Update on DD (22 BPD) and GD (2.5y)

[reclaimed1]

Hello all   

LBJNTX reached out and asked for an update. I appreciate the care and concern. 

The BPD journey continues. I don't check in here often, nothing personal. I just have to manage this unhealthy situation and family life (3 other healthy kids), and sometimes I don't have the emotional energy to communicate on a forum. The situation leaves me emotionally drained, and to rehash it - I cannot do. But I sincerely hope that I can offer help when you read our story also.

So if you find my old posts, which I cannot seem to do, you will find some background. I am literally typing quickly between meetings, so bear with me if I repeat facts:

- DD diagnosed at 16 yrs with BPD. All the signs. Grateful for the psychologist who warned my of the journey ahead. Researched, researched. Dad (my dh of 25 yrs) is engaged in parenting this wild child, Dad wants to help, Dad has a degree in Communication and talking through issues is his forte (not mine). Through all of this, he wanted to reach her. She thrived on the negative attention. In some ways she's histrionic too, making up drama.

- DD moved in with Grandma at age 16. Not our first choice, but she was incredibly disruptive. Last two years of HS spent in local alternative HS there - actually she dropped out and graduated 2 years later.

- DD pregnant out of state (no longer living with Grandma), comes home to live with us. Because she was not living with the Baby Daddy when she got pregnant.

- DD gives birth to gorgeous healthy GD and everything seems fine. For about 5 months.

- DD starts night school 5nights/wk and after work, I watch GD and put her to bed for 5-7 nights/wk

- New boyfriend. DD moves out with GD when GD is about 13 months (I posted about this)

- DD moves back after a month or two falls out with "friend" who she lived with - she never says that she was actually with the BF. She was. The BF told us (even though we never met him).

- DD enrolled in school and out all the time. Few car accidents. a few all nighters. But GD is safe, and in our care.

Last Feb, DD meets new BF online.

All March, increasingly hostile toward me while I watch GD 7 nights/wk (she's always 'splitting' when she gets a new BF). She is awful to live with and there's not a kind word coming out of her mouth - and we have other children in ths home at the brunt of her abuse also.

By end of March, she declares they are 'married' because this new BF (30 yrs, previously married, 2 young children) has said it is so. We ask, "Wait, you're married? Then you need to go live with him and grow together. You're 22 and he's 30, go be adults." And we ask DD for the key and she and GD leave.

They leave on a Sat, and on that Monday, the 6-week-new-BF and DD go to city hall and obtain a marriage license.

They live 6 miles away.

He's high functioning which is great, but he is just as crazy as her. If not more so, but in a psychopath way. The way he spoke with my husband I have never heard anyone speak to another adult.

And Grandma - Grandma and her money are enabling and enmeshed. So we are out. Of course we are out - we are the ones who kicked them out. (?) That's right, that was the spin.

So I located his parents. We met them. They are completely normal. Married 30 years. Had a great visit. The 4 of us agree that these 2 grown kids are not like the rest of our kids (we all have 4 kids each). And they are not living in a way that they were raised.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[reclaimed1]

I don't know what happened to my post, sorry!

Here's the rest:




The grown kids are similar - not at all close with their siblings. I could recount other similarities, but suffice it to say that when his OWN MOTHER says to me, "Oh he's crazy.", I believe her. That was what I observed. Basically selfishness in another stratosphere, But honestly, we are all OK with that. Do what you gotta do - they're adults now. Too bad he has weapons, but there's not much I can do.

I would be OK with this... .EXCEPT... .FOR MY GRANDBABY.

The 2 grown kids find out that we 4 all met, and the result is that they punish us. Of course. I predicted it, I said it would happen. Gone are the GD sleepovers, the swimming lessons, and the little important events that every grandparent loves to share with their grandbabies.

And my Grandma-heart was utterly crushed. The loss has been great for all of us, as DD has gone NC even with the siblings she likes the most. Even the siblings have not met the new spouses.

It has been nearly 3 months since I have spoken with GD or spent time with her. They live 6 miles away.

Obviously, I am quite happy to never speak with my DD again. She is a bully and so is her Napoleon-complex new husband. But I have to play nice if I am ever going to see GD, I get it. And so do they - D is an asset they use to control us - and we don't grovel. Sorry, no. Yet I have done all I can to make peace, I have reached out to her as an adult, and she's mean, spiteful, and abusive. No different than March really, except now she's got some tyrant on her side - and of course there is NC with GD.

That's where we are at. I am able by the grace of God and the prayers of dear loved ones to get on with my life and be grateful for the time we have had with GD. When DD moved out in 2014 it was a taste of what this would probably be. You know, we want her to grow up and succeed and be a wife and mom and successful adult, for sure. Her leaving would never be easy - but WHY does it have to be drama drama drama? And the other parents said HE IS EXACTLY THE SAME. So we all think this could feed off one another for a good long time... ."the toxic dance" 

Sure the future is uncertain - one thing with a BPD is certain and that is CHANGE.  But in the meantime, I am so grateful for health and life. I actually had an ulcer in the spring over this - I omitted details that they did and said along with enabling Grandma. Details that are ugly and enraged my own family members. But I have forgiven them and will continue to do so... .My own health depends upon it.

And no one can stop me from praying for GD's safety, protection, and well-being. I give it over to One who can do something about all this... Because living in that house she truly needs those prayers   

[lbjnltx]

Thanks for coming back and updating us on the situation with your daughter and granddaughter.

I'm so sad to hear that you have not been able to see your gdaughter and you are so very right that God is there to receive your prayers for her.

Have you thought about putting together a hope box for her?  Some grandparents who are denied access to their grandchildren put birthday cards and little presents in the hope box and save them for when they are next able to see their grandkids.  It is a way of staying connected and letting the gkids know, no matter how much time has passed, that they were always loved, cherished and thought about by their grandparents.



lbj

[mggt]

Hi ,  I know how terrible it can be not to see our precious grandbabies .  I will continue to send prayers that your d will let you see your little gc hang in there   

[reclaimed1]

Thanks to you both, very much appreciated! ❤️ Your idea about a hope box is PERFECT and I already ordered something online.  Found something personalized and pretty, per your suggestion. 

And along those lines, I started to write letters to her, keeping it kind and about "us". Have given her some context of where she came from, what her early years have been like, etc. nothing shameful or discouraging. Just relating family history. I'm going to continue to do this, with the expectation that someday (whether sooner or later) we will reunite and she will be able to read it. Not giving up. These are people. Relationships are dynamic, and we still can navigate through these challenges, when they allow us into their (albeit borderline) world. So I have to wait, and wait some more, because rationality isn't going to occur.

[lbjnltx]

 


Your heart will be connected to your granddaughter's and one day (no way to know when) she will know where the feelings of being loved, watched over, and cared about are coming from... .you and God.



lbj