First time post: married for 15 years to BPD husband, at the end of my rope

[peacepatty]

I am a 43 yr old mother of 3 daughters.  I am the sole financial provider for our family.  I have allowed my husband to pursue a career in the music industry with a band that has had no monetary success at all. He has been a stay-at-home dad to our kids except when he tours.  Last April I demanded that my husband leave our home and seek treatment for anger/rage issues and unbearable mood swings. He self medicates with regular use of marijuana and alcohol. I thought he had bipolar disorder and would benefit from medical treatment.  We separated for almost 2 months. He is under treatment with a counselor and refused to take any medication that was recommended by the psychiatrist.  He made his way back home, appeasing me with a few couples counseling sessions. Things were ok, but after a short while I realized that I was back on his roller coaster.  After venting to a friend about some of his challenging behaviors, she said to me, he doesn't sound Bipolar... .it sounds like he has Borderline Personality Disorder.  So I researched and it was clear to me that this is the real issue.  So here is the quandary:  I am literally exhausted mentally, emotionally, financially by being in this relationship.  The good times are few and far between, the bad times are daily, whenever I say the wrong thing, buy the wrong thing at the store, you know.  Now that I know that he's not just a jerk, and that he's being a jerk because of BPD, I'm really not sure I have it in me to help him anymore.  I pay ALL bills, health. ins, his credit card, and yes, his weed.  I do that because it truly makes his moods more bearable.  I don't know.  He is a remarkably good Dad, he just has been a horrible husband.  I am not getting what I want or need out of the relationship, but the compassionate part of me really wants to help him.  Then again, why should I?  Thank you for reading and allowing me to vent.

peace patty

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Turkish]

Hi peacepatty,



I'm sorry that you feel at the end of your rope in your marriage. It can be very frustrating when we realize that what should be a reciprocal relationship ends up being we constantly meeting the needs of the other partner. Substance abuse only adds a complcating factor. How much is it that, and how much is it just their intrinsic personality?

While it's good that he seems to be a good dad, you seem to have gotten to the point of exhaustion, and it isn't fulfilling for you.

You say he seems better under the influence of weed, so I'm assuming that his dysregulating behaviors tend to be worse sober? Like anything sets him off?

When frustrated, it's natural to lash out... .or withdraw. Which side of that spectrum do you think you tend to do?

Turkish

[an0ught]

Hi peace patty,

I am not getting what I want or need out of the relationship, but the compassionate part of me really wants to help him.  Then again, why should I?

Indeed why should you help him? You were helping him all the time and it did not help. Old strategy failed and new strategy needed.

A big part of getting our relationship better has to do with getting better ourselves. That often means establishing boundaries i.e. limits for ourselves. Protecting areas that are key to our lives and livelihoods e.g. the long term family finances against short term drama. Protecting our recovery resources from exhaustion. Protecting ourselves from abuse. Balancing our energy and spending sufficient on ourselves so we can sustain the long term. Accepting that things go wrong and consequences may be unavoidable for us and/or the pwBPD if we stand by what we truly believe.

,

a0

[Hope26]

Hi Patty,

I just want to welcome you to the board and to say how much I empathize wtih you.  I think it may be even harder for us women to put up with the rages, mood swings, and irritability over trivial things that you had mentioned.  As women, we are the ones expected to be emotional and we in turn have a greater need to have a shoulder to cry on.  We are innately more sensitive.  Not to say that this is not difficult to deal with for the guys on the board, but in a way it's a shock for us women to have to learn to be the strong one emotionally; it's certainly been a learning experience for me, and has forced me to deal with my own negative emotions in a more mature manner.  Having said that, I also think you are putting up with more than you should since he doesn't  contribute even close to half in this relationship.  You could continue to be the breadwinner in a situation where you didn't have to put up with verbal and emotional abuse from your spouse.  Whatever you decide, please be good to yourself and know you deserve more in life.  And that you have the support of those of us on this board.

[unicorn2014]

Hi peace patty and welcome to BPD family.   I'm glad you took the time to come and post here. I am sure you will find people in similar situations such as your own. I've read similar stories to yours recently on this board. It is possible for you to improve your own life even if your husband doesn't change. I think a good place to start would be to start reading about BPD behaviors. If you have any questions please ask. People are here to help! 

[peacepatty]

Thank you to everyone who responded to my post. I had hoped to respond sooner and was sidetracked by a life that is out of balance.

Answer to Turkish:  My coping mechanism as of late has been to withdraw out of fear.  I used to engage, I am not at all the type to "lash out"... .but learned over these many years that it comes to no avail.  Yes, also, without weed he tends to blow up over anything at all, and we all do the dance to not upset daddy.

This week has been unnerving and exhausting, in the past week I have come to the realization, finally, that I don't deserve this.  My husband has accused me this week of "not being committed 100% of myself 100% of the time for the entire 16 years together".  As you all know, when you are pulled in then pushed away, thousands of times and in my case with terrifying anger and hostility, it is hard... .impossible... .to not live with the fear that you are going to upset them again. and again. This walled up my heart, but I never wavered in my support to him, financial, emotional... .all of it.  I always gave in to his loving words and apologies.  This is too much.

Also, he REGULARLY chooses to engage and challenge me in front of my children.  I ask calmly to wait until later, and last night I got, "why not talk in front of her (my 11yo daughter)! she needs to know the truth of what you're doing to me!  You're killing me".  This is too much. 

I am planning on calling my lawyer (specializing in divorce for victims of domestic abuse) tomorrow and proceeding with caution.  I wish I had joined this board a decade ago and maybe it wouldn't have gotten to this... .I don't know, but as he is in complete denial that he has an emotional problem, I find myself getting ready for the next chapter of my life without him. I feel ok in letting go.  It is time for me to start to secure my future. Thanks again to all of you warriors! peace be with you   

[Turkish]

peacepatty,

I'm sorry that you feel like its come to this. You mentioned anger and rage issues in your first post. If you're talking DV, that's another level. Do you and the kids feel safe? It sounds like contacting a DV lawyer, exerienced in this is the right move.

I'd still encourage you to look at the lessons to the right of the board. Reducing conflict while planning is one way to help keep safe.

[Beacher]

I'm sorry you are going through this. On top of supporting everyone it must be exhausting dealing with his mood swings. Don't listen to any talk of " you are the problem", it's 100% false but after a while you do start having doubts. No one deserves  to be treated badly- NO one. I think it's a good idea to stop buying his weed. Even if it helps the mood swings, it's a form of enabling and not legal! ( not sure what state you live in though.) Don't add one more thing to,your plate but do seek help for yourself with a therapist. Just venting about how you feel takes a huge burden off yourself. Take care

[Dobzhansky]

Wow.  Wowowowowow! 

I am SO sorry you have to go in for this.  I really am.  I understand much of what you are feeling and going through as I am in a very similar situation:  I am a father to 3 beautiful girls, all grown or nearly so.  My wife terrorized us in very similar ways for years and years.  My wife left our home and our family 15 months ago.

We communicate regularly, and as long as we keep it superficial and nuts-and-bolts everything is fine.  My girls have completely shut down on her and are in "no-contact".  We are all stable and receiving therapy.

The point is this:  You have found an AMAZING resource at bpdfamily.  I feel very nurtured and supported here.  No question is too much or too simple to ask.  I have been a member for a few months now and have had many good conversations here from people who really know what it feels like to be where we are and why we ask the questions that we do.  I liken it to being lost in a dark, dark forest and having someone kind and helpful lead you in to the light.

Hang in there and keep coming back!