Diagnosis + Treatment
The Big Picture
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? [ Video ]
Five Dimensions of Human Personality
Think It's BPD but How Can I Know?
DSM Criteria for Personality Disorders
Treatment of BPD [ Video ]
Getting a Loved One Into Therapy
Top 50 Questions Members Ask
Home page
Forum
List of discussion groups
Making a first post
Find last post
Discussion group guidelines
Tips
Romantic relationship in or near breakup
Child (adult or adolescent) with BPD
Sibling or Parent with BPD
Boyfriend/Girlfriend with BPD
Partner or Spouse with BPD
Surviving a Failed Romantic Relationship
Tools
Wisemind
Ending conflict (3 minute lesson)
Listen with Empathy
Don't Be Invalidating
Setting boundaries
On-line CBT
Book reviews
Member workshops
About
Mission and Purpose
Website Policies
Membership Eligibility
Please Donate
June 27, 2024, 01:29:41 PM
Welcome,
Guest
. Please
login
or
register
.
1 Hour
5 Hours
1 Day
1 Week
Forever
Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins:
Kells76
,
Once Removed
,
Turkish
Senior Ambassadors:
EyesUp
,
SinisterComplex
Help!
Boards
Please Donate
Login to Post
New?--Click here to register
Near or in break-up mode?
What Does it Take to Be in a Relationship
Is Your Relationship Breaking Down?
Escaping Conflict and the Karpman Drama Triangle
Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)
95
BPDFamily.com
>
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
>
Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup
> Topic:
Husband has mood swings when he does not sleep
Pages: [
1
]
Go Down
« previous
next »
Print
Author
Topic: Husband has mood swings when he does not sleep (Read 390 times)
rsusselj18
Fewer than 3 Posts
Offline
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 1
Husband has mood swings when he does not sleep
«
on:
October 06, 2015, 05:10:03 AM »
I am a 56 year old woman. Widowed by previous husband. Married second time. He is 66. I am American. He is French. We live overseas (not in the US of France). We met less than a year ago, dated for a number of months, got married two months ago. We began living together four months ago.
Husband has some insomnia. The pattern I have observed is this: We usually are intimate every other night. This pattern practically guarantees success -- he sleeps well, I sleep well. But if two nights go by without intimacy - it is during the second night that he is completely unable to sleep, and by morning he has turned from Dr. Jekyll into Mr. Hyde.
He blames me for his inability to sleep. He accuses me of not caring about him or not loving him. He finds fault with everything I do or do not do and interprets everything as evidence of my lack of love or caring for him.
Truthfully, I do not think he is classic "BPD" - since the cause of his change of personality appears to me to be organic - the result of lack of sleep (and/or lack of sex).
I have no idea how to deal with this. If any of you experience anything similar to this and have found successful coping strategies, I would be most grateful if you would share them with me.
Thank you!
Logged
PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.
jynx
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: divorced
Posts: 72
Re: Husband has mood swings when he does not sleep
«
Reply #1 on:
October 06, 2015, 09:59:51 AM »
I'm from the leaving board, or left board, so take what you can and leave the rest.
My ex was like this for at least 2 years, possibly more, I just didn't journal it anymore.
He would get upset the day after having sex with me, thinking that "according to him", I did not enjoy it. It would work on him all day long. It was the second day after sex that he would not come home, and I was blamed because I didn't enjoy the sex.
Now I never said I didn't enjoy it, I would sleep in his arms afterwards, would get up early to make him breakfast. So, never knew why he would blame me.
I do understand what you are going through, and I am so sorry because this reaction from me, got me hating sex.
Logged
Notwendy
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 10677
Re: Husband has mood swings when he does not sleep
«
Reply #2 on:
October 07, 2015, 05:33:27 AM »
It's nice that the two of you have a healthy sex life, but the truth it, we are humans, and humans are not always available for sex. I assumed that two people with a healthy sex life would be able to comprehend temporary lapses for "human" reasons- someone doesn't feel well, getting up at night with small children, an out of town business trip. I agree that if these lapses are frequent and long term, that is not good, but --- if my H was not feeling up to it, or came home from a long trip exhausted, I'd understand that not being interested in sex was not a long term issue or a rejection.
