I might need therapy again. Just ended another BPD relationship. :-/

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

(Part 2 follows this as a comment.)

Hi, folks! I'm sorry this is a long post, but I'm at a loss. I think I need to go back to therapy for co-dependency issues that I thought had been overcome ten years ago.  And if you guys can confirm my suspicions here, then I think that might be the best thing for me to do.  I just got out of a super intense, four-month relationship with someone who loved me loved me loved me ... .until they decided one day to stop loving me.  His behaviors, the things he's done and said, they all remind me of the person who sent me to therapy the first time (after trying to KILL ME, literally!).  That person had actual, diagnosed BPD, and I think the current ex also has BPD ... .and I, having a history of codependency, fell for it again.  Please read and share your thoughts?  I would really appreciate it.

Highlights from his family/childhood/adolescence:

- Diagnosed with and medicated for ADHD at age 7.

- Victim of rape at age 6 at the hands of a family friend.

- Mother had a string of abusive/neglectful boyfriends.

- Mother raised by a violent and abusive mother, and also lost her father at a young age.

- Mother has a history of "raging" and becoming very angry very quickly, but has since mellowed out in her 50's.

- Mother has been with current partner for 8 years, but the current partner was abandoned by his wife of 30 years, who was abusive to the children and him and, from his descriptions, a raging narcissist.  He attracts such women?

- Bedwetter until age 10 (indicates abuse).

- All close relatives are or have been addicts and have deep emotional disturbances.

- Engaged in fights at all levels of schooling.

- Sister has a history of unstable romantic relationships and eating disorders.

- Father was jailed and allowed no contact with him from age 5 onward.

- Arrested and charged with sexual assault at age 17 and put on probation.

- According to his mother and siblings, a very permissive childhood where he was allowed to get away with murder, but was generally neglected.  No father, and a mother who was busy working/dating and had the oldest sibling taking care of the others.

Highlights from young adulthood (18-24):

- Fear of abandonment, particularly by family and potential romantic partners.

- Inability to bond with anyone romantically.

- Has no close friends, only "party" friends who don't expect any sort of reciprocation from him.

- Romantic relationships rarely last longer than 1-2 months, with him being dumped.

- Serial cheater.

- Diagnosed with sex addiction/porn addiction, body dysmorphia, and substance abuse.

- History of shoplifting (but never caught), and was not trusted to use cash registers when he was working in retail.

- Failure to remain in consistent therapy programs.

- Attempted suicide at age 24 and was hospitalized for 30 days.

- Engaged in rape by taking advantage of intoxicated heterosexual men when they were drunk, and insists that they enjoyed it (based on their body language), despite their major regrets once they realized what happened.

- Most of his 100+ sexual partners random and without protection.

- Attempted to seduce his 17-year old cousin and his own stepbrother.

- Successfully seduced his heterosexual high school best friend at age 22, presumably while the young man in question was intoxicated, and the young man has since refused to speak to him (there's got to be a lot more to that story than he's told me).

- Obsessive/addictive video gamer.

- Sought out sex in public restrooms.

- Deals with anger/disappointment by raging, either in order to get what he wants or in order to show the other person his dominance.  

- Still lives under his mother's wing at age 25.  :)oes not know how to drive, pay bills, get his own apartment, cook, etc., and has never held a job longer than six months (usually it's always someone else who has the problem and he has to quit).

- Envies his friends/acquaintances who have become successful in their chosen fields, and has unrealistic expectations of his entitlement to those same kinds of successes.  Often cries when talking about these things, but has no idea how to make a plan and implement it (or is unwilling to) -- relies instead on inspirational texts that say that if you imagine it, and believe it, it will happen.

- Attempts to seduce and attract significantly older men (more than twice his age) by saying things to them like "I like to talk to older men, because sometimes, they can teach me new things."  He's inappropriately seductive with them and, I think, targets them because they're easier targets than those who he truly desires sexually ("straight young jock" types).

