A new set of questions

[problemsolver]

  Again I have a few questions. . I generally like to see thing's from a different perspective. .

1) After reading all these articles and posts about how hard a BPD relationship can be why do so many of us here hope for contact? Knowing damn well you wouldn't want to marry someone who is manipulative. . Or someone who can't control their lying (not saying all BPD are like that) but could you really live with the bad? Even if you go up to staying there is a lot of people saying well if we didn't have kids perhaps I'd be gone... so why do so many of us wish we could get some contact?


2) When I broke up... for some reason I couldn't just take it on the chin... I NEEDED to know EVERYTHING!... why do so many of us hit that level.  Where all small details become so big... and for those who were able to just take the break up on the chin... GO NC for a year and then just heal... how were you able to do that? I don't know why but I wish I could of just bowed out gracefully but I had to solve the "mystery" (closure) and I did... but at the cost of looking like I've lost my mind. Had I just let her go and come I'd be alright. . But i just couldn't detach properly for some reason.

3) did your ex or current use alot of persuasive language to reel you in? Ex; you're the one for me... I get butterfly's around you, I've always wanted to meet someone like you. ... creepy sayings but at the same time very flattering? As if you're the special one for them.

4) Did you feel your partner was obsessed with you in an unhealthy way? Ex... via social media or something like that...

5) Do you feel that you are narcissistic?

6) How do you care about a BPD? How exactly do you show them you care?

Thoughts?

[klacey3]

Hi problemsolver, I will attempt to answer your questions from my perspective.

1. I think its a for a few reasons. I think part of it is because we are worried about as they are so unstable. Part of it is because we care about them still so still desire some contact. Its going to be especially hard not to hear from them if we haven't moved on yet. I think part of it is that it validates us to be contacted by them. Alot of us nons get self worth for needing to be needed and when they contact us it makesbus feel needed which makes us feel better.

2. I struggle with this one too. I think its because healthy people naturally like to understand and work out confusing information to make sense of things. People with BPD are extremely confusing, one minute hating you and the next they act like everything is fine and they love you and nothing else happened. Aswell as that most people with BPD are very abusive and it takes people alot of time to get over abuse. We blame ourselves and get more insecure and to get over that we need to understand that it wasnt our fault. This requires reflection on the relationship and their behaviour.

I don't feel like I can detach until I have worked out why he did and said the things he did so I know how you feel.

3. Yes my suspected BPD ex said several times I was the one and he will never get in another relationship.

4. In the relationship he didnt seem bothered unless he was in a particularly good mood or to try and win me back. He has sent over 20 emails over the past 6 weeks and I havent responded to any of them. That seems unhealthy to me.

5. No I dont feel I am narcissistic. Not sure why you are asking this?

6. As far as I know no matter what you do for a person with BPD it will never be good enough. They be either be happy or unhappy and it has nothing to do with you do or say. You can try and meet their every demand to show you care but their disorder will take over eventually.

[problemsolver]

Hi problemsolver, I will attempt to answer your questions from my perspective.


5. No I dont feel I am narcissistic. Not sure why you are asking this?

Ive just read that some ppl with narcissistic traits ot codependent traits usually connect with BPDs

[klacey3]

Hi problemsolver, I will attempt to answer your questions from my perspective.


5. No I dont feel I am narcissistic. Not sure why you are asking this?

Ive just read that some ppl with narcissistic traits ot codependent traits usually connect with BPDs

I see. I think I am co dependant but not narcissistic. Do you?

[FannyB]

1) I think many can't take being discarded so callously after putting so much into the relationship. They associate contact with the pwBPD actually caring.

2) I needed to know everything too. It's my way of processing things. Just the way I'm wired I guess.

3) Oh yes. Every line of flattery from the BPD phrasebook. 'We're going to be together forever' was a particular favourite!  

4) Yes, in hindsight - though at the time I lapped it up because I was probably obsessed with her too.

5) Ha - good question! I think I used to be, but those tendencies have waned considerably. I actually think BPD relationships are more damaging for a committed narcissist as those guys really believed they deserved all of that adulation!  

6) By passing their sh1t tests and keep coming back for more. Takes an awful lot of emotional energy to love one longer term.

Cheers

Fanny

[WhatJustHappened?]

 Again I have a few questions. . I generally like to see thing's from a different perspective. .

1) After reading all these articles and posts about how hard a BPD relationship can be why do so many of us here hope for contact? Knowing damn well you wouldn't want to marry someone who is manipulative. . Or someone who can't control their lying (not saying all BPD are like that) but could you really live with the bad? Even if you go up to staying there is a lot of people saying well if we didn't have kids perhaps I'd be gone... so why do so many of us wish we could get some contact?

Good question... .maybe because they are like a drug and those who have been hurt by them just want a taste of what was once special. For me personally, I would like to be at least on speaking terms as my exBPDgf was once of my first loves and we have know each other on and off for quite some time.


2) When I broke up... for some reason I couldn't just take it on the chin... I NEEDED to know EVERYTHING!... why do so many of us hit that level.  Where all small details become so big... and for those who were able to just take the break up on the chin... GO NC for a year and then just heal... how were you able to do that? I don't know why but I wish I could of just bowed out gracefully but I had to solve the "mystery" (closure) and I did... but at the cost of looking like I've lost my mind. Had I just let her go and come I'd be alright. . But i just couldn't detach properly for some reason.

3) did your ex or current use alot of persuasive language to reel you in? Ex; you're the one for me... I get butterfly's around you, I've always wanted to meet someone like you. ... creepy sayings but at the same time very flattering? As if you're the special one for them.

