How to use validation while making comments on BPD'so fictional lives

[Depression = 72% of members]

An uBPD has created a piece of art - lyrics to the song, book, scenario, short story, whatever. The plot is definitely based on his personal experience, on the issue that seems to be more than important to him (as it is not the first time when he is alluding to the same events in his works) and that, I'd guess, is probably a part of the set of reasons that had caused the disorder (as it is about the process of dying of someone very significant to him).  The main character is all alone with his problem. There are other people around which are one after another entering and leaving the room. So they exist in the plot's world only for a short time. And they are all equally disappointing. Their failure consists in not being able - because of their intellectual weakness, of egoism, of social conventions, of ignorance - to deal with the situation properly and to say even a thing that would not be a pure platitude. Thus the main character remains silent. This is largely because those others' texts are so or shallow that they are not worth being even shortly commented. He simply rejects them by not speaking to them. He does not negotiate, does not criticise their behaviour nor does he try to change it. He simply waits till they leave and the death will happen when he will be all alone with the problem.

Yet at the same time - this is only what HE SEES. It is his own perspective that dominates the whole work, his sight makes the only frame, no one else's narrative is included,they have only short dialogues. So: he rejects them. But he rejects whom he sees, not who they are. As he does not care of who they really are. He knows them only the way that he "writes" them in his mind. And in this mind One person leaves, the other one enters, they are all equal in being nothing that matters. He does not care that he is unjust in perceiving them, he does not let them defend themselves, he does not mind how they will be feeling over there, out of the frame.

So, one one side, his side, we have sadness, hopelessness, apathy - which is understandable - yet as well we have arrogance and stubbornness . On the other, rejected people's side, we have frustration, feeling they have only few possibilities of producing they're own autonomic discourse, feeling that they only have this one moment for presenting who they are and not even a tiny chance for explaining any failure or stupid thing that they have said.

Hope my presentation of this piece's of art internal  world is quite understandable. Now, the question is - while commenting it, how one should use validation with avoiding enabling at the same time? There has to be a lot of empathy as probably what we have here is a problem that had shaped the author's personality. There cannot be even one word suggesting the identification of the author with the character - as his art is the only space where he confesses what happened, he does not speak about it in true life. There needs to be a dialogue with the frustration that this emotional state of being abandoned cannot be lightened by no one. Yet, at the same time - it is always the same that it works for him, in daily life as well. Rejecting people is way more easy when you become your own narrator and punctuate only what's wrong with them - as you can always present them to yourself as deserving to be rejected. Hurting them and forgetting that they have been hurt and suffered is way more easy as well - as they are simply leaving the frame of your mind, they are only mirages. Silent treatment when someone says something you don't like is the only way of communication - as all they should do is just go away.

In my opinion there should be at least subtle critique of such an attitude in a review of this piece. As I think that - not sure if you'd agree - respect to the fact how lonely he was while losing his someone is obviously necessary to be expressed; but, empathising to the point that this loneliness is a destiny and justifies his way of acting would mean enabling the self-fulfilling prophecy motif  "people will never get me, I will always remain alone, all they can do is to abandon me or to disappoint me if they stay". At least I would like to represent the voice of those weaker ones in the narrative while producing my comment.

I would be very grateful for every remark or suggestion based on your experience with 'true life' BPD persons of how to make a constructive comment to 'fictional' BPD behaviours. Thank you in advance!

[2037]

An uBPD has created a piece of art - lyrics to the song, book, scenario, short story, whatever. The plot is definitely based on his personal experience, on the issue that seems to be more than important to him (as it is not the first time when he is alluding to the same events in his works) and that, I'd guess, is probably a part of the set of reasons that had caused the disorder (as it is about the process of dying of someone very significant to him).  The main character is all alone with his problem. There are other people around which are one after another entering and leaving the room. So they exist in the plot's world only for a short time. And they are all equally disappointing. Their failure consists in not being able - because of their intellectual weakness, of egoism, of social conventions, of ignorance - to deal with the situation properly and to say even a thing that would not be a pure platitude. Thus the main character remains silent. This is largely because those others' texts are so or shallow that they are not worth being even shortly commented. He simply rejects them by not speaking to them. He does not negotiate, does not criticise their behaviour nor does he try to change it. He simply waits till they leave and the death will happen when he will be all alone with the problem.