- Regularly hyperfocuses on men (customers) at work and often follows them downstairs to the restrooms in voyeuristic attempts, but doesn't acknowledge that this behavior is criminal.

- Often obsesses, either through porn or hyperfocus/objectification of others, that his body is not as good as others.  He desperately covets the same qualities he sees others having, such as chiseled good looks, heteronormative affect, etc.  This will typically ruin the rest of his day and he will cry and seek consolation that he is attractive, sex, etc.

- Tends to want only people he absolutely can't have, usually the "straight-acting jock" types who are put off by his immaturity and neediness.

- Keeps former flings on Facebook and engages in inappropriate conversations with most of them.  Most of these men closely resemble his former friend/obsession who rejected him (as do I in many ways).

- Stated that he spent several years crying himself to sleep every night over the young man who rejected him after they engaged in sex together.

- Has made contact with the above young man's relatives and others to fish for information about what he's up to, whether he might consider talking, etc.

- INSISTS that EVERY guy he is interested in is bisexual, and has been told by therapists to stop projecting his desires onto others like that.  I once found a piece of paper in his room that had a question written on it:  ":)oes becoming very muscular cause men to become slightly homoerotic?"

- All the men he has had an interest in have either had physically desirable qualities of a specific type (ginger, well-built, masculine) or they had social status of some sort to offer.

- Although he claimed to hate his body, he would often flaunt it any chance he got, including having professional photos taken to post on the ModelMayhem website.  He was disappointed that he did not get any modeling jobs.  To wit, his body is exceptionally average -- skinny and very hairy -- and his hair is quickly thinning.

- Once punched out a co-worker who used the word "f*ggot", rather than reporting the issue to management.  He was fired.

- Frequent verbal rages on Facebook over perceived slights.

- Highly impulsive, sexually and financially, and unable to manage money.

- Drove his mother deeply into debt to pursue a degree at a diploma mill and when she was hesitant to co-sign, he raged "You don't believe in me!" until she relented.  He also has taken substantial amounts of money from her to do things he wanted to do, even though they weren't necessary.

- History of substance abuse and also selling/facilitating sale of controlled substances via Facebook.

(See first comment for Part 2)

[Creativum]

(Part 2 follows this as a comment.)

Hi, folks! I'm sorry this is a long post, but I'm at a loss. I think I need to go back to therapy for co-dependency issues that I thought had been overcome ten years ago.  And if you guys can confirm my suspicions here, then I think that might be the best thing for me to do.  I just got out of a super intense, four-month relationship with someone who loved me loved me loved me ... .until they decided one day to stop loving me.  His behaviors, the things he's done and said, they all remind me of the person who sent me to therapy the first time (after trying to KILL ME, literally!).  That person had actual, diagnosed BPD, and I think the current ex also has BPD ... .and I, having a history of codependency, fell for it again.  Please read and share your thoughts?  I would really appreciate it.

Highlights from his family/childhood/adolescence:

- Diagnosed with and medicated for ADHD at age 7.

- Victim of rape at age 6 at the hands of a family friend.

- Mother had a string of abusive/neglectful boyfriends.

- Mother raised by a violent and abusive mother, and also lost her father at a young age.

- Mother has a history of "raging" and becoming very angry very quickly, but has since mellowed out in her 50's.

- Mother has been with current partner for 8 years, but the current partner was abandoned by his wife of 30 years, who was abusive to the children and him and, from his descriptions, a raging narcissist.  He attracts such women?

- Bedwetter until age 10 (indicates abuse).

- All close relatives are or have been addicts and have deep emotional disturbances.

- Engaged in fights at all levels of schooling.

- Sister has a history of unstable romantic relationships and eating disorders.

- Father was jailed and allowed no contact with him from age 5 onward.

- Arrested and charged with sexual assault at age 17 and put on probation.

- According to his mother and siblings, a very permissive childhood where he was allowed to get away with murder, but was generally neglected.  No father, and a mother who was busy working/dating and had the oldest sibling taking care of the others.

