

- working on your own less boxy social circles

- being aware that there could be a lot of fear, shame and other problems be hidden in her FOO relationship. Members of her family may be more dysfunctional than meets the eye. Don't push hard and don't trust easily.

- letting someone cross boundaries is an exercise in trust.  At times it makes sense to ask for it but in the end it is hers to give it.

"when (not if) we break up".

She is right. bpdfamily research shows: It is indeed best to break up before starting a relationship. Zero risk of being hurt!