Hi everyone. Okay so this is a long story, im grateful for anyone who is willing to read it, yes it eventually has to do with borderline. I hope you guys can hang in there and finish reading the story. I don't really know where on the forum to post my story. I'm just completely broken and... i feel so alone and hurt i feel like I need to get this story out of me. I don't have many friends and family. I'm from The Netherlands so sorry if my english and writing is kinda off putting.
I'm a gay guy of 28 years old, I've been with my bisexual boyfriend (also 28) for 11 years. So that is since we were 17. Our relationship on itself has been fireworks from the very beginning, that turned into a very loving, deep relationship. We never argue, we have respect, there's no mindgames, we laugh, we joke, we have the same morals, we are very different, i'm very feminime, he is very much like a typical guy, you wouldn't tell he has a boyfriend at home. but still we share mutual interests. Everything was just great. We never were close to breaking up. We're always showing tons of affections, can't go long without eachother. I never in a million years thought he would ever leave me.
So here's what happened. Over the last 8 years I became really ill, I started to get eczema, i was then put on steroids, and came into this horrible cycle of what now turned out to be topic steroid addiction and the withdrawal effects of it as soon as you start lowering the dose. The medication has awful side effects. My boyfriend has been an absolute rock in my life, he has helped me so much. He is always willing to help a lending hand anyways, does not complain. We always have eachothers back and try to make eachother feel good. Now all of this seemed like the ideal life, even though i got really ill.
In 2013-2014 it got so bad, my topical steroid withdrawal (google it perhaps) that i could not even have sex anymore. I could not even walk properly, even laying down was torture. I was basically one big oozing wound all over my body.
I felt incredibly bad and often apologized to him that I'm so sorry we can't be intimate anymore, besides of feeling like a horrible freak. I must admit i started to push him away a bit, and i was afraid that even kissing would get him excited. Before we would always had a great sexlife. And being in the state that i was, plus a deep depression. it was just awful, i absolutely loved this guy and wanted nothing more than to be intimate. I'm very affectionate. So during the end of 2013, He then randomly lost his job. We then out of nowhere started to struggle financially.
Being the teamplayers we are we managed to get trough it with budgeting and he actively applied to hundreds of jobs. And there was light at the end of the tunnel. He got an even better job at a university.
Then, in January 2015 I discovered a new drug, a non steroid antibody. I could take part in a study and it has changed my life. I'm basically healed ever since i took it. Life seemed so great, we could go do stuff outside again, our sex life came back, I was all joy, he was all joy. He always said he believed things would get better, and he was the optimistic one, that said he would never leave me and that we would always stay together.
Then april 27 arrived. It was a lovely spring day, one of those days where i just woke up feeling normal. he wanted to lay in bed for some more time, for a damn long time... .just cuddling. Then we got up had breakfast in our garden, and it was just so lovely, so relaxed. life felt good again. No more suffering.
The out of nowhere, he started crying. I was like whats wrong?
He started crying more. I was absolutely shocked by this. He simply never cries. ''I'm going to ruin your life! he cried out loud'' he was crying, HYSTERICALLY at this point. I was taken back by it, and i straight up asked him. Did you cheat on me? It was the ONLY thing i could think of. ''YES!'' he screamed out crying. In that 0,5 second instant, i felt sort of relieved like, okay, i sorta understand it, because ive been so ill etc. I had my suspicions! in the months before this But then 0,5 seconds later, he yelled after that '' SHES PREGNANT''. I immediately collapsed to the floor, my hand covering my mouth. I never felt a bigger shock in my life. Also it being a girl, which has always been an insecurity of mine since he is bisexual, plus a pregnancy?
I asked him if he didn't want me anymore? ''NO I WANT YOU'' he cried. ''IVE ALWAYS WANTED YOU'' ''She was always a second choice, ive told her that since the beginning'' ''IM SO SORRY'' '' I dont want a child!'' ''im so sorry!'' crying crying crying. I was just speechless. I then asked do you prefer a girl or something? ''NO, that has nothing to do with it!'' he said. ''I want you'' '' please forgive me''. ''I love her' too'' ''I love you both'' ''I AM A MONSTER''. ''It was so hard to stop!'' What follows is days, weeks, months of him crying and depression, ugh it was hell. The him so sualy down to earth, gentle galant man he is. Always optimistic, friendly. Was now an absolute wreck. And me too. I chose to forgive him. What anyone thinks of this isn't really important anymore to me.
