Hello

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I'm happy to have found this board, and have found a lot that makes sense in the articles I've been reading here. My ex girlfriend was recently diagnosed with BPD, and I'm really having a hard time with this. We had a short (2 months) and very intense relationship, one that has left me reeling. In the end of July, she asked for a break from our relationship because she needed time alone to figure out who she is. I found out last week that she's since been sleeping with her ex boyfriend, and lying to me about it. I'm in pain, I want to run away from her, but I honestly love her and don't know what to do! Thanks for listening... .

[jthomps]

I'm happy to have found this board, and have found a lot that makes sense in the articles I've been reading here. My ex girlfriend was recently diagnosed with BPD, and I'm really having a hard time with this. We had a short (2 months) and very intense relationship, one that has left me reeling. In the end of July, she asked for a break from our relationship because she needed time alone to figure out who she is. I found out last week that she's since been sleeping with her ex boyfriend, and lying to me about it. I'm in pain, I want to run away from her, but I honestly love her and don't know what to do! Thanks for listening... .

[Lou12]

Hi Jt,

First off you have come to the right place.

The emotions your feeling are pretty much how we've all felt.

You can and you will get through this. Hard to believe when your feeling so low but we've all been there are most come out the other side soo much stronger. I advise that you read as much as you can about BPD. This website has very good articles as well as the internet. You need to use this time to do some major work on yourself in understanding why you fell for this person.

I'm here if you need anything

X

[jthomps]

Hi Lou,

Thanks for your words of support. I have been doing a lot of work on myself, and am clear about where I am and what I want from her. I've told her as much as well, and am currently in the place where I've said that I can't see her. I know I want to be with her, I know she doesn't want to be with me, and I know she is seeing her ex, a combination that leaves nothing but sadness and heartbreak whenever I think about her or try to see her.

I fell for her for lots of reasons. We were both so enthusiastic about each other when we first met, and said that we loved each other in the first few weeks. We spent all our time together, and actually almost moved in together. I loved the attention and what felt like honest devotion I felt from her from the first time we met, and believed her when she said she wanted the same future I do. I fell for her because she's gorgeous, and because I felt a connection that seemed so real.

She has been seeing a therapist for almost 2 years now, and it wasn't until she ended things with me that her therapist diagnosed her with BPD. Having since read a lot about BPD, it's no wonder why her therapist came to this conclusion -- the incredibly intense beginning, followed so soon by her wish to be "independent" is textbook.

She ended things with me and asked me to be her closest platonic friend, something I thought I could do. Since we broke up, we've spoken every day, seen each other twice or three times a week. I've just now realized that I can't do that any more -- I can't be that close to someone I love without there being more, at least not now. Today may be the first day since we met that we don't speak.

I guess I'm trying to figure out how/if she can be a part of my life. I want to move on if this is going to bring me nothing but more heartbreak, but I miss her incredibly. I think about her first thing in the morning and last thing before I fall asleep. I don't know how to just let her go.

[Lou12]

Everything you feel and describe I can totally understand and you have every right to feel. Loving someone with BPD has been the single biggest challenge of my life.

The only words I can offer you is that you are the only person who can control how you feel. The more time you spend expecting a disordered person to fix any pain your feeling then your headed further into a bleak hole.

The devastating reality of this disorder is that their is absolutely nothing you can do to make a BPD see sense. Their mind set is so far off the mark it's unfathomable to us. Nothing they do makes sense no matter how many hours you reel over scenario after scenario! Believe me I've spent many hours rationalising my ex BPDs behaviour in my mind but my biggest down fall was I never rationalised his behaviour in my heart. I never really thought about the way he actually made me feel after the idealisation because I was to busy being full of anxiety and gut renching sickness to truly think about why I would want to be with this person.

I still love him, yes I would take him back... but NO I would not allow him to treat me any other way than what I feel I deserved. Had he not have broke it off with me when he did I gaurentee that man had the potential to break me! By him backing off it gave me the biggest kick up the arse to see the whole situation for what it was and prepare myself accordingly.

The pain will never get easier unless you become stronger and take her for what she is. She effectively fed you a false image of herself. You did not know she was going to do a full 360 the minute you fell for her.

Keep working on yourself my friend it's your only control from what feels like an inhuman situation x