I'm not sure how to go on right now...

[WytchBaby]

My wife who is BPD with a “healthy” dose of depression and anxiety was admitted on Thursday to our local hospital for self-harm and suicidal thoughts. It was thanksgiving weekend in Canada, so on Friday the place was busy and there were groups she could do, but come Saturday things slowed down.

On top of that, she uses a service dog. The laws in Ontario are pretty basic and only require a doctor’s note, which we have and rabies shot as well. The hospital was so very confused and this happened last year too when she was admitted under very similar circumstances. I am just so peeved. In the end they ended up telling her he had to stay in her room while she was out doing other things.  I mean what if this was a seizure detection dog? He is a psychiatric service dog but under the law there is no real distinction between seizure detection and psychiatric or other types of services and yet i can't help but feel that they would have allowed the seizure dog out and about. ... .that's just me ranting though because that's not why I am here... .

Anyways, the gist of it is by Friday she felt less harmful to herself and kept bringing up going home. I was so frustrated. It took a lot of my own emotional and personal effort to convince the (horrible) psychiatrist in emerge to admit her. On Monday she and I had a spat about the possibility of her going home on Tuesday when the doctors came back. I was just saying to her that one or two weeks might be good. There are doctors, groups, fellow patients all at her finger tips there when we have been waiting in the real world for more than 6 months for psychiatry and there hasn’t been much else for specified help. She panicked and lost it on me thinking I was telling her to stay there forever.

She says she felt more hopeless and depressed in there and like no one was listening to her. What she has not once acknowledged (to my knowledge) is that it was a long weekend. There was limited medical help aside from nurses checking on the patients and meds etc.

On Tuesday there were further issues with the dog and I was at work. She didn’t even wait for me to come and help her. She discharged in the afternoon and waited until I was done work to be picked up.

The dog issues aside (that is a fight I am taking to media/legal/the hospital themselves) I don’t know how to be around her now. I feel like she threw away an opportunity to get help. She is so insistent that they are having a psychiatrist follow up with her – but we have already been waiting at least half a year since she was referred by her doctor. She has another inhome nurse visit once every couple of weeks. She’s done that before and it was something at least….

I just feel like I cannot even support her right now because I am too upset myself. My own fears and anxieties and emotional upset lead me to a crying mess.

I hope I get over it soon, but I'm hardly even able to stay at work... .trying not to cry at my desk... .

I'm just ranting, and venting and I guess hoping someone has some words of wisdom for me.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[babyducks]

Hi WytchBaby,

I'm sorry to read what you are going through.   That's difficult, stressful and discouraging.   I remember reading about the little Chihuahua service dog and that it was helpful for your wife.

It's okay to vent here, that's what we are here for.  I've come here and vented when I've hit my limit.   

It is difficult to be 'in crisis' for long periods of time.  It drains our emotional batteries.  I would encourage you to take a couple of deep breaths and try to relax.   

I would also suggest allowing a couple of days for emotions to settle.   

Let us know how you are doing okay?

'ducks

[ArleighBurke]

It is so frustrating watching someone you love self harm, and not try to help themselves. Even more if you can't get professional help AND if your partner blames you for it all.

I can understand you are at your wits end - drained, frustrated and lost.

Unfortunately, there is little you can do. Your wife cannot get better until SHE chooses to. You will watch her again and again doing the same things, and you need to be able to detach. To realise that you are doing the best you can for her, and the rest is up to her. You need to take care of yourself.

It will be painful. You will feel helpless. But this is her condition. Encourage where you can. Accept her behaviour. Call authorities if you need to (you are not her therapist).

[WytchBaby]

Thanks so much guys!

A decent night's sleep last night helped a bit. I woke up feeling a bit more "normal" today.

I do have a very hard time detaching. Before her episode I was trying to develop my skills by coming here and reading articles and I do need to get back to that; I "slacked off" for a couple weeks before her episode (not that I think the two are linked in anyway).

I definitely need to set boundaries and learn how to speak with her better and even learn how to detach from it like you said.

She's stable right now and hopefully stays that way for a few months so we can get through the rest of the year the holidays etc wtihout too much extra stress. But I won't hold my breath. LOL

[babyducks]

I do have a very hard time detaching. Before her episode I was trying to develop my skills by coming here and reading articles and I do need to get back to that; I "slacked off" for a couple weeks before her episode (not that I think the two are linked in anyway).

Hi WytchBaby.

I am glad you a feeling a bit better.      I know for me I was so exhausted that when there was a quiet spell I tended to fall into somnolence.

like wlliamskevin said detaching is an important tool, very helpful, I'd almost say critical really.  detaching helps me to protect me and give my partner the opportunity to be responsible for her own health decisions.   

detaching for me is a process, unfortunately it doesn't work like a light switch.   I needed to and continually need to create the appropriate amount of physical and emotional distance.  that's tricky and took some practice.  what I first had to do is identify where my limits are.     

on the dog issue you mentioned taking the fight to the media, hospital, legal.   I understand how important service dogs are and I am not suggesting you either act or don't act on the issue but I am wondering about your thought processes and your situation.   it sounds as if you feel very strongly about this and rightly so.   i guess what I am wondering is, can your wife lead this fight with you in support or are you the advocating by yourself?

'ducks

[WytchBaby]

I do feel quite strongly about it. I'm not sure where this is going now, as I did obtain the documentation from the hospital,which just helped me to discover that the unit was dicking around, so at the very least I am filing a complaint to the hospital. From there I am not sure. Although I do have the documentation printed out now, should she ever be admitted for any reason again.

She is really not good at staying on something. She's at the beginning of her BPD journey and really has no real medical assistance at this point for the BPD itself. So just seeing her do a full set of dishes or finish a puzzle or craft is rare - let alone all the scary letter writing and phone calling that's necessary for any sort of change at the hospital or government level.

Setting medical limits sound so daunting to me now. For the last few years I have been her "doer" or at least secretary in terms of organizing things. She still calls and makes appointments, but when something needs to get done, I have to tell her, give her the number, sometimes be there to "hold her hand" because she has phone phobia.

She's not good at taking charge so somethings, especially her battle to gain Disability Support pretty much starts with me.

I can understand the quiet periods - I am somewhat in one right now. Overwhelmed with almost all aspects of my life right now some nights I get home from work and hide in my bedroom playing on my phone or watching tv or reading. I have some time off work soon which is kind of what I am holding out for to get some real "rest" and tackle some of the things I want/need to tackle for myself.

[babyducks]

She's at the beginning of her BPD journey and really has no real medical assistance at this point for the BPD itself. So just seeing her do a full set of dishes or finish a puzzle or craft is rare - let alone all the scary letter writing and phone calling that's necessary for any sort of change at the hospital or government level.

Setting medical limits sound so daunting to me now. For the last few years I have been her "doer" or at least secretary in terms of organizing things. She still calls and makes appointments, but when something needs to get done, I have to tell her, give her the number, sometimes be there to "hold her hand" because she has phone phobia.

Hi WytchBaby,

being at the beginning of the journey is daunting.    it takes a long time and many baby steps to see measurable progress.   and to be bluntly honest, it's a balancing act.    I know for myself I tend to be a 'fixer' and a caretaker.  there are definitely times when I am so busy doing for others that I tend to neglect myself.    that's not good either.     I am glad you have some time off to get some real rest.

'ducks