When they don't respond to a direct question

[formflier]

So, as many of you having pointed out.  Something is obviously up with my wife that is cranking things up after a  fairly long period of consistent calm.

There is consistent grumpiness and acting out now.

This morning:

Thought we had a good, snugly wake up. 

There was some light complaining about a teacher she works with as she was getting dressed so I went in for a big long hug.  Touch is her favorite love language, usually hugs will relax and divert her.

She complained about me messing up her hair and pushed me away... .she was firm about the rejection.

I picked up an item or two and walked out of the room. 

Some light stomping around on her part but no muttering.

She is down in kitchen we are both getting food ready for kids.  She puts out two bowls and puts cereal in them.  I had just poured milk in one of the bowls I prepared. 

I asked her in a clear, even voice.  "Would you like me to pour milk in the bowls you prepared... "

Silence... .

I put the lid on the milk and sat it down on the counter.  Picked up the bowls I prepared and took them to the hungry mouths I was helping.

My wife started "tossing" things in the sink.  I was shocked they didn't break.

She just left for work without speaking or saying goodbye.

Note:  I could have just poured the milk.  It's been a while since she has acted out like this.  But in the past when doing food chores I've poured too much, too little or otherwise ruined thing which she will toss out.

Seemed like less a chance to waste food to let her do it.

Any idea how to attempt validation during stuff like this if she is not speaking or in a huff.  Guessing wrong about validation target brings more horror, so... .today I made no attempt.

FF

[Notwendy]

Looks like silent treatment to me. I don't think you can validate the ST. There is nothing to validate ( but if others have an idea please let me know).

The milk thing is puzzling. If it is too much, then you throw out a little. If you throw it all out, then you've thrown out a lot of milk.

If it is too little, you pour more in.

How do you even track this with 8 kids? We just put the food out, and they eat it ( yes we have to help them when they are little) .

If you have teen agers, they just inhale everything in front of them

But I can see this as maintaining some order that she likes. If she is the main person in the kitchen then it is her way of doing things and that would make sense to me to keep her way of order.

But back to the question at hand- I think this looks like the silent treatment.

[ydrys017]

I agree with 'Notwendy', this is ST which is difficult / impossible to validate.  Validation requires some type of communication, which the ST eliminates.

I've been on the receiving end of the ST for about 18 months now.  So, for better / worse, I don't validate at all during the situations you've just described - I simply pour my energy into the kids and their needs, diverting their attention away from dBPDw and her antics.  I let it all float by, if the kids notice it (especially S14) I reframe it for them and assure them that this is not their fault, they are not to blame and it's Mommy's method of processing anxiety and frustration - it is not their problem... .then I send them on their way, or I take them somewhere.  It still sux.

[yeeter]

You can validate silent treatment, why not?  After all, its just another form of emotion (or how she is processing dealing with her emotions).

"You seem upset.  Im sorry to see that something has upset you.  I hope that it gets better for you and you have a great day"

Then leave... .or go on about your business  (validation doesnt have to be a two way conversation)

Just a thought

[JohnLove]

Good response yeeter. 

My BPDex used to do this sort of thing in the morning. I had no idea she was BPD but was VERY aware that something was wrong with her. This was before I discovered BPD. I spent 20 years in that relationship before she stepped it up to INSANE. Slamming cupboards was also a big one in the mornings. But the throwing of dishes around and the violent noise it makes was very disturbing. She would often break glasses in the process and act like they fell apart. It was definitely a morning thing.

As I said, I knew she had some mental or psychological affliction but had no idea, but I would register the patterns in her behaviour knowing it was a clue to what was ailing her and so it turned out I was right. She was so messed up, but I probably invalidated her as well at times.

I have often wondered about the no response to direct questions. This occurs quite frequently with my BPDgf, primarily over text. My findings at present are that she prefers to pick and choose what she wants to interpret and/or have to deal with. It's like my questions "disappear". I have previously accused her many times of not reading my texts.

Hmm... .accusatory. Might have to check myself on that. 

[formflier]

 

Mornings are more consistently "grumpy" than any other time of day for her.

FF

[Wrongturn1]

@Yeeter: nice to see you, hope all is well!

@Formflier: I wonder if you might have triggered feelings of engulfment with the snuggly wake-up and extended hug after she complained about co-workers?  Engulfment could have precipitated the "push" reaction you got from her... .just a thought.

[ydrys017]

You can validate silent treatment, why not?  After all, its just another form of emotion (or how she is processing dealing with her emotions).

"You seem upset.  Im sorry to see that something has upset you.  I hope that it gets better for you and you have a great day"

Then leave... .or go on about your business  (validation doesnt have to be a two way conversation)

Just a thought

I believe that by acknowledging the ST only affirms it, if I speak to it - it will only intensify the situation.  I refuse to say 'I'm sorry... .', because it will only be re-interpreted in a negative light.  I let it go, and will simply include her in the  next subject or topic that arises - when the ST continues, I go about my business with the kids.  

Perhaps I'm just burnt out on it, but I refuse to exert my limited energy to appease her ST.  When it passes - it passes, in the mean time the rest of us will go on about our lives.  Sorry if this sounds harsh, especially to FF, but it works for me - for now.

[Fian]

Maybe it isn't Silent Treatment, but self-censoring?  You know that if you say something, it will be mean and negative, and it is better to remain silent?  In this situation, I think it is better for the person with BPD (or anyone else for that matter), to remain silent until they get in a better mood.  Of course, giving a few non-committal answers is better than silence.  At least you acknowledge the person.

[maryy16]

This kind of thing has happen to me before with my H. In my situation, I don't believe it was ST. Sometimes I truly believes that he thinks he answers, like he thinks it but sometimes the words don't make it out if his mouth.

The other possibilty, and usually the more likely one, in my case, is him not wanting to take responsibility, even for something as mundane as pouring milk. If he does it, and perceives it to be "wrong", then he has no one to blame. So if he doesn't answer, and I do it myself, then all the blame can be put on me, especially if he is in a fighting mood.