Books - Getting Frustrated

[scudrunner]

I have found thread on books, but I can't seem to get this particular question answered.  Please forgive me if it's been covered before.

I'm looking for books on BPD or HPD that are written for the teen with the disorder, not the family or spouse living with the person.  I understand it's easier to sell books to those living with the frustration, and that there are more family members than patients to sell to, but surly there must be some decent books written for the BPD or HPD teen.  Something no overly clinical obviously.

Any suggestions would be deeply appreciated.

Thanks.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

Have you tried "Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder" by Valerie Porr? this book really helped me a great deal.

[scudrunner]

Have you tried "Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder" by Valerie Porr? this book really helped me a great deal.

Hi jellibeans,

Thank you for the reply.  Yes, I ordered that a little over a year ago, and as I recall it was off of your recommendation.  Thank you, by the way.

My problem is that all these books seem to be written to help a family member understand BPD, and instruct them on how to handle a BPD loved one.  My challenge is that I have a teen who wants to understand her emotions, but can't.  If a boy who she has never talked to before is on the phone with her for an hour and says, "I love you" in an effort to get her to his place, without intervention she would be out the door and would set out on a 20 mile walk to try and get there; all because that is "unconditional love and acceptance."  All the reasoning in the world doesn't matter, because it's what she "wants" right then.  She claims she has to see it, touch it, feel it to learn and wants charts and books, but selling to the patient doesn't seem to be the marketing "sweet spot."

The therapists are telling me the same thing, and no one has a good resource for what I'm trying to find.

Thanks again.

[Slipping]

I'm intrigued by your question.  And I'll say right up front that I don't have an answer for you.  I have never thought to look for a book for my daughter, but maybe that's because she doesn't have an official diagnosis.  Normally one of my  first responses to any problem is to look for a book on the topic.  I've read many of the books written for parents and as you say, none of them would be entirely appropriate for the person suffering with BPD.

You may have posted this before, so I apologize if I'm missing info you've already given. It sounds like your daughter is interested in reading about BPD.  That's wonderful b/c  many of the parents posting here (myself included) have children who are in denial about their disorder and claim that it's the parent who has the problem.  It seems like you've crossed a major hurdle already.  Is she in any type of therapy?  If she wants charts and books, I would think DBT would be perfect.  It is absolutely full of checklists and charts.

Are you familiar with DBT?  I have just completed a 6-month course of DBT for myself since my daughter refuses treatment. I was in a skills groups with BPD patients and could observe how the therapy worked.  Each week, a skill is introduced and then assigned for practice during the following week.  At the next group, we would talk about our experience with the skill and then learn a new one.  The entire course takes 6 months to complete and many of the patients repeat it at least once b/c there is simply so much to learn.  My point in discussing this is that I wonder how this could be translated to a book for the patient.  One thing I noticed was how carefully the therapist would introduce concepts/truths that were difficult for the pwBPD to hear.  He would validate their viewpoints and emotions, and then say something like "Now, many of you will notice that it's hard for you to... ."  Maybe that would be hard to put in a book, I don't know.  I know my daughter would probably throw the book if someone wasn't actively validating her while she read it!

And specifically for your daughter and her desire to understand her emotions, one of the most helpful concepts I learned was that for the pwBPD, their feelings equal facts and this is what drives much of their impulsive behavior.   Their emotions overwhelm them, and they cannot think logically.  I think that it's true for most people that when they are emotional, logic doesn't work. This is even more true for the pwBPD b/c they are so vulnerable to their emotions.  Therapy teaches the pwBPD to recognize when they are in "emotion mind" and then tries to teach them skills to slow down at that point, regulate their emotions and then try to get to "wise mind" before they act impulsively.  Does this sound like what your daughter is recognizing in her own behavior?

I have thought of a website which I believe to be reputable, and that my therapist also recommended, that might be helpful for you or your daughter to find answers to help her.  Here's the link:  www.dbtselfhelp.com/  It's written by people who have been through DBT, not professionals, and has lots of useful lessons.

If you're unable to find anything that speaks directly to your daughter, perhaps you could find relevant parts of the books directed to parents that you could give her.  If she's open to understanding her condition and what's going on with her emotions, then you might be able to show her some of the explanations on the bio-social theory of how BPD develops and the therapies that can help and offer hope for change.  If she primarily wants skills, then you might be in my position where I've learned the skills and am hoping to incorporate them in our conversations and to model them in my own behavior.  There is a workbook that's available that might also interest you.  It's The Dialectical Behavioral Skills Workbook by McKay.  During the short time my daughter was in therapy, her therapist used this book with her.  It was a skills-only therapy (no individual focus, no validation, just a very pared-down therapy) that absolutely did not work for her b/c she felt like no one was listening to her.  She needed a lot of validation before she could consider learning any skills, but the reviews I've read sound like some people have made good progress using it on their own.

I'd be interested to hear if you come up with any other options. 

[scudrunner]

Hi Slipping,

First off, thank you for your well thought out reply. 

Is she in any type of therapy? 

She was, but after years of appointments and thousands of dollars it just became apparent that it was an act and a game.  She would buck the therapist, and use session as social time which she loved because it was all about her.  There was no forward movement however.