This girl he cheated with, she's 32 and i think she has borderline. He says that they were just friends and she invited him over to her place. And that they got along well, were ''so much alike!'' and he started to become infatuated with her. But he clearly stated that his love for me did not get any less and that he thinks this affair should be over with. And she sort of confirmed that too from the conversation ive had with her. She knew about me from the very beginning, was a colleague from his old job, annoyingly enough I was the one that, told him he could perhaps make a facebook and get in touch with old colleagues and make some new friends, since he felt a bit lonely. He cheated for 1,5 years! Every saturday in the weekend, after his workout. And then after her he would go visit his parents. So I never knew. I did sometimes think, hmm is he really at his parents. But i was so ill, and... maybe I didn't want to see it. But when he was doing it with her I was often sleeping during the day time. After horrible nights of itching.
This girl used birthcontrol and he trusted that (please save me the story about its his own fault, thats not why i make this topic) So her story is that she forgot to take in one pill, and now she got accidentally pregnant. From the very beginning she was firm about keeping the child, despite claiming to not even want it, and she was even hoping that the child would have malfunctions so she could abort without feeling guilty (could be an act i dont know). he did not want a child, not even if he was in a relationship with her. He did not want a child, he wanted to stay with me. And he assumed she would atleast get an abortion. Mind you he has never pressured her into it. He was scared that would cause her to rebel even more, so he was just gentle and told her he would always support her, if she decides to keep it. But at the same time he has been begging and crying at her feet, to please listen to him and that its for the better.
During all this i was terrified. I was scared to even see her, or meet her. At the day he told me about her she threatened to come visit my home, if he did not come to her in person to say its over. (Turns out she works for the government and she looked up my details!) i have social anxieties and this was just becoming too much to me. I just heard this awful news and now some strange woman was coming over? Well he did end up going to her place. And then she showed him she had cutted her legs open. After some months of her going back and forth about not wanting a child, sometimes saying she does want an abortion, letting him come visit her to discuss that but eventually not wanting the abortion after 6 hours of talking and crying. This went on for 3 months I then pursued her into calling me. I was just fed up with seeing my boyfriend suffering and yea i was angry at her. I just wanted to speak with this person, get a sense of what she is like.
From the very beginning i have told my boyfriend this child is innocent, and that i will do my best to take care of it if necessary. Afterall we're a couple of 2 guys and yea we wanted children one day. I tried to see the good, make the good out of the situation. During this whole aftermath period we grew intensively close. Although I read that is hysterical bounding, we for sure had that. But also i just got my health completely back and we really did had some great times, despite this thing going on.
Okay back to her calling me. The conversation went as followed: My boyfriend was in the room too, and... i just told myself to stay friendly and calm. Meanwhile my mouth was trembling. This woman was 32 years old. And i expected a mature adult woman I could perhaps reason with.
From the moment she was on the phone i heard her voice and thought of a girl i was in high school with. Her voice sounded of that of a 15 year old. Very soft and child like. I said well this is weird. ''it sure is she said''. She then let out a *sigh* in a sudden arrogant lower tone she said: ''Well i dont think this has use anyways, but whatevahhh''. I could just picture her eyes rolling back at that attitude she gave me. I proceeded that, I'm just very concerned about my boyfriend and that he does not want a child, but if this child indeed comes that we will all have to get along. In sake of this child, because he is the type of person that could never just ignore or not support his child. ''You will never see this child! she said angrily'' ''and then adding to that in a not amused arrogant sarcastic tone ''no
definitely not happening sorry'' I then said, how hard this all has been for me, in a normal non dramatic way. She then said in a whiney dramatic voice. ''WELL, what do you think what I go trough?'' ''there is a life growing inside of me!'' She said it both whining and with anger. Like again, a teenager that is upset with a parent or something. I told her that yes this all must be hard indeed, but that she knew about that he wanted to stay with me from the very beginning. She said she just kept hoping. I said, dont you feel bad what you did? ''No i dont care about you, she said in a dead serious tone''. She was crying 10 seconds before that. ''I dont care about you, i have nothing to do with you''. I said, we have everything to do with eachother, there is a child coming!''
She then said ''Well ive had a really hard life, its time for me to be selfish now''. I sais yeah i had a roguh life too, but i dont let bad experiences change me as a person, thats where evil and bad people from the past win. Dont you have values, i asked her? She then started this big story about her childhood. How her father was never there and he cheated on her mother, and that she was sexually abused when she was a child. And tat she now had finnally found true love with my boyfriend and how much she loves him and that i dont have any idea of all the joy they have experienced.
