Struggling with Memories and Replacement

[OutofTheWoods]

So I'm new here - but not new to the BPD relationship. Mine was on and off for 8 years - dated 3 times in total, the last time being 3 years ago (I know). I have had a lot of time to reflect and have taken responsibility for my enabling and lack of boundaries - I definitely looked over the red flags, too: no consistent identity, easily influenced, wanted to get married after 3 months, smothering, etc.

He flipped 180 the very last time - everything was great for 8 months and all of a sudden, it wasn't. He called me another woman's name (who he married 6 months later), and told me he wanted to "end our chapter once and for all" quite vindictively when he broke up with me. I won't get into much of the nitty gritty of the relationship - you know how it goes.

That was 3 years ago - for awhile I didn't think of him at all. I heard he got engaged 6 months after we broke up, and that hurt, but I moved on. He married a girl he had been working with while we were together. It stung when I found out, since we had all spent time together during the relationship. I moved on from that as well, and have been spending time getting myself back on my feet (dating, grad school).

The thing is, recently I have been seeing a lot of them and feel like I've taken a huge step backwards. We live in the same town and it's inevitable that once in awhile I pass them. I try not to think about it, but I am surprised at how strongly my body reacts. I will feel upset and sometimes like I can't breathe. It stings even worse since I found out his wife has taken up the same hobbies and line of work that I do, which he had ridiculed during our relationship. I found this out by accident; I was giving a seminar and she was there (really awkward). She acted like she didn't remember me.

I try not to compare myself, but it is difficult. She has a lot of mutual friends of mine now and I see some of her sponsored posts on Facebook. He doesn't have one, but from the looks of it, things are fine and dandy with them. I know in a cerebral way that I am worthy and all of that, but my heart feels great loss still after all this time. The shock of the cruelty I endured at the end really numbed me for awhile - I've been trying to forgive and be happy for them.

Maybe because I've been seeing them more recently, I've been having a lot of bad days. I feel like my best love wasn't enough, that I was easily forgotten, and easily replaced with someone who appears quite similar to me. Maybe I need people to validate how I feel - my friends and family don't seem to understand why I am still upset about these things. When I read posts on here I felt supported, even from the outside.

Any insights and encouragement from you all is much appreciated.

[cyclistIII]

Welcome to the site! I think you will find tons of people who have been through very similar experiences -- you are not alone. Sorry you're going through a rough time; running into them all the time sounds really hard.

As to your replacement -- you are not seeing the inner workings of how things really are with their relationship, no matter how they might look on social media, and it's very possible that the new partner is starting to experience the exact same behaviors from your ex as you did in the early stages of your relationship.

I feel like my best love wasn't enough, that I was easily forgotten, and easily replaced with someone who appears quite similar to me.

It has nothing to do with being "enough" -- it's about your ex's disorder. I know it's hard to wrap your head around, but it was not really personal; it was about his own battle within himself.

My guy abruptly broke up with me two days after telling me, "I will never leave you." The cruel and sudden shift from 100% to 0% is one pretty much everyone here has experienced.

Hang in there! And the resources on the site may help you have a better understanding of things, which may help you to let go. It's definitely been helping me.

[cyclistIII]

P.S. In my experience, recovery is cyclical -- you feel completely over it, then you relapse for a bit, and then you get over it again, and the pattern repeats, hopefully a little bit softer with each cycle until it finally fades completely.

You will get back a space where you are no longer thinking about him; you've been there before and you will be there again. Be patient with yourself!

[once removed]

hey outofthewoods 

id like to join cyclistIII in welcoming you to the family

Maybe because I've been seeing them more recently, I've been having a lot of bad days. I feel like my best love wasn't enough, that I was easily forgotten, and easily replaced with someone who appears quite similar to me. Maybe I need people to validate how I feel - my friends and family don't seem to understand why I am still upset about these things. When I read posts on here I felt supported, even from the outside.

Any insights and encouragement from you all is much appreciated.

validation can go quite a long way, and ill be glad to try to offer it. sometimes its all we really need  . and i can certainly understand why you would feel like youve taken a step back when youre exposed to all of this and its in close proximity. i think its natural; who wants to see their ex with someone else? we can understand that rationally we get nowhere comparing ourselves to others; its easier said than done, and doesnt do much for how we actually feel. it does help to acknowledge our feelings, to talk, and to feel heard. i get that its frustrating that friends and family dont understand. it makes you ashamed of your own recovery, which is uniquely yours, but it is indeed understood by many here.

it sounds like youve made a lot of progress, dont forget to acknowledge that too . it sounds like it feels like youre doing the right things, but the exposure keeps you stuck and frustrated, and feeling inadequate? have you considered blocking her on facebook?