Highlights from young adulthood (18-24):

- Fear of abandonment, particularly by family and potential romantic partners.

- Inability to bond with anyone romantically.

- Has no close friends, only "party" friends who don't expect any sort of reciprocation from him.

- Romantic relationships rarely last longer than 1-2 months, with him being dumped.

- Serial cheater.

- Diagnosed with sex addiction/porn addiction, body dysmorphia, and substance abuse.

- History of shoplifting (but never caught), and was not trusted to use cash registers when he was working in retail.

- Failure to remain in consistent therapy programs.

- Attempted suicide at age 24 and was hospitalized for 30 days.

- Engaged in rape by taking advantage of intoxicated heterosexual men when they were drunk, and insists that they enjoyed it (based on their body language), despite their major regrets once they realized what happened.

- Most of his 100+ sexual partners random and without protection.

- Attempted to seduce his 17-year old cousin and his own stepbrother.

- Successfully seduced his heterosexual high school best friend at age 22, presumably while the young man in question was intoxicated, and the young man has since refused to speak to him (there's got to be a lot more to that story than he's told me).

- Obsessive/addictive video gamer.

- Sought out sex in public restrooms.

- Deals with anger/disappointment by raging, either in order to get what he wants or in order to show the other person his dominance.  

- Still lives under his mother's wing at age 25.  :)oes not know how to drive, pay bills, get his own apartment, cook, etc., and has never held a job longer than six months (usually it's always someone else who has the problem and he has to quit).

- Envies his friends/acquaintances who have become successful in their chosen fields, and has unrealistic expectations of his entitlement to those same kinds of successes.  Often cries when talking about these things, but has no idea how to make a plan and implement it (or is unwilling to) -- relies instead on inspirational texts that say that if you imagine it, and believe it, it will happen.

- Attempts to seduce and attract significantly older men (more than twice his age) by saying things to them like "I like to talk to older men, because sometimes, they can teach me new things."  He's inappropriately seductive with them and, I think, targets them because they're easier targets than those who he truly desires sexually ("straight young jock" types).

- Regularly hyperfocuses on men (customers) at work and often follows them downstairs to the restrooms in voyeuristic attempts, but doesn't acknowledge that this behavior is criminal.

- Often obsesses, either through porn or hyperfocus/objectification of others, that his body is not as good as others.  He desperately covets the same qualities he sees others having, such as chiseled good looks, heteronormative affect, etc.  This will typically ruin the rest of his day and he will cry and seek consolation that he is attractive, sex, etc.

- Tends to want only people he absolutely can't have, usually the "straight-acting jock" types who are put off by his immaturity and neediness.

- Keeps former flings on Facebook and engages in inappropriate conversations with most of them.  Most of these men closely resemble his former friend/obsession who rejected him (as do I in many ways).

- Stated that he spent several years crying himself to sleep every night over the young man who rejected him after they engaged in sex together.

- Has made contact with the above young man's relatives and others to fish for information about what he's up to, whether he might consider talking, etc.

- INSISTS that EVERY guy he is interested in is bisexual, and has been told by therapists to stop projecting his desires onto others like that.  I once found a piece of paper in his room that had a question written on it:  ":)oes becoming very muscular cause men to become slightly homoerotic?"

- All the men he has had an interest in have either had physically desirable qualities of a specific type (ginger, well-built, masculine) or they had social status of some sort to offer.

- Although he claimed to hate his body, he would often flaunt it any chance he got, including having professional photos taken to post on the ModelMayhem website.  He was disappointed that he did not get any modeling jobs.  To wit, his body is exceptionally average -- skinny and very hairy -- and his hair is quickly thinning.

- Once punched out a co-worker who used the word "f*ggot", rather than reporting the issue to management.  He was fired.

- Frequent verbal rages on Facebook over perceived slights.

- Highly impulsive, sexually and financially, and unable to manage money.

