(Part 2 follows this as a comment.)
Hi, folks! I'm sorry this is a long post, but I'm at a loss. I think I need to go back to therapy for co-dependency issues that I thought had been overcome ten years ago. And if you guys can confirm my suspicions here, then I think that might be the best thing for me to do. I just got out of a super intense, four-month relationship with someone who loved me loved me loved me ... .until they decided one day to stop loving me. His behaviors, the things he's done and said, they all remind me of the person who sent me to therapy the first time (after trying to KILL ME, literally!). That person had actual, diagnosed BPD, and I think the current ex also has BPD ... .and I, having a history of codependency, fell for it again. Please read and share your thoughts? I would really appreciate it.
Highlights from his family/childhood/adolescence:
- Diagnosed with and medicated for ADHD at age 7.
- Victim of rape at age 6 at the hands of a family friend.
- Mother had a string of abusive/neglectful boyfriends.
- Mother raised by a violent and abusive mother, and also lost her father at a young age.
- Mother has a history of "raging" and becoming very angry very quickly, but has since mellowed out in her 50's.
- Mother has been with current partner for 8 years, but the current partner was abandoned by his wife of 30 years, who was abusive to the children and him and, from his descriptions, a raging narcissist. He attracts such women?
- Bedwetter until age 10 (indicates abuse).
- All close relatives are or have been addicts and have deep emotional disturbances.
- Engaged in fights at all levels of schooling.
- Sister has a history of unstable romantic relationships and eating disorders.
- Father was jailed and allowed no contact with him from age 5 onward.
- Arrested and charged with sexual assault at age 17 and put on probation.
- According to his mother and siblings, a very permissive childhood where he was allowed to get away with murder, but was generally neglected. No father, and a mother who was busy working/dating and had the oldest sibling taking care of the others.
Highlights from young adulthood (18-24):
- Fear of abandonment, particularly by family and potential romantic partners.
- Inability to bond with anyone romantically.
- Has no close friends, only "party" friends who don't expect any sort of reciprocation from him.
- Romantic relationships rarely last longer than 1-2 months, with him being dumped.
- Serial cheater.
- Diagnosed with sex addiction/porn addiction, body dysmorphia, and substance abuse.
- History of shoplifting (but never caught), and was not trusted to use cash registers when he was working in retail.
- Failure to remain in consistent therapy programs.
- Attempted suicide at age 24 and was hospitalized for 30 days.
- Engaged in rape by taking advantage of intoxicated heterosexual men when they were drunk, and insists that they enjoyed it (based on their body language), despite their major regrets once they realized what happened.
- Most of his 100+ sexual partners random and without protection.
- Attempted to seduce his 17-year old cousin and his own stepbrother.
- Successfully seduced his heterosexual high school best friend at age 22, presumably while the young man in question was intoxicated, and the young man has since refused to speak to him (there's got to be a lot more to that story than he's told me).
- Obsessive/addictive video gamer.
- Sought out sex in public restrooms.
- Deals with anger/disappointment by raging, either in order to get what he wants or in order to show the other person his dominance.
- Still lives under his mother's wing at age 25. :)oes not know how to drive, pay bills, get his own apartment, cook, etc., and has never held a job longer than six months (usually it's always someone else who has the problem and he has to quit).
- Envies his friends/acquaintances who have become successful in their chosen fields, and has unrealistic expectations of his entitlement to those same kinds of successes. Often cries when talking about these things, but has no idea how to make a plan and implement it (or is unwilling to) -- relies instead on inspirational texts that say that if you imagine it, and believe it, it will happen.
- Attempts to seduce and attract significantly older men (more than twice his age) by saying things to them like "I like to talk to older men, because sometimes, they can teach me new things." He's inappropriately seductive with them and, I think, targets them because they're easier targets than those who he truly desires sexually ("straight young jock" types).
- Regularly hyperfocuses on men (customers) at work and often follows them downstairs to the restrooms in voyeuristic attempts, but doesn't acknowledge that this behavior is criminal.
- Often obsesses, either through porn or hyperfocus/objectification of others, that his body is not as good as others. He desperately covets the same qualities he sees others having, such as chiseled good looks, heteronormative affect, etc. This will typically ruin the rest of his day and he will cry and seek consolation that he is attractive, sex, etc.
- Tends to want only people he absolutely can't have, usually the "straight-acting jock" types who are put off by his immaturity and neediness.
- Keeps former flings on Facebook and engages in inappropriate conversations with most of them. Most of these men closely resemble his former friend/obsession who rejected him (as do I in many ways).
- Stated that he spent several years crying himself to sleep every night over the young man who rejected him after they engaged in sex together.
- Has made contact with the above young man's relatives and others to fish for information about what he's up to, whether he might consider talking, etc.
- INSISTS that EVERY guy he is interested in is bisexual, and has been told by therapists to stop projecting his desires onto others like that. I once found a piece of paper in his room that had a question written on it: ":)oes becoming very muscular cause men to become slightly homoerotic?"
- All the men he has had an interest in have either had physically desirable qualities of a specific type (ginger, well-built, masculine) or they had social status of some sort to offer.
- Although he claimed to hate his body, he would often flaunt it any chance he got, including having professional photos taken to post on the ModelMayhem website. He was disappointed that he did not get any modeling jobs. To wit, his body is exceptionally average -- skinny and very hairy -- and his hair is quickly thinning.
- Once punched out a co-worker who used the word "f*ggot", rather than reporting the issue to management. He was fired.
- Frequent verbal rages on Facebook over perceived slights.
- Highly impulsive, sexually and financially, and unable to manage money.
- Drove his mother deeply into debt to pursue a degree at a diploma mill and when she was hesitant to co-sign, he raged "You don't believe in me!" until she relented. He also has taken substantial amounts of money from her to do things he wanted to do, even though they weren't necessary.
- History of substance abuse and also selling/facilitating sale of controlled substances via Facebook.
(See first comment for Part 2)