[OutofTheWoods]

Thank you both for your support! It's nice to know what I'm feeling is normal  

It's nice to hear that recovery isn't a straight shot. I felt like I was doing fine and then, like I said, feelings of how unfair it was really welled up - that I was left in a mess and they get to be off in dandy land (and you're right, I can't be certain that's how it is) like I was never there, after getting married so quickly in such shade and have made it work for these 3 years.

I have not blocked her because we work in some of the same places now and I feel like it would come off as immature. It's easier to say "screw it" and "screw them, crazy ***"   (although that's been really helpful too!), but I'm trying to not shove these feelings so that I understand why I am so bothered.

Again, I feel like it's probably because I've been seeing them in public and on social media together, and that I saw her at the seminar and taking more from me - she couldn't have chosen anything else? (I guess I feel threatened by her presence). I'd like to get to the point where I can see them in public together acting sweetly and really just not react at all inside. But right now I feel upset at not just him, but both of them for how I was treated (and how no one ever saw).

[toddinrochester]

Welcome Out of the Woods. As I am slowly kind of discovering this and myself, I realize that I have been in two of these relationships myself. One with a Queen and the last with the Waif (quiet) borderline. The waif is the one that has really done the most damage. I also realize I attract these types. I am working on that. Glad you feel what how I felt when I found this forum. Relieved that I am not alone and normal.

[Heldfast]

It is indeed cyclical, and it does indeed get better provided you are kind with yourself. His life is his life, your life is yours. He can go on repeating the same mistakes, and I pity the replacement, she'll be in for one hell of a ride if your ex is undiagnosed and untreated. But that's not your problem anymore. What is in your control is you, where you choose to go from here, how you choose to direct your energies. Not to sound trite or cliche, but remember the old parable: THE BATTLE IS BETWEEN TWO 'WOLVES' INSIDE US ALL. ONE IS EVIL. IT IS ANGER, ENVY, JEALOUSY, SORROW, REGRET, GREED, ARROGANCE, SELF-PITY, GUILT, RESENTMENT, INFERIORITY, LIES, FALSE PRIDE, SUPERIORITY, AND EGO. THE OTHER IS GOOD. IT IS JOY, PEACE LOVE, HOPE SERENITY, HUMILITY, KINDNESS, BENEVOLENCE, EMPATHY, GENEROSITY, TRUTH, COMPASSION AND FAITH."

"WHICH WOLF WINS?... ." "THE ONE THAT YOU FEED"

Be mindful to feed the good wold, get yourself into the mindset that you are, even when you don't feel like it, on a path that is healthier for you, that any mess left behind can be cleaned up by you, and then it will stay clean, that you are aware of the dangers of someone who is only using you for their own validation, and that you can satisfy your most immediate need, which is to give yourself the love and attention he threw away. Do a self assessment, be critical, but not cruel, at where you'd like to develop as a person who attracts other healthier people. Something mental, try culture, something physical you want to do, get after it. I have been blessed over this last year (10.5 months out) to have really taken the time to address my weaknesses, and in so doing, met people with common interests, who are encouraging, interesting, fun, and it has increased my dating pool, and I believe, my attractiveness to the people within such. It did not happen overnight. My friends began courting me back into the world after my abandonment out of concern and pity, but now they're inviting me, because I am more like I was before, fun, active, and willing to try new things. Keep feeding that good wolf, and you'll notice the other one stops sniffing around for food.

[OutofTheWoods]

Thank you both for the replies.

I really like that parable - I am a yoga teacher and so know that the thoughts you feed grow stronger - it's so difficult to stay positive when the heart hurts again, though. After all these years I've realized that the only things I can do to completely heal (heal but not forget) is forgive him and have faith that I am not being hurt for nothing- that god hasn't left me or sent me this terrible relationship for me to hurt. So hard to have faith after such betrayal and lack of justice served - so hard to forgive.

It's been 3 years since the break up and it was very difficult in the beginning, but I feel like I am dealing with some of the worst remaining thoughts now. I have faith that it will get better, as long as I feed the right thoughts like you said. Already I feel so much better that people on here understand and listen.