adult daughter of uBPD mother, how can I rescue my kid siblings?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm 28 and the second oldest of 8 kids. The youngest of them are 6, 13 and 15 years old and although I feel fine these days I'm really anxious about them and wish I could help them. It would break my heart for one of them to confront me later and say "why didn't you help me, you knew and you did nothing".

Even though I have a few early memories of her extreme emotional attacks most of them started around the time I hit puberty with the worst of them involving me getting moved to a sleeping bag in a dark corner of the storage area for about 3 months, all communication cut off from everyone(except if my mother approved) and being forced to eat all my meals outside. That was of coursed paired with the usual messages of how she wished I'd never been born, I was the failure child of the family and I was horribly selfish, mean, unloving, vindictive and manipulative. I believed her. I thought I was ruining the family so first I tried to commit suicide(which she laughed at when she caught me and claimed I was just looking for attention) and then decided to try to get away through whatever means possible.

The weird thing about our family is that we were relatively happy and healthy in-between outbursts. My dad was really loving and involved. His major downfall is that he never once defended us and took the backseat to all of my mothers emotional tirades(supporting her when she asked him too). Yeah there were some eggshells, everyone tried super hard to not set her off, but we also loved her. She would be sensitive and sweet but when she got mad she'd tear you down and emotionally kick you and grind you into the ground as far as she could get you until you groveled enough for her satisfaction. It seemed like my mom loved perpetually being a victim or maybe just the being center of attention. I remember wondering why they kept having babies, especially when she started miscarrying frequently and getting a sense of "oh... .mom needs this somehow". I'm not sure how many miscarriages she had between the last three kids but based off of my count I think it's close to 8.

Fast forward 16 years later and now I'm happily married with 2 young kids living 1000 miles away from them and feeling relatively healthy. My anxiety attacks have all but disappeared and my husband really good at helping me reframe my thoughts.

although I haven't cut off all communication, my husband and I finally gave her an ultimatum. Either they respect our boundaries and leave us out of the drama or we cut off communication 100%. So, I've been happily oblivious the past few years until 2 days ago my mom caught my dad looking at porn. I didn't know I had so much anger buried inside of me! I've just been furious. Not at him but at her. Yeah porn is not ok but I felt like this was just her way of finding a new victim and yet also playing the victim.a I think some ways he's my sacred cow. I justified him always taking a back seat because I believed he was trying his best to keep things at bay and if she attacks him too who does she have left?

Anyways the round robin of sibling talk has started and my older brother let me know that the freakouts have been getting more and more frequent and she's been attacking one particular sister the most(one of the most gentlest people I know). Now that my dad is the one on the chopping block she's sharing every intimate horrible detail she can with my young siblings and I'm mortified. I feel so helpless to help them. I want to slip them a few books about BPD but I'm terrified that she'd find them. I used to shred or burn my journal pages when I was a kid because I knew she frequently went through my stuff to monitor my feelings towards her.

[slategarden]

I'm 28 and the second oldest of 8 kids. The youngest of them are 6, 13 and 15 years old and although I feel fine these days I'm really anxious about them and wish I could help them. It would break my heart for one of them to confront me later and say "why didn't you help me, you knew and you did nothing".

Even though I have a few early memories of her extreme emotional attacks most of them started around the time I hit puberty with the worst of them involving me getting moved to a sleeping bag in a dark corner of the storage area for about 3 months, all communication cut off from everyone(except if my mother approved) and being forced to eat all my meals outside. That was of coursed paired with the usual messages of how she wished I'd never been born, I was the failure child of the family and I was horribly selfish, mean, unloving, vindictive and manipulative. I believed her. I thought I was ruining the family so first I tried to commit suicide(which she laughed at when she caught me and claimed I was just looking for attention) and then decided to try to get away through whatever means possible.

