maintaining a relationship with a wealthy BPD mother

[Jacki]

I'm trying to maintain a relationship with a BPD "Queen" (she's Chinese and even gave herself a princess's name, "Margaret".  She has inherited two very large fortunes, one will was hand-written by her at my grandmother's death bed, and, surprise, the entire fortune was left to her.  Now she's 79 and has been isolated and manipulated by her assistant (his actions constitute elder abuse).  I used to visit her every 2-3 weeks (3 hr. drive) to make sure she's alright.  She, through her assistant, make it very hard to enter the estate: even when she deigns to give me the gate code, her assistant changes it every week.  For the last 2-3 years, she has started her autobiography with a "ghost writer," someone with no special editorial or English skills. 

I haven't visited her for the last 6 months since I had my second cancer diagnosis, surgery, chemo (ten years ago I had breast cancer and I just had a radical hysterectomy).  She showed no interest in communicating or seeing me as I had documented the abuses her assistant had committed--she is standing by him no matter what (the assistant lives on her property but he is also elderly and just had open-heart surgery).

This has happened before and I cut off communication for several years with her but now she is physically quite frail--bad osteoporosis and severe osteoarthritis.  When I was a child, she did a lot of journal writing which reinforced her version of events, the main repeated problem (according to her journal--which my brother found and shared) was that I was born and that cooking, cleaning, and caring for children constituted slavery.  A therapist she visited briefly was so alarmed by my mother she saw me privately and warned me to distance myself from her.  My mother abandoned the family shortly afterwards when I was 15.  My father won full custody as not only had she abandoned us, she had told the divorce court judge we didn't need an education.

In my current situation, I've been lured back into her life when she bought a property in my area and said it was for my current and future use (it is in her Trust and I believe I am not receiving anything in her will or trust when she dies).  While writing her autobiography, she is telling her employees and lawyers that her children abandoned her.  She gets a lot of sympathy over this story and understanding for why she doesn't share her wealth with children or grandchildren.  She sometimes introduces me as "not her daughter" because she didn't raise me.

I am trying to keep my distance while protecting myself legally as my mother has figured out that she can attack me through her attorney (recently and over the years, I have gotten very aggressive and nasty letters from her attorneys).  My new attorney is trying to negotiate a resetting of my relationship with my mother's attorney (who is a friend of his).  The the real abuse is coming from the assistant (complete isolation through manipulation as well as many violations of the county codes on the ranch).

As a person living with cancer, I feel that every year counts as there may not be many more.  I am an artist who has won major national fellowships, had reviews in major art publications, shows at a respected gallery, and does adjunct teaching when available.

I am waiting to see if I can create a workable relationship with her attorney--I am told he is a good and reasonable person.  If her attorney refuses to see that the real danger to my mother is coming from the assistant, I have to ask myself, is it time to completely cut her off again? 

[Kwamina]

Hi Jacki

Thanks for sharing your story with us.

I am very sorry that you've been dealing with these major health problems. That isn't easy at all. I hope the treatment you've been getting is effective.

The fact that you've on top of this also have to deal with a BPD mother makes the whole situation even more challenging.

A therapist she visited briefly was so alarmed by my mother she saw me privately and warned me to distance myself from her.  My mother abandoned the family shortly afterwards when I was 15.  My father won full custody as not only had she abandoned us, she had told the divorce court judge we didn't need an education.

It's very telling that the therapist found your mother's behavior so disturbing that she saw you privately. Your mother abandoned you when you were a teenager and your father got full custody. How was your relationship with your father growing up? Did he acknowledge that there was something wrong with your mother's behavior?

She sometimes introduces me as "not her daughter" because she didn't raise me.

That's quite hurtful that she does that. When she introduces you like this, does she also tell the people that the reason she didn't raise you is that she abandoned the family?

I am trying to keep my distance while protecting myself legally as my mother has figured out that she can attack me through her attorney (recently and over the years, I have gotten very aggressive and nasty letters from her attorneys).  My new attorney is trying to negotiate a resetting of my relationship with my mother's attorney (who is a friend of his).  The the real abuse is coming from the assistant (complete isolation through manipulation as well as many violations of the county codes on the ranch).

To help you deal with hostile communications coming from your mother and/or her attorneys (and possibly her assistant), you might find the following article useful:

COMMUNICATION: Responding to hostile communications

Take care and welcome to bpdfamily

[Turkish]

Regarding your tenentship,  I hope you kept those receipts on the improvements you made. As a "tenent" you're likely due reimbursement if it comes to court.

Her valet is another matter. Have you looked into legal issues here, like taking advantage of the elderly?