Recieved accusatory paranoid emails last night

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

So last week my ex decided, seemingly at random, to tell me that she never wanted to hear from me again. After everything is chose to oblige but two things happened yesterday.

1. She came to an event I was running knowing I would be there. She came late and so could only stay for about an hour but it made me uncomfortable especially as just 6 days earlier she made it clear she never wanted to see me again, you'd think she would have avoided me for a while.

2. Last night she sent a long email to me (I've blocked her on Facebook where we would communicate before) saying how I had:

- Been turning all our mutual friends against her. While I had talked to several it was to try and get support after going through a confusing, unclear break up.

- Accusing me of say stuff I never said. For example she said that I told her she's not allowed to move on when in reality I said I hope she doesn't rush into anything because I don't think another relationship would be good for her at the moment.

- Blaming me for the downfall of the relationship

- Calling me ableist because I explained a lot of the issues we'd had through her conditions. However it was her that kept using her anxiety and BPD as an excuse even at times when I was really hurt.

She made a point to say how happy she was without me and how she barely thought of me when socialising with other people.

She asked for a reply and I sent her one which I felt addressed most of her points and raised a few of my own. Her reply was similarly accusatory and insult filled. I won't reply again.

I find it so hard to comprehend how badly she misinterprets my actions as malicious to her. When I asked friends how she is it was because I cared not because I wanted to control her. When I confided to friends it's because I was confused and hurt not so I could turn them against her.

I also realised how totally unwilling she is to acknowledge any responsibility for the situation. She didn't break up to my face, pretended it was a break (and never actually told me it wasn't till I realised) and never really explained why, is it surprising I was hurt and confused? At least I acknowledge that I could of acted better but she seems allergic to responsibility.

Also I found her accusing me of gaslighting her and saying I was acting like a child very ironic.

Sorry for the vent.

[Corgicuddler95]

So last week my ex decided, seemingly at random, to tell me that she never wanted to hear from me again. After everything is chose to oblige but two things happened yesterday.

1. She came to an event I was running knowing I would be there. She came late and so could only stay for about an hour but it made me uncomfortable especially as just 6 days earlier she made it clear she never wanted to see me again, you'd think she would have avoided me for a while.

2. Last night she sent a long email to me (I've blocked her on Facebook where we would communicate before) saying how I had:

- Been turning all our mutual friends against her. While I had talked to several it was to try and get support after going through a confusing, unclear break up.

- Accusing me of say stuff I never said. For example she said that I told her she's not allowed to move on when in reality I said I hope she doesn't rush into anything because I don't think another relationship would be good for her at the moment.

- Blaming me for the downfall of the relationship

- Calling me ableist because I explained a lot of the issues we'd had through her conditions. However it was her that kept using her anxiety and BPD as an excuse even at times when I was really hurt.

She made a point to say how happy she was without me and how she barely thought of me when socialising with other people.

She asked for a reply and I sent her one which I felt addressed most of her points and raised a few of my own. Her reply was similarly accusatory and insult filled. I won't reply again.

I find it so hard to comprehend how badly she misinterprets my actions as malicious to her. When I asked friends how she is it was because I cared not because I wanted to control her. When I confided to friends it's because I was confused and hurt not so I could turn them against her.

I also realised how totally unwilling she is to acknowledge any responsibility for the situation. She didn't break up to my face, pretended it was a break (and never actually told me it wasn't till I realised) and never really explained why, is it surprising I was hurt and confused? At least I acknowledge that I could of acted better but she seems allergic to responsibility.

Also I found her accusing me of gaslighting her and saying I was acting like a child very ironic.

Sorry for the vent.

[thisagain]

Oh Corgi I'm sorry about this! I got a similar rant from my ex last night. It really hurts to see how blissfully unaware they are of their wrongdoing and the damage they've done... .I hope you realize that the stuff about gaslighting and acting like a child is just projection, because maybe deep down she realizes what she's doing to you and is ashamed of it.

You're allowed to have friends and confide in them. Please don't let her isolate you from your friends.

It sounds like all of this is more about her issues and her fears -- maybe she's afraid all the friends will turn against her, and afraid of how her BPD is affecting her life. I think the reason they twist and misinterpret our words so extremely is because they are experiencing such intense shame and fear, and everything we say gets filtered through that.

I'm glad you stopped responding! I don't know if you read about this in the Leaving lessons, but before my breakup, a big help in my communications with my pwBPD was the idea of Don't JADE (justify, argue, defend, or explain). The idea is that by the time they're accusing you of something, they're all caught up in their emotions and are too far gone for you to get through to them. Trying to defend yourself or explain your point of view will only frustrate you and anger them more.

So if you feel the need to respond to this kind of thing for whatever reason, I'd recommend remembering that JADE will not get through to her. Of course there's also something to be said for just letting it all out and telling her how you feel after you've spent so much time walking on eggshells. But you seem to be more hurt that your response didn't get across to her... .sadly these are not rational people and they will not be swayed by a rational explanation. I know you wish you could make her understand 

[Corgicuddler95]

I hadn't read about JADE but I will now.

However I don't plan to reply. I only replied the first time because she specifically asked for one and I mentioned I hoped not to hear from her soon (because my therapist is expensive  )

I get where many of her thoughts are coming from but she just sees the worst in me. I know I won't get through to her I just wish she'd give me space for a while.

[thisagain]

LOL did you tell her the part about the therapist? Hang in there!

I hope she leaves you alone now. Also hope you have actual Corgis to cuddle. That would help so much.

[Corgicuddler95]

LOL did you tell her the part about the therapist? Hang in there!

I hope she leaves you alone now. Also hope you have actual Corgis to cuddle. That would help so much.

Yeah I did, I try to keep even serious converstations have some light elements (and it's also true)

Actually it was my ex that was more of a corgi person but I do have a cat who cuddles sometimes. I hope she leaves me alone to but considering we have a lot of mutual friends I somehow doubt it, it would be so much easier if, like last year, she lived in another city.