He says he just wants to be friends...

[blackorchid]

Hi,  a month ago my uPWDp had a massive episode and moved out of our apartment. It was triggered because I said his dad couldn't move in. His dad us always an issue which causes extreme reactions. He then went on to block me on everything and I had ST for the best part of the month. We are now in week 5. On Sunday he unblocked me said that I had disrespected him and we are done forever. On Monday night he started texting. Then he said he misses me he can't deny that but he hates me because of arguing when his dad visiting and saying he couldn't live with us.  An hour or so later he said he was on his way and that it was only to see our dog. He came took her for a walk for an hour and went to leave. I asked if we could go for a walk. He reluctantly agreed.

I felt as soon as he got close to me. A quick kiss a hold of a hand he pushed himself immediately away. He left in anger saying we can only ever be friends... .


Thoughts?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Sluggo]

I am not up on my abbreviations so not sure if you are married to him... .but if are not I would be cautious of pursuing the relationship.  I am only speaking from my on issues of being married to a diagnosed BPD and it is super hard but have many kids so separation question is difficult.

You did good by standin firm in your stance of not bringing in the family to the home.  That was another mistake I made while we had our mother live in the home for about a year.   

Nothing profound to say to you... .but I know it really hurts to feel what you are feeling. 

[an0ught]

PwBPD are tough to deal with. PwBPD and their parents often adds another level 

Keep in mind that he feels between a rock and a hard place - while your relationship is in ST his relationship with dad is not simple either.

Can you take a wider perspective? Can you move to the center of the drama triangle? How can you validate from that vantage point?

[Daniell85]

I don't think he is done with the relationship. He kind of set himself up on a pride level by disregulating, declaring the relationship was done and running off. Little hard to go extreme and come back gracefully.

My boyfriend has done this a ton of times. When he first did it, I totally believed him. Now I know better. As anOught says, moving to a less extreme position of end of relationship or we are together ( at least I think that is what is being said, sorry if I misunderstand) and simply taking each day as it comes until people calm down and can talk to sort things out.

My experience with boyfriend is if I say "ok", his level of upset starts to die down fast, and he wants to get back to boyfriend and girlfriend.

I have the "friend" thing at me right now, but I know it's his way back in with me if I let it happen.

[blackorchid]

I understand what you mean an0ught about him feeling a bit stuck between the birth of us. I've tried to validate by saying I understand you're angry because of what happened ok we can be friends. To validate from the Center of the triangle do I need to go further than that?

I hope that your situation is getting better Daniell85 I know the "friend" thing totally sucks.  He came again on Wednesday night. Starting messaging saying he was in my area of town. Then outside your house. I dint reply. Then outside our house.  He just wanted to see the dog again. He was right by my gate. I brought her out. He gave her some loving then it was good I came to see her and to see you. I've done that now so bye.  The. Another message maybe we can go somewhere on Sunday al, three of us but just as friends... .  Frustrating doesn't quite cut it