Please explain how to detach with love

[Soccerchic7]

I am finally recognizing the toll my BPD husband has taken on me and my kids. The circular arguments with the kids have brought out extreme anger in them. The get so frustrated. I can't parent as a team and stand by him when he is unreasonable and mood driven. I pay the majority of the bills and the endless checking on him and his mood state and lifting up his self esteem is too much. He doesn't have the empathy required to repair the damage done in relation to his children and I'm sick of being in the middle. How do I detach with love from my husband when he can't afford to live on his own and is so attached to his victim role?  The kids and I need to move on whether or not he moves on with us. They don't respect him looking to me to answer any questions seeing him as uncompromising and unpredictably angry. His teen hates him and his younger ones hate being with him begging me to pick them up from school. He will quickly punish by taking away all electronics for the slightest transgression and overreact rather than talking with them. He demands 100% compliance and respect while engaging in juvenile arguments with them. He has no insight but feels horrible and like a failure as a parent which frankly he has failed his kids. I really feel so trapped in the middle and need to find this utopia land of detaching with love.  Does any one have advice?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[flowerpath]

Hi, soccerchic7.  I posted something last night about detaching, but for me, it's not really utopia land.  It may look like that in what I write, but I usually just focus on what goes right, what has helped me, or what has worked for me.

Though things are better, there are some really frustrating and annoying things that occur, and I think it's always going to be that way. 

I guess for some people, detaching means leaving, but for me, detachment is more of a mental stance, and that is what helps me to stick with this.  To sincerely validate, to be careful not to invalidate, to enforce my boundaries firmly but not in an ugly way, to show that I understand but still not take on any ownership of the disordered thoughts and emotions, and to focus on and enjoy what I can that's outside of my h and his behavior is to detach with love.

A lot of what you wrote happened in our home for years--before I ever found this site.  So many times his behavior was the opposite of what he was telling the kids they should be like. Hard to respect that! Sometimes he embarrassed us in public.  His interactions with one of our sons were often very ugly, and he projected negative futures for both of them.  After I found this site, I explained to our children what I thought was happening without saying that I think that it's BPD (because it is undiagnosed) and taught them as much as I could about boundaries and being careful not to invalidate their father.  That helped a lot. 

There have been plenty of times that I've wanted to leave.  And I know he's felt the same.  Like in your situation, it would be financially difficult for my h to live on his own, and that is one reason that at this stage in our lives, I feel that it would be wrong for me to leave.  If he ever decides to leave, I know I will be fine.  In the meantime, I will focus my efforts on how I can improve other things - things that can add little bits of better to our home in spite of the circumstances.

[unicorn2014]

I am finally recognizing the toll my BPD husband has taken on me and my kids. The circular arguments with the kids have brought out extreme anger in them. The get so frustrated. I can't parent as a team and stand by him when he is unreasonable and mood driven. I pay the majority of the bills and the endless checking on him and his mood state and lifting up his self esteem is too much. He doesn't have the empathy required to repair the damage done in relation to his children and I'm sick of being in the middle. How do I detach with love from my husband when he can't afford to live on his own and is so attached to his victim role?  The kids and I need to move on whether or not he moves on with us. They don't respect him looking to me to answer any questions seeing him as uncompromising and unpredictably angry. His teen hates him and his younger ones hate being with him begging me to pick them up from school. He will quickly punish by taking away all electronics for the slightest transgression and overreact rather than talking with them. He demands 100% compliance and respect while engaging in juvenile arguments with them. He has no insight but feels horrible and like a failure as a parent which frankly he has failed his kids. I really feel so trapped in the middle and need to find this utopia land of detaching with love.  Does any one have advice?

Hi soccer chic, I am glad you are continuing to post.   I believe it is I who brought up the detach with love concept. I borrowed that from Al-Anon, are you familiar with that program? Its a 12 step program for friends and family members of alcoholics. SWOE mentions it as well. Detaching with love means things like not doing for people what they can do for themselves (eat, drink, bathe, pay bills)  not to create crisis or fix a crisis if its in the natural progression of things, not to suffer because of what the (pwBPD) or not doing, not to be used by another person in the interest of their recovery. Does this make sense?