I had absolutely no idea on my H's side that he didn't understand this. I didn't have easy pregnancies and so, for the first time, I probably said no to him. I had no idea that he'd feel so rejected it would send him into despair, and that resulted in him "punishing" me for that by rejecting me physically, raging at me and damaging the marriage- as this all seemed to come out of the blue to me. I had no idea what he was thinking or feeling.
We could have sex several days in a row, and if I said no on one day, to him it would be as if we never had sex and I just told him we'd never have sex again. I know this because he'd say it to me " It's been weeks" when it was a couple of days before. You NEVER have sex.
I didn't know what was going on at the time. The kids were little. I was terrified. So, I will tell you what I did which didn't work in the long run was to keep a calendar and put him on a schedule. It also helped me to know I wasn't going crazy when he would accuse me of "never". Now at the time, I was a mother of infant/child and up a lot with the kids. I felt I was going crazy and I was exhausted. I just wanted this to stop.
Fast forward- we have had counseling, things are better, but I don't think I will be able to feel the same way about sex as I did before this happened. I only wish I knew then what I know now, so I didn't take his behavior personally.
Sex is helpful to sleep, but I would not enjoy being required as a sleeping aid. Perhaps your H is feeling rejected and is upset, which is why he can't sleep. I don't know what he is thinking, but with us, my H didn't speak of his feelings- so I had no clue, and so he would give other reasons- that would involve blaming me. Does your H tell you how he feels?
Logged
waverider
Retired Staff
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
Posts: 7405
If YOU don't change, things will stay the same
Re: Husband has mood swings when he does not sleep
«
Reply #3 on:
October 07, 2015, 05:52:05 AM »
This is a tricky one as you need to find the underlying causes of his insecurity which are most likely to be triggering this.
I can see how this is messing with you emotionally as it is a personal area.
It is not about you, rather it is a dysfunctional way of communicating his fears.
Do you think he is worrying about aging and potentially loosing the ability, this can put too much pressure on the now. It is hard to allow things to come as they may if you have diminishing confidence in the future.
Waverider
Logged
Reality is shared and open to debate, feelings are individual and real
Notwendy
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 10677
Re: Husband has mood swings when he does not sleep
«
Reply #4 on:
October 07, 2015, 06:23:54 AM »
WW, you have touched on an issue that affected us.
Each time there was no sex, it became catastrophic- as" there are only so many chances left- this could be the last chance ever"
Being female, the possible inability to perform was not a fear of mine. Women face their own issues with aging but not that one. My H not expressing his fears, worries, concerns, resulted in me being clueless. In addition, the issue over sex that I described was going on in our 30's, many years before aging would affect it.
Now, that we are middle aged, we do have this issue, and it is amplified by communication problems.
As to insomnia, we both have experienced this with regards to hormonal changes. It's a known possible occurrence in menopause, but I'd be willing to bet that men have some symptoms with decreasing hormones as well. However, I also know that being upset makes it hard to sleep. I admit to thinking " well, we can be up all night upset, or I can just get this over with and get to sleep". I think everyone has "taken one for the team" at times, but doing this on a regular basis was not good for me emotionally or the relationship.
I also think sex is a good remedy for anxiety, and for your H, rsusselj18, this may be a way to manage any fears or anxiety at night. But it still isn't pleasant to feel obliged to be the remedy.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?
Pages: [
1
]
Go Up
Print
BPDFamily.com
>
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
>
Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup
> Topic:
Husband has mood swings when he does not sleep
« previous
next »
Jump to:
Please select a destination:
-----------------------------
Help Desk
-----------------------------
===> Open board
-----------------------------
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
-----------------------------
=> Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup
=> Romantic Relationship | Conflicted About Continuing, Divorcing/Custody, Co-parenting
=> Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship
-----------------------------
Children, Parents, or Relatives with BPD
-----------------------------
=> Son, Daughter or Son/Daughter In-law with BPD
=> Parent, Sibling, or In-law Suffering from BPD
-----------------------------
Community Built Knowledge Base
-----------------------------
=> Library: Psychology questions and answers
=> Library: Tools and skills workshops
=> Library: Book Club, previews and discussions
=> Library: Video, audio, and pdfs
=> Library: Content to critique for possible feature articles
=> Library: BPDFamily research surveys
Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife
Loading...