New - marriage 20 yrs - what do you do next if you suspect spouse has BPD?

[formflier]

What concerns me still is that the wife is mirroring me big time... .so I guess I have to try and not let that set a cycle in motion... .I think I'm starting to see that 'she' has/lives her relationship with me through me... .does that make sense?  It's been as if many times I'm talking to myself when I'm talking to her... .

Any chance that you can have some fun with this?  

Seriously... .if she gets in a mirroring faze... .run with it.

When dd and upwBPD trigger each other ... .I meant to say that it causes dysregulation for both ... .will save this further for the more appropriate group.

And your job is to not let that dysregulation get to you... .

Let them do... .what they do.

Once they are not dysregulated you may be able to give them "nudges" in the right direction.  

Their behavior is not a reflection of you.  It's also not your responsibility.

FF

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[init]

Formflier ... Yes sometimes you run with it... mirroring... .and then it stops... I guess she figures it's no longer needed or such... .it's like a form of flattery it feels like,.but it's just how she is feeling I guess.

The dd and uBPD wife triggering is bad... it gets nasty... talking smashing chucking etc then physical... .something like that there is no control really I can exert other than ( as I do and that is stand between them and normally one backs off but the other does not) and then one can lash out at me and I just take it until it stops... .I don't wish my experiences on anyone tbh.

[init]

... .we have issues with dd1 as said and I am literally pulling my hair, uBPD wife just doesn't have that motherly connection I had with my mother and that I see in other mothers... .why is it so... ?

I'm thinking dd1 issues is partly a lack of bonding... .certainly it's not there as I understand it would be...

[waverider]

I'm thinking dd1 issues is partly a lack of bonding... .certainly it's not there as I understand it would be...

Most likely, it is hard for a real bond to form with two personality disordered individuals as neither is truly giving, but rather mirroring to get their own needs met. So there is no real trust.

Problem is they both have a 'need" for each other so they struggle to distance and so keep colliding back and forth.

[formflier]

no control really I can exert other than ( as I do and that is stand between them and normally one backs off but the other does not) and then one can lash out at me and I just take it until it stops... . 

The similarity of stories that show up on these boards is amazing.

I used to routinely stand between my wife and whatever kid was "getting it" or "going at it" with my wife.

A lot of that happened early on in my experience here at bpdfamily... .so I was still grappling with a lot of new ideas and how to implement them properly.

Something to consider:  If something is important enough... .or is perceived as dangerous enough that you need to physically stand between them to stop it... .is that important enough to make a phone call for 911... .or to child protective services... .or take some other action to focus outside attention on the problem.

When you are physically standing between them you then become the object of hate and scorn and (as you said) will have to "take it" for a while.

Not that you will be loved by making a call... .but it will change the dynamic.

Looking back... .I don't know if any good ever came of me standing between them. 


Hag in there... .I think we'll get you pointed in a better direction... .soon.

FF

[init]

Waverider yes that's how it seems... these two are banging into each other... .the way the wife talks to and her approach to the dd though is to me wrong... it always sounds like a threat/punishment or demanding request... you never hear the subtle tones of a quiet caring sensitive enquirer towards the dd... .But then I guess this is part of the Pd.  I once would take sides on the basis of logic of who was right or wrong... .but I've since realised that was just feeding the issue more for one of them... .it is far better to try and act in a way that tries to stop escalation.   There is no logic to such encounters... .   Just ott defending attacking emotions... .  They both seem hurt ... .Really hurt by what each say to each other... and how they say it.

Formflier. ... this place yourself, Waverider  and the members here have helped me so much already... .I have an explanation to a lot of what is going on. 

Currently I'm trying to simply be supportive to dd no matter what she does... .uBPD wife is more Harder to help.

[formflier]

... I have an explanation to a lot of what is going on. 

Currently I'm trying to simply be supportive to dd no matter what she does... .uBPD wife is more Harder to help.

And once you have an explanation... .now you have something to study.

Try to take the lessons here... .and explain them to DD as a "life lesson".

DO NOT explain to her "how to handle Mom". 

Avoiding JADEing is a great life lesson.  What boss wants a person that is full of "explanations"

If you have to give an explanation... .be direct... .focus on solutions... .no blame.

If you can focus conversations around this... .DD might learn something.

Or... .there could be lots of eye rolling... .  

Either way you win... .more time with DD.


FF

[init]

Thanks FF

Have to say if it's not obvious... I am a reluctant stayer... like you I'm up to my neck and really unless someone's life is at stake... I'm going to have to stay to try and give the kids stability.

I've had to give up work due to ill health... and I had hoped that my time would help bond us in a more harmonious fashion... .but I hadn't reckoned with BPD... .it's been there all along didn't know what it was... at least I have that knowledge to work with... But at the same time ... given the chance I wouldn't advise anyone to knowingly get involved with someone with BPD... .and if your not sure spend the time to learn about oneself more before you commit.