[Soccerchic7]

I'm very familiar with the program but what I get hung up on is not doing something they should be able to do themselves.  I honestly see him as mentally ill (I think I had mY Florence nightfall hat on when we met). He does not appear capable to gain a promotion. English is his second language so I'm constantly helping him with any writing he needs to do and I'm the only one that can help with the kids homework.  How do I stay out of interfering when he is weird with the kids. It would be so much easier to understand if he was in recovering from addiction. I wouldn't bail him out of jail ect. But a lot of the people I know who are sober are brilliant amazing people who are very capable of resolving their own problems.  He is so emotionally stunted and unpredictable I don't know what to step back from. I feel like I'm going to break from being the families rock. Thank you so much for all of your posts.  It's so helpful. I'm to embarrassed to go to my friends yet again. 

[unicorn2014]

I'm very familiar with the program but what I get hung up on is not doing something they should be able to do themselves.  I honestly see him as mentally ill (I think I had mY Florence nightfall hat on when we met). He does not appear capable to gain a promotion. English is his second language so I'm constantly helping him with any writing he needs to do and I'm the only one that can help with the kids homework.  How do I stay out of interfering when he is weird with the kids. It would be so much easier to understand if he was in recovering from addiction. I wouldn't bail him out of jail ect. But a lot of the people I know who are sober are brilliant amazing people who are very capable of resolving their own problems.  He is so emotionally stunted and unpredictable I don't know what to step back from. I feel like I'm going to break from being the families rock. Thank you so much for all of your posts.  It's so helpful. I'm to embarrassed to go to my friends yet again. 

Hi Soccer Chic, I had two of the detachment fliers on my fridge so I'll quote it here, its always good for me to review. I'm taking out the word alcoholism and adding in the word borderline.

":)etachment is neither kind nor unkind. It does not imply judgment or condemnation of the person or situation from which we are detaching. Separating ourselves from the adverse effects of another person's (borderline behavior) can be a means of detaching: this does not necessarily require physical separation. Detachment can help us look at our situations realistically and objectively.

(Borderline personality disorder) is a family disease. Living with the effects of someone else's BPD is too devastating for most people to bear without help. "

From there it may differ from the BPD family message and I can post more with that caveat in mind if you like. I can also post from stop walking on eggshells if you don't have that book at home as it also talks about detach with love.

Please free to post here as much as you need. The people that post here are familiar with borderline behavior and have a lot of skills on how to deal with it. I hope you find some comfort here.

[Soccerchic7]

I read that book a year ago but while I understand the concept in theory the practical application escapes me. For example, he cycled into his shut down moody self where he argues with everything and then stops talking (picks fights). I didn't engage. But now that I don't beg him to tell me what's wrong or become his therapist he is all about wanting to be near me and text me kind thoughts while at work completely skipping addressing or taking responsibility for putting us all through another of his roller coaster rides. He always has an excuse like I was thinking about my past or feel like a failure. Or you would be better off with a rich smart guy (kind of have to bite my tongue on that one cause duh. Yeah)  I'm so irritated that he is again making it about him and his feeling sorry for himself vs taking adult like responsibility.  I can initiate conversation but my skin crawls imagining that yet again. Man if I'm going to be his therapist I so need to be paid an hourly rate

[unicorn2014]

I read that book a year ago but while I understand the concept in theory the practical application escapes me. For example, he cycled into his shut down moody self where he argues with everything and then stops talking (picks fights). I didn't engage. But now that I don't beg him to tell me what's wrong or become his therapist he is all about wanting to be near me and text me kind thoughts while at work completely skipping addressing or taking responsibility for putting us all through another of his roller coaster rides. He always has an excuse like I was thinking about my past or feel like a failure. Or you would be better off with a rich smart guy (kind of have to bite my tongue on that one cause duh. Yeah)  I'm so irritated that he is again making it about him and his feeling sorry for himself vs taking adult like responsibility.  I can initiate conversation but my skin crawls imagining that yet again. Man if I'm going to be his therapist I so need to be paid an hourly rate

Hi soccer chic,

Would it be helpful to you to pull that section from the book and post it here? I could also share with you my own experiences of struggling with that kind of behavior from my partner if that would be useful to you.

It sounds like your husband does not have a therapist. Do you? I have found that having a therapist to help me with my r/s is invaluable.

Detaching with love is not utopia. I was actually not able to do it in my marriage to an alcoholic. It actually is for people who are still in a r/s with a practicing alcoholic. It means having a happy productive life whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not and its very hard. It means the same thing in a borderline marriage, having a happy, productive life whether the borderline is still acting out or not. As you can see that is a very difficult task.