Yep, "we're soul mates", "we're meant to be be together"

4) Did you feel your partner was obsessed with you in an unhealthy way? Ex... via social media or something like that...

Yep, she sent me explicit audio recordings and pictures very early on.

5) Do you feel that you are narcissistic?

Nope... .maybe a little co-dependent though.



6) How do you care about a BPD? How exactly do you show them you care?

I'm not sure you can. Their reality is so much different than NONs that IMO, nothing is ever good enough. I also feel people with BPD tend to look for ways to sabotage their happiness and relationships

Thoughts?

[hopealways]

Hi problemsolver, I will attempt to answer your questions from my perspective.

1. I think its a for a few reasons. I think part of it is because we are worried about as they are so unstable. Part of it is because we care about them still so still desire some contact. Its going to be especially hard not to hear from them if we haven't moved on yet. I think part of it is that it validates us to be contacted by them. Alot of us nons get self worth for needing to be needed and when they contact us it makesbus feel needed which makes us feel better.

2. I struggle with this one too. I think its because healthy people naturally like to understand and work out confusing information to make sense of things. People with BPD are extremely confusing, one minute hating you and the next they act like everything is fine and they love you and nothing else happened. Aswell as that most people with BPD are very abusive and it takes people alot of time to get over abuse. We blame ourselves and get more insecure and to get over that we need to understand that it wasnt our fault. This requires reflection on the relationship and their behaviour.

I don't feel like I can detach until I have worked out why he did and said the things he did so I know how you feel.

3. Yes my suspected BPD ex said several times I was the one and he will never get in another relationship.

4. In the relationship he didnt seem bothered unless he was in a particularly good mood or to try and win me back. He has sent over 20 emails over the past 6 weeks and I havent responded to any of them. That seems unhealthy to me.

5. No I dont feel I am narcissistic. Not sure why you are asking this?

6. As far as I know no matter what you do for a person with BPD it will never be good enough. They be either be happy or unhappy and it has nothing to do with you do or say. You can try and meet their every demand to show you care but their disorder will take over eventually.

IN BOLD: 100% agreed!

[SummerStorm]

1) I like hearing from her.  Also, I don't like being disliked, especially by someone who, just a few months ago, was asking me about what our life would be like if we got married.  There's definitely the lack of closure aspect as well.  The first time I was painted black, she just said she didn't want me in her life anymore.  A month later, she sent me a card, and a few weeks after that, she texted me.  We were LC for a month after that, until she said she didn't want to be friends with me and then just stopped replying to me.  Her reasoning for this is that I'm "crazy."  This was one day after she told me she was moving and told me where she was moving to.  


2) I am lucky because I had my former friend BPD's ex-boyfriend's cell number and contacted him the day after she painted me black for the second time.  A month later, I am still finding out new information about her.  I felt like I was never getting the real story from her when we were friends, so it helps me to be able to work through all the lies.

3) Yes, big time.  She also did the same with her ex-boyfriend.  She once told me that I was the person she'd been waiting for her whole life for.  She told me I was perfect.  

4) Yes, but I was also obsessed with her.  When we weren't together, she would text me all the time.  Then, she joined Twitter, just so she could read my tweets.  I got so used to having her text me that I would obsessively check my phone.  90% of the time, there was a text from her.  At work, she would e-mail me several times a day (we worked together).  When that wasn't enough, she started texting me at work.  Then, she started calling my classroom.  Eventually, that all stopped.  For me, that was the hardest thing to understand and deal with.  How could someone who sent me dozens of texts a day ignore my texts and call me clingy?  Even when we were on okay terms for that month, she would usually take hours to reply and then would just leave the conversation.  When we were friends, she would text me when I got up in the morning and would text me to tell me she was going to bed.  

5) No.  Actually, I have incredibly low self-esteem.  I definitely co-dependent though.

6) I wish I knew.  I either didn't care enough or cared too much, according to her.  I was either abandoning her or engulfing her.  There was no middle ground.

[once removed]

good questions problemsolver  

1) i did hope for contact for some time. i felt powerfully rejected and discarded and abandoned, and it was difficult to imagine never speaking to her again. on a more subtle level, i was not ready to detach and feel disconnected, so i anticipated and waited on her contact. i suppose i also thought it would bring me validation and "proof" that she is BPD.

2) you might find this very useful. 2010 describes the "understanding driven" non. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=161524.0  

personally i also just love psychology. years later i still like to learn about BPD and personality disorders. to put it mildly, our psyches go through quite a bit during the relationship, and obviously in its aftermath. my relationship was nearly three years, and i remember feeling as if i never had a single opportunity to sit with myself and process where things were, where things were going, even what it was like to miss her. i feel like my psyche had a lot of catching up to do, and it had to make sense of everything, decide on a narrative that was satisfying. there are answers to be found in all of this.

3) the buzzword for this is "love bombing" and most of us experienced it. in my relationship it was on both sides.

4) i felt she was overly dependent on me. it came up a fair amount, she agreed. sadly, on the other side of the coin, i was dependent on her just existing as someone i didnt believe could leave me. pertinent to your question, there was way too much monitoring of my social media.

5) "narcissistic" is a term that gets thrown around a lot. it is not an inherently bad word. we all have degrees of narcissism. like any trait, it can be taken to an extreme, at which point it is a problem.

6) this is not an easily answered, if at all answerable question. how do you show anyone you care? what does it mean to you to "show someone you care"? a person accepts your care or they dont. if they dont, its not showing someone you care, its controlling, its managing them. a pwBPD has an extremely difficult time fully accepting the "care" of someone else and it is not felt on a sustained level.

wanted to reword something: if a person accepts your care, it can still be controlling and managing.