Trying not to get sucked into a new relationship, discern if she is "another one

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I have had a number of HPD/BPD relationships, the most  recent one having ended about two years ago.  She and I were engaged and I found out about the nature of my codependency through a "second marriage" counselor that we attended together (we were both previously married). 

That relationship ended with my fiancé throwing my ring at me and walking out.  The huge benefit to reading the posts on this site and having therapy at that time was to open my eyes to the fact that I have had a number of these relationships in my life in the last 10 to 12 years.  So I let go and have basically not even been seriously dating since then. And I have been fine with it.  Trying to date with my eyes wide open,  not having physical intimacy and just learning how to be friends.

Of course, I have no interest in any of them, until now.

I met three weeks ago a woman who is the whole package, and we really clicked after a meeting or two (we met in business).  I asked her out casually, and it sort of sped up from there.  She is idealizing me, and after refreshing myself on the boards here, I think she is mirroring, etc. In a nutshell, she is younger than me, a knockout, and all of that usual stuff.  She is super-kind, caring, generous, etc, and keeps telling me how amazing and perfect I am.  And then I had to leave town again last week and she insisted on taking me to the airport, naturally she would need to spend the night. Keep in mind, no sex yet, just kissing, and I am not open to sex early in a relationship based on what the therapists discussed with me after that last disaster.  Before she came over she sent some text to me stating why I should not expect to have sex at Cetera and I replied that was just perfect for me and I would sleep on the couch.  Her response of course when coming over was to want to sleep in my bed next to me and cuddle up etc. then start removing clothing anyway long story short we did not have sex because I elected not to engage.   Thank God.

While I have been out of town she has texted me very racy pictures of almost no clothing telling me to hurry back and she misses me and blah blah blah.   Not gonna lie it's very tempting but I just don't/ can't risk going there again.

She has been engaged "a lot of times" and when I asked her how many she said she didn't know. Ha ha.

So anyhow I notice that every one or two nights she goes dark mid to late evening via phone and always has a reason the next morning. My experience is that the reason probably has testicles attached to it. But

I guess my question is Where do I belong on this board? I am technically not really in the relationship (although perhaps I am).

Moreover I would like to know how in the name of all that is holy I always end up with someone who is somewhere on the continuum like this.  Good grief there are 7 billion people on the planet.  Why? Why? Why?

[Youhavetobekiddinme]

I have had a number of HPD/BPD relationships, the most  recent one having ended about two years ago.  She and I were engaged and I found out about the nature of my codependency through a "second marriage" counselor that we attended together (we were both previously married). 

That relationship ended with my fiancé throwing my ring at me and walking out.  The huge benefit to reading the posts on this site and having therapy at that time was to open my eyes to the fact that I have had a number of these relationships in my life in the last 10 to 12 years.  So I let go and have basically not even been seriously dating since then. And I have been fine with it.  Trying to date with my eyes wide open,  not having physical intimacy and just learning how to be friends.

Of course, I have no interest in any of them, until now.

I met three weeks ago a woman who is the whole package, and we really clicked after a meeting or two (we met in business).  I asked her out casually, and it sort of sped up from there.  She is idealizing me, and after refreshing myself on the boards here, I think she is mirroring, etc. In a nutshell, she is younger than me, a knockout, and all of that usual stuff.  She is super-kind, caring, generous, etc, and keeps telling me how amazing and perfect I am.  And then I had to leave town again last week and she insisted on taking me to the airport, naturally she would need to spend the night. Keep in mind, no sex yet, just kissing, and I am not open to sex early in a relationship based on what the therapists discussed with me after that last disaster.  Before she came over she sent some text to me stating why I should not expect to have sex at Cetera and I replied that was just perfect for me and I would sleep on the couch.  Her response of course when coming over was to want to sleep in my bed next to me and cuddle up etc. then start removing clothing anyway long story short we did not have sex because I elected not to engage.   Thank God.

While I have been out of town she has texted me very racy pictures of almost no clothing telling me to hurry back and she misses me and blah blah blah.   Not gonna lie it's very tempting but I just don't/ can't risk going there again.

She has been engaged "a lot of times" and when I asked her how many she said she didn't know. Ha ha.

So anyhow I notice that every one or two nights she goes dark mid to late evening via phone and always has a reason the next morning. My experience is that the reason probably has testicles attached to it. But

I guess my question is Where do I belong on this board? I am technically not really in the relationship (although perhaps I am).

Moreover I would like to know how in the name of all that is holy I always end up with someone who is somewhere on the continuum like this.  Good grief there are 7 billion people on the planet.  Why? Why? Why?

[lbjnltx]

Probably the best fit for you at this time is the Leaving Board, the steps to detaching and healing the wounds left in the wake of your previous relationships would be good to review and do a personal assessment.

Since you recognize a pattern in your life of selecting a certain type of person that you find unhealthy working on the Personal Inventory board would be beneficial.  It does take 10 posts to gain access to Personal Inventory and that won't take long to achieve.

I am going to go ahead and move this topic to the Leaving Board to get you started.

My best wishes to you!


lbjnltx

[Youhavetobekiddinme]

Thank you so much.  So should I open a new thread or are my replies considered posts?

[lbjnltx]

You will receive replies from other members here and can reply to them here as well. 

[Herodias]

I keep hearing "knowledge is power"... .I just keep learning all that I can so I do not do the same... .It doesn't sound like you got sucked in though... .you recognized it in this person and now you must break the connection and move on as quickly as possible... .learn all you can and keep moving forward. There has to be some "normal" people out there somewhere! I am in a small divorce group of 8 at church. 3 of us have been with people w PD's... .it's shocking to me!