My undiagnosed BPD tells me he lives me but no attempt to reconcile

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Separated  for 8 months, he filed for divorce because i "forced" him to. Tells me he loves me but no attempt to reconcile. Does He Want Me To Make The First move? Or just keeping me hanging on?

[Greeceheidired]

Separated  for 8 months, he filed for divorce because i "forced" him to. Tells me he loves me but no attempt to reconcile. Does He Want Me To Make The First move? Or just keeping me hanging on?

[JohnLove]

Hello Greeceheidired, if he has a poor sense of self he made need you to take the initiative, but usually pwBPD just need to keep you in orbit in case circumstances change and they need you. Just plain selfish. Love to a pwBPD may not be what you think it is, no matter how convincing they are. What happens next is really your choice.

[Greeceheidired]

John love. So if we continue with collaborative divorce  (I requested a break for the summer ) will he just go along with it?  The first 1 or 2 meetings he said I don't want to be divorced. I said why did you file then he said you told me to leave. The lawyers were silent just looking at us!

[JohnLove]

BPD is a broad spectrum disorder so the symptoms can manifest according to their particular "traits" and the strength of the dysfunction. I cannot tell you what your H will do.

It seems like you desired a therapeutic separation and not a divorce and H trying to look proper and deal with it, initiated the divorce. Why he would file for divorce if he didn't actually want one?... .that is crazy making behaviour.

Divorce proceedings are usually a last resort. You should explore every option before that in my honest opinion unless their is a deal breaker committed by either party.

If you were seeking a therapeutic separation to see if distance and a break would bring you peace and back together then it would usually have a time frame or communication that you BOTH want to reunite.

The lawyers were probably as dumbfounded as you or I but trust me they have seen it all... .and if there is no divorce there is probably no $$$ to be made. 

[Greeceheidired]

Yes, I had contacted his family about his binge drinking and they told him that if he was going to separate  and leave the house he should do it formally (I think for financial/ abandonment issues) even though I told h that I would sign something saying we agreed and there was no abandonment.  I think he felt pressured, he was not in a stable state of mind and he didn't want to go against his emotionally unavailable father who he was able to  gain approval from.  He always seemed too reliant on his family as a grown man, I guess as a child would be.  Sometimes I wonder is he is more an avoidant pd though because he doesn't engage in incessant calling or things like that. He is afraid to communicate when there is conflict and even now attributes our problems with men are from Mars woman from Venus.

[JohnLove]

I am unsure why you would contact his family regarding his choice to binge drink?... .maybe for some support?... .but this is really an issue for him... .and yourself if you are together and you are supporting him emotionally with that. Binge drinking is a self harming BPD behaviour.

When I started to read your post, I jumped across to your profile because I began to wonder how old you were. His family telling him how he should conduct himself as a fully grown adult that is now married sounds more than a little dysfunctional to me. They can offer an opinion if they are asked but telling him he needs to do it formally?... .I don't know. Maybe they wanted him to make a decision for himself one way or the other or was trying to help him realise how serious the consequences of his behaviour were going to become. i.e. the breakdown of his marriage.

As a teenager it is your job to go against your family as you grow independent of them and then to become fully autonomous as an adult. Attention or approval seeking behaviour is again another hallmark of BPD. He certainly seems overly reliant and controlled by his family with what you have expressed. You do realise none of these things are you or have anything to do with you? They are FOO (family of origin) issues that began before you even met him.

On the avoidant behaviours I'm not sure. He sounds terribly confused. Men and women ARE different, and that is the beauty of it. Difference are to be understood and celebrated... .not used to create conflict or confuse other real issues.

[Greeceheidired]

Thank you, you are a voice of reason. On my previous post I meant to say his father is unemotionally available, In an extreme way, but not unkind, although I was told he punished the boys with with a belt.   And I think it would be hard for him to NOT follow his advice because I feel he never gained his fathers approval.

You are right I contacted his sister about the drinking because, h would not acknowledge a problem and I needed support, things were happening in front of our girls.  She then told the rest of the family and a few months later he filed for divorce. The problem is some in the family are drinkers as well.  I think it was hard for them to believe because in the 15 years I was with him he didn't binge in front of his family and he was never verbally abusive in front of anyone else, even our girls.  He talked in a condescending tone in front of others to me and his mother but I don't consider that abusive.