- Drove his mother deeply into debt to pursue a degree at a diploma mill and when she was hesitant to co-sign, he raged "You don't believe in me!" until she relented.  He also has taken substantial amounts of money from her to do things he wanted to do, even though they weren't necessary.

- History of substance abuse and also selling/facilitating sale of controlled substances via Facebook.

(See first comment for Part 2)

[Creativum]

HIGHLIGHTS FROM THE RELATIONSHIP:

- Lasted four months.

- Ended as quickly as it began, which was overnight, and VERY passionate.  He ended it with me and I was devastated.

- We spent virtually EVERY day together for the duration of the relationship, and had made plans to get an apartment together.

- He opened up immediately to me and told me all of his deepest, darkest secrets, but even then, I realized over time that some things did not add up.

- Always told me he feared that someone better, with better looks and more money, would take me away from him.  If I mentioned someone from my past, he would immediately ask what they looked like and what they did for a living.

- I always had a feeling that he was not being himself; he was far too enthusiastic and trusting, and overshared a lot of things about himself that I would not have shared with someone without a LOT of knowledge about them.

- Told me early on that he was afraid of abandonment and that he was unsure of when he would do something to mess up the relationship.  I assured him it would be alright.

- He was seeing someone else when I met him and left that person overnight to be with me. He said to me that he wasn't sure he should end it with the other guy because what if it doesn't work out with me.  Huh?  In his diary, he stated on the day before he met me, "I have a boyfriend and we love each other... ." but told me that he had NEVER loved anyone else besides me, and that he had NEVER told anyone he loved them before.  (I accidentally saw that passage when he was going through a chest of his belongings, I never snooped.)

- Cheated on me with someone in the restrooms at his job, which I forgave.

- Confessed to repeatedly following other men down to the restrooms to try to get a look at their genetalia and/or to try to engage in mutual masturbation with them.

- Confessed to obsessing over and objectifying customers and staff where he works and then masturbating in the restrooms downstairs.

- Would obsess over people at his job, find out their name, and look them up on Facebook.

- Always has to be the center of attention wherever he is.

- Is inauthentic, i.e., uses words/phrases/jokes he has heard from other people and emulates these to others in attempts to "woo" them over.

- Any time there was a fight or argument, he would push me away until he realized I was getting upset/frustrated, and then he would say self-deprecating things and I would console him while he cried.

- Reacted explosively to me on a number of occasions after the first month and a half we were together.  On three occasions, he became physically aggressive.  On the night we broke up (he ended it), he flew into a rage over my cigarette (outside, away from him) and came flying at me, knocking the cigarette out of my hand and making contact with my face, knocking my glasses off.  When I threatened to call the police he behaved like a toddler, wouldn't let me off the porch, and kept crying "Noo!  Please don't! Noo!"

- Just when I thought a behavior had been discussed and sorted (particularly masturbating at work and pursuing other people for emotional affairs), he would do something and then tell me about it and it would turn into a big circular argument. He would make excuse after excuse after excuse to normalize it like a child -- "Everyone does it!"  This in spite of the fact I knew he had ADHD and sex/porn addiction and that his behaviors are excessively beyond those of neurotypical people.  (I'm a teacher and a former college educator, so I'm used to dealing with ADHD in youths and young adults.)

- One night he had been drinking and was particularly attentive, just a few days before the break-up, and he was telling me how amazing I am and how much he loved me.  Then immediately walked away and started playing video games (he clocks about 20-30 hours/week playing games).

- Always yelled at me, got upset, or became distant over some sort of "negative energy" I was putting out.  If I had a bad day, I never took it out on him, but he took it personally that I wasn't 100% bubbly 100% of the time.  Instead of asking what's wrong and consoling me (which I always did for him), he would say things like "Well, looks like you brought me down again!"

- When he would do something or say something that brought me enormous hurt, he would require me to TELL him how to respond to it, and then he would resent it.  Such as when he cheated, I was expected to console HIM, and not the other way around.