Yet at the same time - this is only what HE SEES. It is his own perspective that dominates the whole work, his sight makes the only frame, no one else's narrative is included,they have only short dialogues. So: he rejects them. But he rejects whom he sees, not who they are. As he does not care of who they really are. He knows them only the way that he "writes" them in his mind. And in this mind One person leaves, the other one enters, they are all equal in being nothing that matters. He does not care that he is unjust in perceiving them, he does not let them defend themselves, he does not mind how they will be feeling over there, out of the frame.

So, one one side, his side, we have sadness, hopelessness, apathy - which is understandable - yet as well we have arrogance and stubbornness . On the other, rejected people's side, we have frustration, feeling they have only few possibilities of producing they're own autonomic discourse, feeling that they only have this one moment for presenting who they are and not even a tiny chance for explaining any failure or stupid thing that they have said.

Hope my presentation of this piece's of art internal  world is quite understandable. Now, the question is - while commenting it, how one should use validation with avoiding enabling at the same time? There has to be a lot of empathy as probably what we have here is a problem that had shaped the author's personality. There cannot be even one word suggesting the identification of the author with the character - as his art is the only space where he confesses what happened, he does not speak about it in true life. There needs to be a dialogue with the frustration that this emotional state of being abandoned cannot be lightened by no one. Yet, at the same time - it is always the same that it works for him, in daily life as well. Rejecting people is way more easy when you become your own narrator and punctuate only what's wrong with them - as you can always present them to yourself as deserving to be rejected. Hurting them and forgetting that they have been hurt and suffered is way more easy as well - as they are simply leaving the frame of your mind, they are only mirages. Silent treatment when someone says something you don't like is the only way of communication - as all they should do is just go away.

In my opinion there should be at least subtle critique of such an attitude in a review of this piece. As I think that - not sure if you'd agree - respect to the fact how lonely he was while losing his someone is obviously necessary to be expressed; but, empathising to the point that this loneliness is a destiny and justifies his way of acting would mean enabling the self-fulfilling prophecy motif  "people will never get me, I will always remain alone, all they can do is to abandon me or to disappoint me if they stay". At least I would like to represent the voice of those weaker ones in the narrative while producing my comment.

I would be very grateful for every remark or suggestion based on your experience with 'true life' BPD persons of how to make a constructive comment to 'fictional' BPD behaviours. Thank you in advance!

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[patientandclear]

There is so much more insight in your formulation of the question than I think most of us will be able to offer in any answer ... .

What a poignant presentation of how it feels to be in the head/heart of a person wBPD.

How do you think it would work if, after validation of the disappointment, the person responded suggested that the disappointing people might have more to offer if given a safe period of time in which to learn and understand the pwBPD's reactions, without being excluded/rejected?  Because exclusion/rejection triggers a response in those others that is the opposite of being able to open their minds and ears and really hear and understand what is going on?

(Just writing that made me so sad, as that is exactly the scenario that caused the fundamental break in my own r/ship with the pwBPD whom I love.)

[an0ught]

Hi 2037,

In my opinion there should be at least subtle critique of such an attitude in a review of this piece. As I think that - not sure if you'd agree - respect to the fact how lonely he was while losing his someone is obviously necessary to be expressed; but, empathising to the point that this loneliness is a destiny and justifies his way of acting would mean enabling the self-fulfilling prophecy motif  "people will never get me, I will always remain alone, all they can do is to abandon me or to disappoint me if they stay". At least I would like to represent the voice of those weaker ones in the narrative while producing my comment.

self reflection is underdeveloped in pwBPD. Also they are quite sensitive and the type of writing you describe is very personal. My guess is that if criticized too harshly (and your harshness scale is likely very, very different from his) he will stop writing. We recently had someone describing how her partner started painting and really got something out of it and started healing - until someone else stepped on the developing "artist" with some unkind words.

What you can validate:

- it is important to him

- it is very personal

- you appreciate him sharing such personal stuff

- it is a different perspective from yours

- he put a lot of effort into it

- take it serious, after all he takes it serious

... .

Writing is very, very valuable dealing with depression and other mental problems. It is less what he writes but the process of him organizing his mind. And yes, his mind works differently, very differently from yours. This is true for all of us. He is baring his soul and trusting you. Treat carefully.