Seeking Advice for Self-Protection and Self-Care

[Chanti1975]

My husband is in denial about so many issues that have not been professionally diagnosed. However, his behavior patterns over many years have lead me to believe that he is indeed suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder.

We have been married 24 years and I have believed most of that time our relationship was solid and mutually respectful. However, a tragic situation developed in 2013 that resulted in my seeing his true values and behavior that were not at all supportive of me, my feelings, my fears, my very being. He supported a friend emotionally and financially to a degree that was obsessive and went far beyond anything that would be considered reasonable. He steam-rolled past any attempt I made to question this situation. This friend of ours was supposed to stay with us for 2-3 months while we helped her to start up a new online business and assist her in obtaining a visa to stay long term. My husband decided it was appropriate for her to stay in our home for a year, that we would financially support her and provide all the capital for the new business out of our own savings.

He became angry and verbally aggressive when I questioned why he wanted to do this. He refused to listen to my concerns about how much her presence in our home was affecting our relationship and our financial security. He repeatedly became very angry and walked out when I tried to explain my hurt, my fears and unhappiness. He became unapproachable to me.

Meanwhile, he was totally supportive of the friend, her emotional needs (confided in my husband that she was suffering from anxiety and depression 2 months after arriving to live with us) and her financial needs (confided in him that she had substantial credit card debt previously undisclosed to us when we requested open discussion about finances for building the business). He told me not to pressure her too much, and to send money to her bank account overseas so she could pay off her credit card debts.

I eventually told her to leave and drove her to the airport, paid for her ticket. He still supports her in all this and accuses me of being cruel to kick her out on the street.

He is often asked for money by his family - he cannot say 'no'. He will not discuss these generous payments to his sisters, his second cousin etc. He becomes defensive and determined to continue disregarding my questions as to why he feels it is appropriate to give our money away.

His older sister is coming to visit next week for the first time. She suffers from personality disorder as well and is confronting and aggressive generally. My husband and his siblings all suffered severe trauma as children.

My sister-in-law is coming to "sort out" my husband and his issues. I am dreading her coming to stay and have tried unsuccessfully to get my husband to understand how Uncomfortable I am in her presence. He took it as an insult, triggered impulsive aggression, he phoned her and told her that I did not want her to stay in my home so he was booking her into a nearby B&ab where he and our teenage children can visit her. No discussion was possible, he has now set the relationship with my sister-in-law up to be a failure and very difficult going forward.

Once again, he supported another rather than supporting my needs. Accused me of being selfish, cruel and judgemental.

She will stay over here the first night. Then he has agreed to take a week off work to go up the coast with her. The second week of her stay she was going to be staying home with me and the kids while he was at work (workaholic leaves at 5.30am and home at around 8pm). She will now be at the nearby B&B.

Please suggest how I can cope with this situation in the short term while also supporting my kids. They are noticing some odd behavior from my husband already. I used to try and hide it all from them and keep my husband happy as possible. Now I am trying to work on myself first priority.

I am seeing a psychologist for my own support and finding that an objective viewpoint and different perspective is helpful and reassuring.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[an0ught]

Hi Chanti1975,

sounds like there is a crisis in your marriage and certainly some behavior of your husband is out of line  . It is good that you have sought out professional help to get on your feet again.

We have been married 24 years and I have believed most of that time our relationship was solid and mutually respectful.

There is certainly a lot of drama but only recently. I wonder - we seldom hear of pwBPD where there has not been a constant worsening of the relationship over time so it is not obvious that you H would fit a BPD diagnosis. In some way it sounds like you H was a victim of a emotionally overpowering person.

In any case stress and drama whether caused by intrinsic personality traits or by external forces render people insensitive to others concerns and emotions. And the LESSONS are specifically designed to deal with such situations. So whether BPD or not having clear boundaries and communicating using SET can do a lot to stabilize the situation.

,

a0