worried about the impact my BPD husband is having on our daughter

[sanfambam]

My husb has BPD we have a toddler together and I want to do the best for my daughter but I'm confused whether i should stay with him or leave. When he is good he is great but i dont know if thats the real him and I worry what she is witnessing when he goes off and the lies he tells and whether or not its harmful to her emotional development

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

 

This is an understandable concern, and many members here have gone through the same. Luckily you are aware upfront and so can take better steps to at least assess this properly and address it if you can. Too many folks only discover the underlying issue after the damage has been done.

A lot will depend on you settiing a good example in how you are seen to handle the disorder. To this end the first step is for you learn to deal with it, then you will be in a better place to make this call.

A certain degree of dysfunction is not the end of the world as long as its not uncontained and toxic

Waverider

[sanfambam]

The more I read the more I think leaving will leave destroy him and I dont want that. My daughter loves him dearly and we r lucky we got his diagnosis early, he is scheduled for an inpatient stay for 3 weeks in a few weeks and I feel relieved that he wont be here for a few weeks cos I feel his draining my happiness. I see how u say setting a good example on how to handle the disorder, i dont really set a good example. I still get upset and try and make him see reason of which he never does, then he starts bashing his head against the windows and I hear my daughter ask me if I'm ok and it breaks my heart that she feels concerned for me. Is a good example just going along with his lies so he doesnt explode?

[unicorn2014]

 

My husb has BPD we have a toddler together and I want to do the best for my daughter but I'm confused whether i should stay with him or leave. When he is good he is great but i dont know if thats the real him and I worry what she is witnessing when he goes off and the lies he tells and whether or not its harmful to her emotional development

Hi sanfambam and welcome to the family! That is a really hard decision, whether or not to stay in the marriage for the sake of your child. I am glad you find us. I hope that you will find some comfort in sharing your story with us.

[sanfambam]

Thankyou for ur replies also it is very reassuring knowing there are people out there willing to listen.

[babyducks]

I want to join waverider and unicorn in saying hi.   

I see how u say setting a good example on how to handle the disorder, i dont really set a good example. I still get upset and try and make him see reason of which he never does, then he starts bashing his head against the windows and I hear my daughter ask me if I'm ok and it breaks my heart that she feels concerned for me. Is a good example just going along with his lies so he doesnt explode?

There is a surprising amount to learn about being in a relationship with a person who suffers from BPD.  I wanted to show you this link as a good place to start.

The Do's and Don'ts for a BP relationship

The rest of the links can be found in the LESSONS box that runs down the right hand side of the screen.   

What the experts tell us is that pwBPD suffer from thought instability which tends to display as an intense belief in their own perceptions despite facts to the contrary.     Depending on the circumstances, you find something in those perceptions that is valid, and respond to that.   The process is called validation and we talk about it a lot here.   It takes some practice.   And some getting used to.  Keep reading and posting there is a lot on this site.

'ducks

[waverider]

learning about it and having a go at making things different puts you in a better place to make decisions about the future. You don't want to be left with a whole lot of what ifs/doubts and regrets.

You wil also learn a lot to make a better you