- He was not on speaking terms with anyone in his family other than his mother after he molested his 17-year old cousin, as his brother stated that he did not want my partner around his daughter.  But it wasn't guilt that he felt.  He felt enormous shame.  He never apologized to anyone in a sincere way, nor did he try to make amends.  He simply dragged his brothers and family through the mud. This went on until I encouraged him to speak to them and sort things out, at which point everyone became happy and harmonious again... .for now?

- On the night we broke up, he asked me, after the argument, why I loved him, and I told him.  He broke down in tears telling me how he thought about suicide all the time but was afraid to do it.  He also wept that he was terrified of becoming older.  After he was finished crying, he asked me what I thought about allowing others into the bedroom with us ... .What?  At this point he told me about someone he had met at work (who is neither gay nor available) whom he has begun to desire because the person reminds him of his former straight friend/obsession who rejected him.

- One night he showed me a video of his former straight friend/obsession (he keeps a lot of mementos of this person around), not realizing -- or knowing but not caring -- that it hurt me badly to be compared constantly to that person.

- He keeps things that I gave him around his room, such as a stuffed animal and various love notes, but yet he says he isn't in love with me and wants absolutely no romantic connection to me.  Just like he keeps his former lovers/affairs as Facebook friends?  Just like he keeps mementos of his obsession around?

- He still texts me every day to see how I'm doing, etc.  Nothing negative or aggressive or violent.  Just "charming" I guess?

- His excuses for breaking up are that:  I don't like swimming, I don't like video games, I never want to do anything "fun" (yes, I do, but I can't afford all the things he wants), I smoke, and "What do I have in common with a teacher?  I want someone like a carpenter or an artist.  I'm into guys like [Obsession's name here]."  Well, what do I have in common with a rocket scientist?  Doesn't mean I wouldn't date one.  And the obsession?  He's a US Marine (my ex also has a military porn fetish), not a carpenter or artist, and he is a smoker like me, except with a huge temper and is abusive to animals.  I'd rather NOT be like him.

- There were many lies, some big some small, in response to direct, matter-of-fact questions. He insists that he forgets things and can't keep them straight.  I excused that as a result of his ADHD, but now I'm not so sure.

Anyway, at first, I thought, oh, it's just his ADHD and he's not managing it.  He absolutely DOES have ADHD.  But when I had to go to the hospital after being triggered (his physical aggression scared me that bad), I realized that this person might be just like the ex who stabbed me four times with a steak knife after two years of abuse.  I don't want to go down that road again!  I plan on following up with a therapist, so don't worry, but I want to ask those of you who know BPD and either live with it or have it, what you think, so that I can make those visits to the therapist as productive as possible.  But I HAVE resolved to NEVER speak to this person again!  So don't worry.

Cheers!

[OnceConfused]

It looks like you have documented well. and the list of the negatives is as long as the history of europe.

Let's get back to you. Rumi, a persion philosopher, from the 14th century said this beautiful phrase and I would like for you to see how it applies to you:

"WOUND IS THE CRACK OF YOUR SOUL WHERE THE LIGHT SHINES IN".

You can go to therapy until the earth stops spinning , but until you actually do things to change, the same things will happen again.

1. Go through your list here and right down what you would do differently and why? this will help clarify your mind and avoid the recurrence of your codependency.

2. Ask yourself why you did accept and/or ignore so many of the red flags?

  . Left the other person to be with you ... .Infidelity red flags

  . Cheated with other in the restroom while he already was with you. Why did you forgive that?

  . Stalking people/stranger on facebook . WOW

  . He molested his cousin ?

  . ... .

I learned so much after a brief 6 months with the xBPDgf, like Rumi suggested, I looked my wound not as a mistake but really as a way that I can learn more about myself. Consequently, I have become a much better person, a better husband . I understand others' mental illness and be sympathetic with them, but I DON"T LET THEM ENTER MY WORLD and TAKE ME DOWN WITH THEM. I don't fight with them, but simply GO ON MY OWN WAY.