Unfortunately, his 19 year old daughter who I raised completely since 5, in her normal rebellion against parental "intrusion" commiserated with her father and probably suggested divorce to him as she had to me prior as she would see my struggles and crying sometimes. She had her first boyfriend, away at college and there were some mother-daughter conflicts over the summer which coincided timewise. She turned against me but has since expressed regret and obviously h should not have involved her prior to filing for divorce.  In Virginia to file there has to be a reason, so he claimed abandonment and cruelty, I was shocked at this degree of projection.

A very strange situation, I can't figure out what to do.  When I married him he had moved home for help to raise his baby and he told me I saved his life. He moved into my home, I raised his/our daughter, provided a stable family and now my daughter (12) is left without her family.  It's been very difficult for her, she has so much anger. Sometimes I contemplate calling h mother to gain insight (she use to call and was against our split).  I know it's not normal but this isn't a normal situation where communication seems possible. I need to make a decision because this is so unhealthy and I can't be emotionally present as I should be for my daughter.

Btw I'm 50, h 54

[JohnLove]

I try to be.    you did say that his father is emotionally unavailable. Corporal punishment is a more than a little unkind. This is the man your H has become if isaiah no self awareness and if he is seeking approval from someone who has been abusive or is the least emotionally unavailable, that speaks volumes. Often we have to rise above the legacy of our parents.

When speaking to his FOO you may have inadvertently triggered his shame regarding the binge drinking, especially if he kept it hidden, and shame is a HUGE issue for a pwBPD.

I'm sorry for the betrayal you feel with his daughter that you raised (together?). She is also entitled to her opinion and should probably have been left out of the conflict as you have said, and I'm glad you see his projection for what it is. When my BPDex or my BPDgf have projected their feelings on to me, it has been very difficult but the projections are like yours. Ludicrous. It is probably all he has on you, and that is a little sad.

You can only figure out things for yourself as best you can and move forward. You do not have control over anyone else but your child. You may call his Mother and he may view it as a betrayal or you trying to get her on side. If you are going to attempt to reconcile you should consider this... .and at crunch time she will likely back her son.

I'm a little shocked by the immaturity he has displayed. From your posts I would have guessed he was less than half his age. If it helps any I'm 47.

[Greeceheidired]

Yes, I think I triggered all sorts of things as I like to resolve things and he wants to avoid at all cost and really wasn't aware yet what I was dealing with.  Before he left I was asking him all about his childhood and where his, anger came from.  Tried to explain that we can love our parents and still realize what caused us pain.  There is something else that might be meaningful.  He had a relationship in high school that he never seemed to get over. She broke up with him and went away to college and he stayed local and did t finish college until we married.  When she came back from college she had some form of ALS and he started visiting her because he said her friends dumped her sort of speak.  He said they were friends but, I very coincidentally found out that he lied to me at least once and went to see her.  I had just opened a fb account to participate in a singing competition for my daughter and she was too young for a fb.  Anyway this is a long story, but it's so crazy the way I discovered this. I started getting notifications from fb asking are you friends with this person and she came up and I went on her fb and saw a picture of them! I asked him and he lied and then called me a stalker for looking at her fb!  He doesn't use social media and called her to ask about the situation in a negative way about me, I could tell because she messaged me and said, you will never get to see my pictures again sweetie. I am not jealous, h doesn't seem to be either.  There wasn't ever any distrust in that department and I wouldn't be upset if he wanted to go see her under the circumstances (she is paralyzed) But this is an example of how the initial conflict is minimized and the attempt at resolution becomes the problem.  I tried to explain the whole fb situation, that I wAsnt searching for her but he chose to call her to get the details and told me she thought her fb was private.  Just prior to separating, his parents wanted to come to the house and talk to me while h was at work and they said there was always some sort of obsession with her and that they did a lot of drugs together back in h.s. H has a lot of anger about what happened to her/him and he raged and told me about a time she fell and defected in her pants and he cleaned her up. I had told him various times in the past  that he didn't seem to have empathy and when this happened he said maybe he had so much for her maybe there's none left.  I mentioned that usually with age and painful experiences we have more.  This was over 30 years ago, but maybe that was so traumatic, when his brain was still developing it stunted his emotional

Growth some how. Are you familiar with fb?  For relationship she has "it's complicated" so perhaps there is some sort of emotional relationship there.

I am extending so much energy on this and I am still unsure whether he has BPD, which is really what I want to know. I am more willing to try if it is an illness.  :)oes that make sense to you?