still can't believe I didn't see her BPD

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Discovered my 'wife' whom I was with for almost 7 years had been cheating on me for several months, initiating connection with this woman actually 14 months prior to me learning about the affair.  I had tried to leave due to her volatile and crazy behaviors a year and a half ago and she begged and lured me back. I saw a lot of the red flags. I'm still just amazed I stayed and didn't see the end coming.  I've cut off contact because she was threatening me. I have to go through the divorce proceedings because we were LDPs. She kept many of my belongings and wouldn't give them to me.  She's in our house (which was hers before the relationship but I poured money, energy and creativity into making a beautiful place from a dump). She will owe me money but will try to get away with as little as possible.   I vacillate from disbelief to anger and resentment to shame and embarrassment at not seeing it or knowing better.  She is a master manipulator. It's been 6 weeks. I just want to move on with my life but, crap, I thought she was my life partner.  The other woman was with her partner 11 years.  M just sent her tentacles out and traded up because this woman is wealthy and an MD. Blah. It's all so sordid and sick.  I want it all to be far behind me. 

[kyzen]

Discovered my 'wife' whom I was with for almost 7 years had been cheating on me for several months, initiating connection with this woman actually 14 months prior to me learning about the affair.  I had tried to leave due to her volatile and crazy behaviors a year and a half ago and she begged and lured me back. I saw a lot of the red flags. I'm still just amazed I stayed and didn't see the end coming.  I've cut off contact because she was threatening me. I have to go through the divorce proceedings because we were LDPs. She kept many of my belongings and wouldn't give them to me.  She's in our house (which was hers before the relationship but I poured money, energy and creativity into making a beautiful place from a dump). She will owe me money but will try to get away with as little as possible.   I vacillate from disbelief to anger and resentment to shame and embarrassment at not seeing it or knowing better.  She is a master manipulator. It's been 6 weeks. I just want to move on with my life but, crap, I thought she was my life partner.  The other woman was with her partner 11 years.  M just sent her tentacles out and traded up because this woman is wealthy and an MD. Blah. It's all so sordid and sick.  I want it all to be far behind me. 

[Mutt]

Hi kyzen,



I'm sorry to hear that. I can relate with how painful, disappointing and angry that feels when a spouse cheats. My ex did a lot of acting out throughout our marriage, I didn't see it coming either, I think it's important to cut yourself some slack.

I didn't understand my ex wife's behaviors over several years, I had never heard of personality disorders or BPD, she's not diagnosed, I'm not a doctor or a professional. A family member told me about BPD after my ex left with her affair partner, then I found my way here like you.

I'm not sure how you feel, I was trying to keep a marriage and family together, with no knowledge of a serious mental illness, no support and trying to do the best that I could do.

I can understand how difficult that would be being in the same house while you are seperated. Is she acting out?

I see that you have divorce proceedings, I'm not familiar with LDP's. Many members are familiar with courts and coping with an ex partner with a personality disorder on our legal board, it helps to talk.

Leaving Board: Family law, divorce and custody