should i be worried about ex's upcoming trip w/children?

[momtara]

So a few months ago, ex sent me an email saying he was taking the kids on a trip to Vermont (5 hours away) alone, and that it would be half on my parenting time. since this was a demand and not a request, I reminded him of when his parenting time is (sat to sunday, one day and not two). he got frustrated and then gave up. I felt I had to set a boundary so he doesn't start demanding the kids during my parenting time.

In our agreement, btw, we have to let each other know 2 wks in advance if we are taking the kids more than 2 hrs away. they are both under 5. we also have to provide an itinerary.

He has never taken the kids on a trip. Recently my parents and I took the kids to Washington DC to visit relatives, also several hours away. apparently this pissed him off, so he told me again that he was taking the kids to Vermont, this time during his regularly scheduled time, which is tomorrow.

I can't really interfere in this (unless I have a real good reason) so I said little. He said he's going alone. So he's driving 2 toddlers 5 hours away and back within a 36-hour timeframe, without help.

I always loved vt, so perhaps this is meant to make me jealous. he has no relatives or friends there.

should I be nervous? should I do anything about this? (really not much I can do, I think... .).

he has never technically hurt them, but has done things that were not in their best interest. he has also done things to get back at me and exert control. AND two weeks ago he lost a court case against me and now owes some court fees and we have to see a new PC. I worry that with all this, maybe he is intending something nefarious. he wants to get back together and I have not really entertained those discussions because I would need to see a lot more change to even think about that. ever since the court case, he has actually stopped harassing me and has been calling the kids each night and having nice discussions with them. but he did not call last night. he has depression and anxiety and it's just hard to figure him out sometimes.

[Ishenuts]

Does your CO say anything about providing itineraries? Where is he taking them, if not to visit friends or relatives? Vermont is absolutely beautiful this time of year, but not exactly appealing to toddlers! Are you sure he is going alone? That will be a major undertaking, speaking as someone who traveled with twin toddlers. I'd be nervous, too, but what can you do?

[momtara]

well, yes, regarding itineraries, but he's not doing anything specific, just having them walk around burlington. he only has like 30 hours.

[whirlpoollife]

Try to get the parenting time of yours that he is using back. Not for this weekend but very near future.

And any time he steps on your time, get time back immediately.

If it's not supervised visitation , he can do and go wherever he wants with kids.

Yes is overstepping the court order. My xh does it all the time. It's their control and vindication.

You have to live with someone like this to believe it.

It's us who have to enforce the court orders.  My xh wanted two weeks in a row for vacation last summer when our order is two non consecutive weeks. I let him have them together hearing they were going on a cross country trip. Change of plans , no cross country trip but he got what he wanted. So next summer, I stick with the court order, no matter what. Let him say what he wants , let the kids be disappointed , whatever.  It took being very angry at myself for letting him get his way to know to just say , no.

If you can , keep in touch with the kids during the trip... .when they arrive, when they are heading back.

Time in between, they are focused on what they are seeing.

And keep yourself very busy during this weekend.

[momtara]

THey're young, but I will be calling them. He's not actually taking any of my parenting time. He tried to do that over the summer but I said no. So this time he is taking them fully within HIS time. So really, he doesn't get much time - like 36 hours to drive them for a one-night stay and back. I am keeping boundaries, but you're right, he can do what he wants during his time.

[momtara]

now he emailed last minute to say he'd be late for pickup. frustrating. the kids are bouncing around. if he does this again i will have to tell him i am heading out soon with them. can't sit around all day.

[livednlearned]

now he emailed last minute to say he'd be late for pickup. frustrating. the kids are bouncing around. if he does this again i will have to tell him i am heading out soon with them. can't sit around all day.

He may be feeling very agitated about the prospect of driving the kids that far (5 hours in the car with toddlers can be stressful for anyone). Maybe he's hoping to find a way to exit his plan without losing face.

If my ex did this, he would come up with an excuse, or else stop somewhere along the way and bide his time, then bring S14 back early.

Your recent court experience should give you confidence that the judge sees you as the more fit parent. If you don't want your ex to take the kids to Vermont overnight, and said no, your ex might get mad, but what would he or the courts say? Remember that the law doesn't substitute for making decisions that are in the best interests of the kids. "Your honor, my client did not think it was a good idea to put two toddlers in the car for 10 hours of a 36 hour trip, without other family members to help."

