Why do I attract BPD people ?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

 I am coming from a family where my father was a alkoholic , violence was often used in my family (my father beating my mother). I was often one between them trying to stop this hell. Now I got feelings that I must do a lot to satisfy people , the things I do for people affects me and got lot of meaning for me. Could it be because of it I am atracted for people with BPD ?

[Pablo826]

 I am coming from a family where my father was a alkoholic , violence was often used in my family (my father beating my mother). I was often one between them trying to stop this hell. Now I got feelings that I must do a lot to satisfy people , the things I do for people affects me and got lot of meaning for me. Could it be because of it I am atracted for people with BPD ?

[toddinrochester]

Hello Pablo. I think most of us ask the same question. I came from a single parent home as my Dad died when I was three and my Mom never re-married. I was incredibly independent because my Mom had to work two jobs in order for ends to be met. My therapist asked a great question at the end of the last session. She asked if I felt important as a child. Puzzling question at first but then I got that punch in the stomach feeling when someone hits on something I have struggled with for a while. The answer is No. I describe myself as you look around your room and tell me what stands out the most. There is one thing that catches your attention. I am everything else. You need to look inside and be honest with what you put out there. I know for a fact I am co-dependent, I fly that flag and its bright and easily picked up on in relationships. This last experience only painfully confirmed what I  always knew. The kicker? I have never had issues before with relationships until I got divorced over 6 years ago. She was not BPD, completely normal. So, something happened but it all comes back to my childhood. The same answer for the person with BPD (I think, I am just starting to soak all of the info up) . Sorry for rambling.  

[SlowlySurely]

I am coming from a family where my father was a alkoholic , violence was often used in my family (my father beating my mother). I was often one between them trying to stop this hell. Now I got feelings that I must do a lot to satisfy people , the things I do for people affects me and got lot of meaning for me. Could it be because of it I am atracted for people with BPD ?

Hi Pablo826,

It's my understanding that most people who attract BPD/NPD people are co-dependent. We learn to suppress our own needs/wants/desires in exchange for love/affection/attention. This is mostly because at some point down the line we were taught that we are ONLY valued for WHAT WE DO and NOT WHO WE ARE.(THIS IS NOT TRUE BY THE WAY) The more we do in these relationships for the other person we feel valued, with people who have BPD (I'm sure everyone is different but my ex was clingy) so I felt like she needed me, which made me feel valued. When she didn't "need" me anymore I felt horrible and unwanted and unloved, much like I did in childhood when I was only praised every time I DID something for my mother.

So what happens is that we grow up thinking that the only people that will love us are the people that NEED us, or the people that NEED us to do something for them. We don't understand that we ourselves are enough and that we DON'T have to do anything other than be ourselves in order for people to love us. This keeps us attracted to people who have BPD/NPD, usually can't take care of themselves, or need someone to save them from something, etc... .

You as you are is enough.

You are enough. Everyone in this forum is enough.

It's easier to read than to believe but I'm working on it. 

[enlighten me]

Do we attract them or are we attracted to them?

[focus]

Do we attract them or are we attracted to them?

Both.

I heard somewhere that we all know the feeling of falling in love, the intense chemistry and all.

The chemistry between a codependent person and a pwBPD is like that chemistry on crack.

[Gonzalo]

It sounds like you have codependent traits. They tend to fit directly to the pwBPD in a way that enables their disorder to fully manifest while tying you to the person. BPDs have a much harder time forming relationships with healthy people, because healthy people treat the BPD's problem behaviors as problems and pull away.

I think a huge chunk of my codependency was cauterized away by my relationship, and it's something I specifically look for to keep in check now. It's really eye opening just how much someone can use your desire to help against you.