The weird thing about our family is that we were relatively happy and healthy in-between outbursts. My dad was really loving and involved. His major downfall is that he never once defended us and took the backseat to all of my mothers emotional tirades(supporting her when she asked him too). Yeah there were some eggshells, everyone tried super hard to not set her off, but we also loved her. She would be sensitive and sweet but when she got mad she'd tear you down and emotionally kick you and grind you into the ground as far as she could get you until you groveled enough for her satisfaction. It seemed like my mom loved perpetually being a victim or maybe just the being center of attention. I remember wondering why they kept having babies, especially when she started miscarrying frequently and getting a sense of "oh... .mom needs this somehow". I'm not sure how many miscarriages she had between the last three kids but based off of my count I think it's close to 8.

Fast forward 16 years later and now I'm happily married with 2 young kids living 1000 miles away from them and feeling relatively healthy. My anxiety attacks have all but disappeared and my husband really good at helping me reframe my thoughts.

although I haven't cut off all communication, my husband and I finally gave her an ultimatum. Either they respect our boundaries and leave us out of the drama or we cut off communication 100%. So, I've been happily oblivious the past few years until 2 days ago my mom caught my dad looking at porn. I didn't know I had so much anger buried inside of me! I've just been furious. Not at him but at her. Yeah porn is not ok but I felt like this was just her way of finding a new victim and yet also playing the victim.a I think some ways he's my sacred cow. I justified him always taking a back seat because I believed he was trying his best to keep things at bay and if she attacks him too who does she have left?

Anyways the round robin of sibling talk has started and my older brother let me know that the freakouts have been getting more and more frequent and she's been attacking one particular sister the most(one of the most gentlest people I know). Now that my dad is the one on the chopping block she's sharing every intimate horrible detail she can with my young siblings and I'm mortified. I feel so helpless to help them. I want to slip them a few books about BPD but I'm terrified that she'd find them. I used to shred or burn my journal pages when I was a kid because I knew she frequently went through my stuff to monitor my feelings towards her.

[HappyChappy]

“moved to a sleeping bag in a dark corner of the storage area for about 3 months, all communication cut off from everyone(except if my mother approved) and being forced to eat all my meals outside”. What an appauling thing to do to a vulnerable young child. Totally understand your dilemma, it must be a worry.

The best tip I can give is that anyone with a PD cares about how they are perceived, so tends to hide the excesses of their wrong doing. Being watchful slows them down, acts as an inhibiter. So the best advice I can give, find a way to let the kids know they can always contact you.  Offer to baby sit, offer to give the parents a break. I know that my childhood was bearable when others where around, I soon learn’t never to be alone in a room with my NPD bro. Took me much longer to figure that out with my BPD mom.

But at the end of the day, take care of yourself first, if your mom make you ill see if someone else can keep a presence. In truth, you’re not responsible for your mother’s behaviour and I would say that 6 is too young to understand possible 13 also. My BPD mom holds my dad to ransom, but he’s too old to be told and it would do him no good. But if your siblings knew, how would it help them if they can’t escape? It’s not a good idea for a child to confront an adult about their PD, it may enrage them and they certainly wouldn’t win the debate. Now if they could legal leave the house, then it would be different.

I’ve told my adult sister who has all the signs of a victim and she agreed our mom was abusive, but cannot except that a mother cannot love. Head in the sand, “it’s too painful to discuss”. She prefers to assume BPD is “internet nonsense” and all mom’s love it’s a basic instinct. Each to their own. But it isn’t your responsibility, however I would keep a presence, keep a line open. You could sit them down with some movies about the topic and see if it clicks. There was a sit com called “Sorry” in the UK about a BPD mother. She was the spit of ours, but ours got very angry if we ever suggested this. But we were allowed to laugh and share an understanding. We also used sarcastic comments that went over out BPD head, but we understood. If you survived it, then that bods well for your siblings. Maybe you could come up with ways they can communicate with you, under the rada so to speek, buy the older kids mobile phones for christmas ? But don't beat yourself up, because your parents aren't doing a good job - not your fault. 