Are you familiar with DBT? 

I am familiar with it.  I haven't found it to be the magic wand many advertise it to be, but with that said I agree that it has a place.  Much of the therapy she attended was DBT based.

Therapy teaches the pwBPD to recognize when they are in "emotion mind" and then tries to teach them skills to slow down at that point, regulate their emotions and then try to get to "wise mind" before they act impulsively.  Does this sound like what your daughter is recognizing in her own behavior?

Yes, this is the classic borderline behavior that we often see.  The house as so often occurs in these situations has become a lock down type scenario just to protect her from her own irrational decisions and behavior.

Here's the link:  www.dbtselfhelp.com/  It's written by people who have been through DBT, not professionals, and has lots of useful lessons.

Thank you for the link.  I pulled it up and plan to read through the site this evening.

There is a workbook that's available that might also interest you.  It's The Dialectical Behavioral Skills Workbook by McKay. 

This may be the most on point solution I have heard anyone suggest.  I did take a look at the book, and it seemed that all of the positive reviews I read were written by the actual person with BPD.  They were talking about helping with "their" emotions.  Thank you very much for the lead.  I'm ordering it now.

[jellibeans]

Dear scundrunner

I don't know of any book that can help with BPD and the inability to recognize emotions. DBT is very helpful if your dd is open to it. There is an ap you can get for your phone that I have tried in the past. It is a digital workbook of sorts where you record what coping tools you have used that day. I think finding a course is best to start. Good luck

[lbjnltx]

The DBT Skills book for teens is called ":)on't Let Emotions Run Your Life".

[scudrunner]

The DBT Skills book for teens is called ":)on't Let Emotions Run Your Life".

Thank you, lbjnltx.

I have bought that one for her, and she did the entire book.  I wish they had an ongoing series of them. 

[lbjnltx]

How old is your daughter?

We had major problems with my d13 believing perfect strangers and not believing that the internet was a dangerous place.  She believed we just didn't want her to be loved or have fun.  It took her time in RTC and working on boundaries to understand our POV.  Equine therapy was very beneficial in understanding boundaries and taking care of/protecting herself.

[Turkish]

This list is recommended by a pwBPD.

www.amazon.com/lm/R1TI3SETB2F56M

[scudrunner]

How old is your daughter?

She's now 17.  The house is the all too familiar "lock-down" known to many families with a BPD child.  She'll be 18 soon, and the choices are hope for the best, or based on her history seek legal guardianship.  The problem is that as you know with many borderlines there is no in-between.  It's all or none.  The choices she makes unchecked aren't just slightly bad, they're over the top.  In messages from one guy she had been talking to, (who she have never met in person) the thread continually states, "Be ready to be pregnant by the end of October."

This list is recommended by a pwBPD.

Turkish, thank you for the suggestion. I'm familiar with the book, but thought it was more for the families, not the person.  Based on your comment I can see that I must have been mistaken.  :)o you feel it's written at too clinical of a level for a 17 y/o?

Thank you again everyone.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Which book are you referring to specifically Scudrunner?

[jaynebrain]

www.my-borderline-personality-disorder.com/

Hello there - I wanted to share this link from Debbie Corso, she is a young adult who is "recovered" from BPD.  It might be interesting to both you and your loved one.

[scudrunner]

Which book are you referring to specifically Scudrunner?

I was referring to "I Hate You. Don't Leave Me."

Thank you jaynebrain.  I'll check the site.

[lbjnltx]

The info in that book is pretty outdated.

It left me feeling a sense of hopelessness. JMO 

[scudrunner]

The info in that book is pretty outdated.

It left me feeling a sense of hopelessness. JMO 

Are you referring to the original version from 1991 or the updated version from 2010?

Thanks for your insight.

[lbjnltx]

The Original

[scudrunner]

The Original

Maybe someone will have some insight on the 2010 version.  

The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook arrived today, and she was reading through it.  

The book from the site jaynebrain recommended, The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Wellness Planner: 365 Days of Healthy Living for Your Body, Mind, and Spirit only has 6 reviews.  They're all good, but with that few you always wonder if they're all staged; especially when you see the dates of the reviews so compartmentalized.  I suppose if she continues showing interest with this one I'll add that as well.

Thank you again, everyone.

[Slipping]

I just remembered another book that I haven't seen mentioned yet, "Coping with BPD."  It's new, releasing Nov 1, from Blaise Aguirre.  It appears to be written directly to the person suffering with BPD. 

From the description:  For many, having BPD is like living in emotional overdrive. And whether you are feeling depressed, anxious, worried, or angry, you might struggle just to get through each day. So, how can you start balancing your moods and managing your symptoms? This helpful guide addresses over fifty of the most common struggles people with BPD face every day, and offers accessible, evidence-based solutions to help you feel better and get back to living your life.

www.amazon.com/Coping-BPD-Symptoms-Borderline-Personality/dp/1626252181/ref=la_B001JP3X2W_1_4?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1444249864&sr=1-4

I'm not familiar with this author, but I noticed that it's endorsed by Dr. Perry Hoffman from the NEA-BPD.  I'm looking forward to reading it, hoping for anything I can use to help DD until she decides she's interested in going to therapy.