[momtara]

Problem with that is, I can't really stop him, so he'd just kind of disobey me and then my position is weaker.

But aaaaaanyway, Livedandlearned, I was thinking of you today because last time I mentioned this trip, you said that he knows what to say to agitate me, and that's probably what he was doing. You were right. He showed up 2 hours late, still claimed he was taking the kids on the trip... .but then a few hours later called and said our older kid seemed sick, so he didn't take the trip. He just took the kids to his parents' place as usual. Actually, I think our kid WAS a little sick. But really, how was he planning to drive five hours and back in 30-36 hours, being two hours late for pickup? He most likely made the whole thing up all along, to feel in control. And to engage me.

I'm relieved but annoyed at this latest lie. Sometimes the lies are little stuff, but it's still annoying. I packed extra warm weather clothes in case they were going on the trip. Just stupid nonsense.

[livednlearned]

 

I'm sorry you had to go through the worry.

I think you handled it really well   

And glad he communicated with you -- he could've strung you along and made you worry, but he kept you in the loop, so that's a good thing.

[momtara]

That's actually true and why I am sometimes afraid to make a bigger deal of things - I want to call him on his frequent lies and tell him to stop already, but I worry that maybe he'll communicate less. Anyway, thanks as usual for your wisdom.

It's too bad the kids are still too young to tell me what's up themselves most of the time.

[david]

I think my ex knew what would get me upset about our boys and did those things just to get me to react. She used them to get to me. When I stopped reacting she stopped doing a lot of those kinds of things. It didn't happen overnight but it has pretty much stopped at this point.

Lately she has gone into the victim mode and has all kinds of medical issues. She emails about it and I do not respond at all.

The only engagement she gets from me is when she offers me the boys on her custodial time. That seems to be a regular thing now.

As I read your post my first reaction was he wasn't going to go. It just seemed so out of character for him from all your other posts. It felt like something my ex would do and I believe that is why I got that initial impression. If things like this continue you may see the same patterns I saw. Eventually she stopped doing things like that since she wasn't getting the reaction she wanted from me.

Sounds like you are turning a corner for the better.

[momtara]

"As I read your post my first reaction was he wasn't going to go. It just seemed so out of character for him from all your other posts."

You guys are getting to know him just as well as I do. Sorry about that, ha ha! Yes, driving five hours with both kids on a vacation, when he used to cancel our vacations last minute out of anxiety, would be very unlike him, but I figured he was out to prove something. I thought he might not go, but I had to prepare as if he would and then not overreact to it. You are right, as I react less, he will probably lessen the behavior. Then there is the other way to go, which is to firmly tell him to stop the lies, maybe even with the PC or thru court. That works sometimes too. Part of me doesn't want to raise a ruckus about certain things because I don't want to totally embarrass him or make him feel completely out of control. I can deal with small, stupid lies, and the kids are a little older than a year ago, so I'm getting a tiny (TINY) bit less anxious.

However, not knowing where the kids are in an emergency, or thinking they're in a car for 5 hours and I can't contact them 'cause dad is supposedly driving to Vermont, is stupid too. And he didn't tell me right away that he hadn't gone - he waited a few hours.

Luckily we start with the new PC soon. David, LivedandLearned, you both seem to know that he can figure out exactly how to rile me, and does it in very clever ways. I wish he could apply that sort of genius to something more positive, but that's mental illness for you.

He seems to turn out largely harmless, in the end, but some of these lies can have consequences. I think I am largely figuring out how to deal with it. That doesn't mean his mental illness won't get worse someday.

On a positive note, he took the kids to some fun activities today and sent me smiling pictures of them. It's a constant push and pull - normal, good dad behavior, and just when I'm hopeful, he does something ridiculous.

[livednlearned]

It's too bad the kids are still too young to tell me what's up themselves most of the time.

Some kids with BPD parents compartmentalize what goes on in each household, especially when one parent drills or interrogates them regularly. Even when your kids get older, they may (for kid-perspective survival purposes) choose to keep what goes on with their dad to themselves. I found with my son that I had to earn his trust by validating his feelings, and sometimes, S14 would ask that I not do anything, and I had to respect that (so tough!). Even now as a teenager, it is remarkable how much he will confide.

Hopefully your kids will too.

[momtara]

Hope so!

We shall see.