[HappyChappy]

Just another thought. What about getting the kids into Wizard of Oz and Alice in Wonderland, as a point of reference for discussion. Then at least they can't say "you should have told me". I also found "Animal Farm" by Orwel has a few hints in there. My BPD is clueless about all those subtle links. Or just talk about the Vampire analogy "they feed on our fear" they prey on the young and vulnerable (virgins); they have no reflection (or sense of self) don’t be alone with them; they’re not French (they hate garlic).  

[Kwamina]

Hi slategarden

I am glad you are reaching out for support here, welcome to bpdfamily

Even though I have a few early memories of her extreme emotional attacks most of them started around the time I hit puberty with the worst of them involving me getting moved to a sleeping bag in a dark corner of the storage area for about 3 months, all communication cut off from everyone(except if my mother approved) and being forced to eat all my meals outside. That was of coursed paired with the usual messages of how she wished I'd never been born, I was the failure child of the family and I was horribly selfish, mean, unloving, vindictive and manipulative. I believed her. I thought I was ruining the family so first I tried to commit suicide(which she laughed at when she caught me and claimed I was just looking for attention) and then decided to try to get away through whatever means possible.

Like HappyChappy I too am shocked by what she did to you. This is a horrible way to treat a child. Your mother's cruel behavior clearly affected you very much, as it would have affected most people. I am very sorry you went through such a tough time.

It's great to hear that you are in a better place now, happily married with 2 kids It sounds like your husband is very supportive.

I understand your concerns for your siblings. Unfortunately there is only so much you can do for them. I agree with HappyChappy that if possible it would be helpful to keep some line of communication open to them. When they are older this will make it easier to reconnect with them.

I am the youngest child of 4 and one of my sisters (the youngest of two) was treated as the all-bad child by our uBPD mother. She moved out when she was 18 to free herself from the hurtful way she was being treated. After she left, my uBPD mother, uBPD sis and narcissistic brother more and more started to turn on me. The first few years I still had contact with my other sister, but my mother didn't really like it and sometimes made sarcastic comments such as 'Who can take better care of you? Sister ... .perhaps?'. For a few years I didn't have contact with this sister but at a certain point I visited her and the contact was restored. My uBPD mom and uBPD sis were kinda shocked and didn't really like it, uBPD sis made a sarcastic waifish comment 'Have I fallen from grace?' because she was jealous. Things became more difficult for me after my youngest sister moved out, but as young as I was, I could already clearly see how she was being mistreated and understood her desire to get away from that. When I was 10 years old I remember that I really did not want to live at home with my family anymore and that feeling never left me.

Keeping some sort of line open to your young siblings can help them deal with everything they might be going through, now and also in the long-run. You moved far away to protect yourself. They might have trouble fully understanding that now, but if you keep the lines open, as they get older, they might understand more and more what you went through and why you made the decision to distance yourself. As adults this will hopefully make it easier for all of you to fully re-connect then, in spite of your uBPD mother.

Take care and I encourage you to share more of your story when you have the time. Many of our members know how tough it is to have a BPD mother and will be able to relate to you and give you advice

[claudiaduffy]

Hi, Slategarden.

I understand what a drastic suggestion I'm about to make, but if you have any reason to believe that your siblings are being treated in similarly abusive ways to what you were - ostracized from the house, kept in social isolation for months at a time, et cetera - I would suggest that you seriously consider notifying the authorities, especially if you have any proof. This would be a very drastic move and I would only take it myself if I thought my siblings were in actual danger. But as you said, you yourself attempted suicide as a child because of this kind of treatment.

If it is likely, in the eyes of the state, that your mother is abusing and endangering your siblings, it's likely they would at least be temporarily housed with foster parents or other (healthier) relatives, if there are any. This is of course an extremely disruptive and awful thing to have happen to your family, even if you are miserable with your family, so again, I am not quick to suggest it for any and all BPDmom circumstances. But I would hope you do think the option through and know how to go through with it if things get bad enough that you fear for your siblings' safety. What you described happening to you as a child is actual abuse and neglect and emotional torture that goes beyond some of the "lighter" emotional abuse that some BPD parents inflict.