Wedding

[Beacher]

So my daughters wedding is coming closer. I'm trying to focus on the joy of it but BPD husband is planting little seeds that alert me to he is searching for a way to be angry. Even though he has repeatedly said " I will do anything to make this a joyous, wonderful day for her. " ( he is her stepfather and has paid for most of the wedding, begging " please let me do this, even if it is the only way I know how to show love".) but after his last rage we have been living in separate bedrooms. At first we did not even think he was going to attend, so that as stressful enough. Now he has announce he will be wearing a different color then the rest of the men, the color is charcoal but he insisted he knows a thing or two about etiquette it's wrong, he works hard at maintaining his image, and he looks best in black. Whatever, I said that would be fine, you will look great. Anything to keep him calm. I wrote a speech and today he said " my name needs to be included in that speech". I made sure to mention his name and write " we" throughout. I am taking one day at a time but so resentful I have to keep one eye on him while trying to be supportive and continually convince my daughter everything will be fine. Does anyone see narcissistic traits here?

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[an0ught]

Hi Beacher,

leaving him out would also sends a message in a very public manner. Not sure that would be a good idea for anyone involved.

Weddings are certainly a place where narcissism (by bride, groom, parents or guests) can bloom. His request however seems to me more about inclusion and showing a unified front.

I will do anything to make this a joyous, wonderful day for her.

Of course this plan will fail. Things go wrong and there will be disappointment. Be prepared to validate total disaster and avoid JADE. Be grateful for small dramas that distract him.

The preparation time is the hardest  . Once things are moving and others are around he'll adjusts.

[formflier]

so resentful I have to keep one eye on him while trying to be supportive and continually convince my daughter everything will be fine.

What do you think will happen if you leave him to his own devices... .and stop spending energy "keeping an eye on him"?

FF

[Beacher]

My problem is he was threatening not to come to the wedding. Which would have been fine, just humiliating to me. Now he has changed his mind. I promised my daughter I would not let him do anything to embarrass her so I have been doing exactly what you suggested- leaving him to his own devices. There is certainly no problem letting him wear what he wants and including him in the speech, things just change so quickly from minute to minute and I am torn between keeping him calm and letting him have his way and also respecting my daughters wishes. I'm sure you are right- when others are around he is the most engaging, eager to please guy you could want to meet. But for some reason every holiday or special event he finds a reason to be offended and I get the brunt of it that night. I try not to project but 9 times out of 10 this happens. One day at a time I guess. Thank you for all the input my friends xxoxo

[formflier]

  I promised my daughter I would not let him do anything to embarrass her so I have been doing exactly what you suggested- leaving him to his own devices.

Can you deliver on this promise? 



Be careful... .it's not something you control... .

FF

[unicorn2014]

So my daughters wedding is coming closer. I'm trying to focus on the joy of it but BPD husband is planting little seeds that alert me to he is searching for a way to be angry. Even though he has repeatedly said " I will do anything to make this a joyous, wonderful day for her. " ( he is her stepfather and has paid for most of the wedding, begging " please let me do this, even if it is the only way I know how to show love".) but after his last rage we have been living in separate bedrooms. At first we did not even think he was going to attend, so that as stressful enough. Now he has announce he will be wearing a different color then the rest of the men, the color is charcoal but he insisted he knows a thing or two about etiquette it's wrong, he works hard at maintaining his image, and he looks best in black. Whatever, I said that would be fine, you will look great. Anything to keep him calm. I wrote a speech and today he said " my name needs to be included in that speech". I made sure to mention his name and write " we" throughout. I am taking one day at a time but so resentful I have to keep one eye on him while trying to be supportive and continually convince my daughter everything will be fine. Does anyone see narcissistic traits here?

Hi Beacher, I'm sorry you're going through, it sounds really difficult. 

Have you asked your husband is there something that is upsetting him. Is your intuition telling you anything? I recently read the way psychologists identify narcissists is that they ask them point blank if they are narcissistic and they answer yes.

[Notwendy]

One thing that comes to mind is attention seeking and black and white thinking. In my experience, when I am very focused on something, that can get interpretted as " she is not interested in me, she is ignoring me, she is rejecting me". Even if the reason is logical ( a wedding is a big even), or not even related, such as a project at work.

In these situations, the reason ( I want attention) is not spoken, but the other reasons- the color of the suit, the speech, are said- but they keep switching because of the underlying reason ( I want attention). Each time you agree to something, then you think the "problem" is solved but the constant need for attention is not.

It doesn't make sense logically, but from the perspective of a person with BPD, it probably feels like to him one of his siblings is getting a giant birthday party while he is not. Since pw BPD don't process feelings well, he may oscillate between being the proud step father of the bride and feeling neglected.

Do what you can to make him feel included and an important part of the event, but that's about the best you can do.

I don't think he will embarrass her, but you can't control that. I recall feeling embarrassed and ashamed at some of my BPD mom's behavior in front of my friends when I was growing up, but I realized that it bothered me more than it bothered them. I don't think they paid as much attention to other people's parents.

[Beacher]

I once heard " expect nothing and you won't be disappointed". He threatened to not attend, take back the money he paid for the wedding, but then will say " I'm staying out of it, all the palms, I'll just do anything you want me to do, I won't be visible, whatever everyone wants me to do I'll do,it". But tonight said " no one asked my opinion on anything". I've earned to just nod my head and say ok and let him ramble on, because tomorrow it could change. When I try to include him and let him know what is going on he will keep repeating " I'm not getting involved, I'm just doing what everyone tells me to do" without even asking or replying or offering suggestions. I'm sure a lot of you recognize this back and forth and it's very disheartening. There's so much going on and I'm trying to remain positive and happy but it sure is hard! One day at a time I guess. Thanks for the input and wish me luck!