[lbjnltx]

Blaise Aguirre, MD is the head of the DBT Adolescent Unit at Boston's McLean Hospital.  He is a frontrunner and advocate for diagnosing teens with the disorder to get them the targeted therapies they need to improve their lives and help the family.

He is the author of "BPD in Adolescents", an updated release of the original is now available.  I highly recommend this book to any parent of a teen with traits of BPD.

It is filled with real examples of his patient/family experiences and gives realistic hope to families.

Borderline Personality Disorder in Adolescents by Blaise Aguirre M.D.

[livednlearned]

Blaise Aguirre, MD is the head of the DBT Adolescent Unit at Boston's McLean Hospital.  He is a frontrunner and advocate for diagnosing teens with the disorder to get them the targeted therapies they need to improve their lives and help the family.

He is the author of "BPD in Adolescents", an updated release of the original is now available.  I highly recommend this book to any parent of a teen with traits of BPD.

It is filled with real examples of his patient/family experiences and gives realistic hope to families.

Borderline Personality Disorder in Adolescents by Blaise Aguirre M.D.

I wanted to second this. I read BPD in Adolescents and found it very easy to read, and can imagine his book for BPD teens would be equally accessible and easy to read.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[scudrunner]

Quick update:  So far The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook is a big hit; of course we know that the ups and downs are enhanced with kids like this.  That said, the hopeful daddy is praying for the best.

For many, having BPD is like living in emotional overdrive. And whether you are feeling depressed, anxious, worried, or angry, you might struggle just to get through each day. So, how can you start balancing your moods and managing your symptoms? This helpful guide addresses over fifty of the most common struggles people with BPD face every day, and offers accessible, evidence-based solutions to help you feel better and get back to living your life.

Slipping this is absolutely spot-on point with my daughter.  I am familiar with Blaise and have already pre-ordered through Amazon for its November 1, 2015 release.  Thank you!  

Since the current workbook is keeping her focused I also ordered "The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Wellness Planner: 365 Days of Healthy Living for Your Body, Mind, and Spirit" which is promoted on the www.my-borderline-personality-disorder.com website.  

Lastly just to give her something to read, I also ordered "Borderline Personality Disorder in Adolescents" based on livednlearned's endorsement.  I feel like that will give her something to read until Blaise's new book comes out.  

Thanks for everyone's insight.  Eventually I plan to make a summary post in here with all of the resources that have been suggested so down the road someone else can find them easily.  

[lbjnltx]

thanks for wanting to pay it forward Scudrunner!

[livednlearned]

 Lastly just to give her something to read, I also ordered "Borderline Personality Disorder in Adolescents" based on livednlearned's endorsement.  I feel like that will give her something to read until Blaise's new book comes out.

One other thing I liked about his book is that he really feels like an advocate for pwBPD -- he has a section in the book on lying and manipulation where he describes how we all try to bend the world toward ourselves to get our needs met, and BPD do this too, although because there are more emotional needs, the behavior to lie and manipulate is also increased.

He also talks about cutting in a way that I had never thought of (not a problem behavior I'm familiar with in my family, but a friend's daughter does this). We see the problem is cutting, whereas for the child, cutting is the solution. This was a huge validation epiphany for me, to think of validation of the problem in the same way as the child (emotional pain).

And last, I liked how irritated Blaise seems to be about the profession's reluctance to diagnosis BPD in adolescents. I can't paraphrase very well -- he basically says it's ridiculous to make a family wait until 18 to diagnosis the child.

So in addition to being an accessible book for the family of BPD loved ones, I felt that he was a strong advocate for BPD sufferers, and it makes perfect sense that he would go on to write a book for them. I think he has the empathy to understand what it's like for them, and to be very committed to making their lives less difficult for them.

Hope to hear back how it goes! Your D must be working very hard if she is taking the time to understand her disorder and better herself. That is courageous for anyone to do, much less someone who struggles with emotional regulation.

[scudrunner]

One other thing I liked about his book is that he really feels like an advocate for pwBPD -- he has a section in the book on lying and manipulation where he describes how we all try to bend the world toward ourselves to get our needs met, and BPD do this too, although because there are more emotional needs, the behavior to lie and manipulate is also increased.

This is outstanding, and something she absolutely needs to read.

I can't thank you enough.

Your D must be working very hard if she is taking the time to understand her disorder and better herself. That is courageous for anyone to do, much less someone who struggles with emotional regulation.

Thank you also for the encouraging words.  I'll pass them along to her.   

[hermama]

have you ever read Marsha Lineman's personal story? You can read it here: www.nytimes.com/2011/06/23/health/23lives.html?_r=0

Best wishes 

[scudrunner]

have you ever read Marsha Lineman's personal story? You can read it here

I have not, but will try to get to it this weekend.

So far "Borderline Personality Disorder in Adolescents" is a big hit.  She's been reading it most of the day.  Thank you.

[hermama]

Scud runner -- That's good to hear!