Accepting that I can't change things

[HomesteadE]

Hello all,

I saw the local mental health team last week to see if they could facilitate a meeting with my son, 23, who has been no contact for 12 months.  They had been seeing him before he left home suddenly 13 months ago, and I believe that his leaving was partly at their recommendation. 

The man I saw wasn't able to give me any help or hope.  He pretty much told me to give up on my son, look after me, and do what it takes to survive this.  I can't think what kind of parent would ever give up on their child but can see that what he is trying to say is that it's just futile if my own son passes me in the street with his nose in the air.

I've sort of come to the conclusion that I raised a severely damaged person who is now damaging me, deliberately, for reasons I really just don't understand.  I could not have given, cared, loved, or done any more than I did. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

That is just awful that they don't give you any resources to help you.  They could have at least suggested a book or bpdfamily.com! 

Where there is breath there is hope HomesteadE.

Early on in our family's journey to find answers a friend gave me this advice:

"Just love her through it"

At the time, in my confusion and despair I thought... .wow... .she just doesn't get it and in the end... .it was the best advice I got.

Life will eventually dictate that your son will contact you again.  In the interim... .love him through it and educate yourself to be prepared for a healthier relationship with him.



lbj

[Maty]

It is incredibly hard to accept. It has taken a lot to let go of the guilt. I think as mothers, we need to let go of that poisonous guilt. For me the guilt has made me prone to being abused. It has taken a lot of learning and observing me and the situations that have developed to start building some boundaries. I always think, if only he wanted help,,, then everything would be so different. But he doesn't want the help in spite of all the resources available to him. In the end I do have to take care of me because all his drama deeply affects my health. I always let him know that my door is open, and if he wants help, I'll be here to support him in his journey.

[Mutt]

Hi HomesteadE,



I'm so sorry you're going through this

I see that the man at the local mental health team is describing one side of the coin. If a sufferer of BPD is ignoring you, it's a subconscious defense mechanism that protects against anxiety and stress called splitting.

I've sort of come to the conclusion that I raised a severely damaged person who is now damaging me, deliberately, for reasons I really just don't understand.  I could not have given, cared, loved, or done any more than I did.  

When we're split black we mean something to that person and they see us as all bad or all good. A sufferer of BPD have difficulties seeing someone as an integrated whole or the space in-between, the grey area.

I think it helps to understand why our loved ones behave the way that they do, it helps us to weather the storm.  

[AVR1962]

Perfectly said, "not have given, cared, loved, or done any more than I did" and you need to remember that. You gave your best, now it is time to relieve yourself from the obligation you once had with your son, it is okay to do this. He is an adult and he has to find his way. He has made a decision with his life and right now he does not want contact, honor this.

I understand your pain. Like you said, this is causing you pain. Let go and find yourself, your happiness.

If you like to read I found so much good in this book, "Change Your Mind Change Your Life" by Karen Casey. It is not a book on BPD. Rather it is a book about learning that everyone has their own journey in life and we each have to find our own way. It helped me step back as caregiver and allowed myself so much freedom.

Just for minute let's go thru a scenario... .what would happen if your son showed up at your door tomorrow, no apology, just walked back into your life like nothing happened? Would you want to talk things thru with him to find out why he had not spoke to you in a year? And would he ignore you or would he be willing to sit and talk? If you could talk, would he be blaming or would he expect you to lick is wounds? Just because he comes back does not mean the troubles are all gone. He has to learn his lessons in life first and maybe he is not ready to face himself and do anything more than blame others. I don't know you and I do not know your son so I am not trying to spoon feed you something that could be way off base. I just know what I have dealt with.

As you may recall, my daughter also is not talking to me, not a new situation. This happens from time to time with my BPD daughter and of course I am the one who has done her wrong. Thru family members I hear what she has told everyone and in every situation they are spun stories to justify her anger and hurt, some of them pretty crazy and ridiculous. She always involves her support system and plays me against this person or that. It gets real old. She is now 34, diagnosed with BPD when she was 18. This time I am not reacting the same way as the past and I suggest the same for you. I wanted us to talk and mend which was met with silence or resistance... .I can say e have never sat and had a genuine heart to heart talk. She harbors some real hard feelings towards me and this time around I realized that until she deals with her own hard feelings towards me we will repeat the same scenario and I am no longer willing to do this. Some food for thought.

[livednlearned]

Hi HomesteadE,

How discouraging to hear that the mental health workers gave you no hope. It sounds like you had a feeling that they were not supportive of your relationship. Telling a parent to give up hope on his or her child is unacceptable coming from a mental health professional and I would be tempted to dismiss everything he said and focus on someone else who is willing to join me in feeling hope and love for my child.

We have very different situations and I am not sure if my experience is meaningful to yours. I do look back and see that when my son pulled away or acted in "avoidant" ways that I followed suit because it seemed to be what he wanted. I listened to one video featuring Dr. Gundersen, one of the leading experts on BPD, talk about how our kids actually influence us as parents as much if not more so than our parenting influences our kids. He's talking specifically about kids with BPD traits. This change in thinking is practically revolutionary in terms of how we think about parenting -- if you are in any way at fault, then so is everyone. Anyway, the takeaway for me is that I misread my son's cues and instead of leaning in when he seemed to want me to lean away, I gave him space. He then interpreted that to mean I didn't care.

This is just one way that our children can see the world different than we do. In our love for them, we heed their cues, which are the exact opposite of what they deeply want and need.

You may not be able to reach your son right now as he tries to establish distance, and that's painful and needs to be grieved. You may be able to prepare for the day when he reappears. I love lbjnltx's suggestion in another thread for a hope box -- a memento to show your son that he mattered to you even in his absence. It is one way to make our feelings visible to a child who needs to see facts that overwhelm the disordered thinking that afflicts them. The other way is to learn the slightly different parenting skills that seem to have their own set of rules, very different than the ones that may work with other children, or worked for us, or are espoused by parenting experts who know very little to nothing about BPD.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. Losing contact with my son would bring on a grief I can only imagine, and to be told to give up on him by someone who tries to pass as an authority would add insult to injury.



LnL