How do you stay Zen?

[tm006f]

I just recently joined here and am already implementing some of the strategies that I am learning and have found this helpful.

Mainly, I am trying to not engage my husband when he is trying to create drama.

I am wondering though, how do you all keep anger and resentment from building up inside of yourself?

Frankly when my husband is trying to create drama he can be emotionally abusive.  He calls me stupid, liar, etc.  I have been working on not engaging, setting boundaries, etc.  but it still hurts.  The same when he is insisting something "must" be his way.  I like to be right.  That is my personality, so it is challenging to just all the time be telling him "sure, we can do it your way" and not point out "actually there is more than one correct way to do things, it doesn't HAVE to be YOUR way".  He can usually sense when I am patronizing him and not feeling sincere about doing things his way, which leads to more drama.

Last night he got mad because we were cleaning up and at first I went along with his bossiness.  Then when he insisted something "HAD" to be cleaned right then, I told him I would do it tomorrow but not then because it was late.  He got totally pissed and making drama.  I told him I was going to bed and went upstairs.  He came into the bathroom while I was brushing my teeth and ordered me to come downstairs when I was done.  He was being scary, so I did--maybe that was a mistake.

Once I got downstairs, he went off on how lazy I am and how I don't take care of the house, etc. etc.  I sympathized with him as best as I could "I hear you.  Yes, it's important to take care of the house."  Then I told him that I could see this was important to him and I would listen for five more minute, then I was going to bed because it was late.  He got really annoyed and kept trying to drag me into a drama.  I stayed focused and told him that I suggested that he let me know what else he wanted to talk about because I was going to go to bed in a few minutes.  He continued to tell me how awful I am and don't care, etc.  When I started to walk away, he started to hit himself in the face.

Usually this is where I would go back, get sucked into his drama and end up crying my eyes out.  Instead I just went right to bed.

I was really afraid that he would flip out, but he came up and got into the bed.  He did get in a few extra jabs, but I didn't engage him and we actually went to sleep instead of fighting until the wee hours of the morning.

So, sort of a win.

But again, I am just wondering how you all keep your cool and don't let hurt, anger, and resentment build up inside yourselves.  I get really tired always feeling like I need to conform my life (and my baby's life) around his personality and anxiety issues, waiting and waiting and waiting for those little moments of clarity where he is charming and loving and tells me thank you for some small thing.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ArleighBurke]

Good effort on enforcing your boundary! And it sounds like you validated well. Don't be too hard on yourself for going back and cleaning - it's hard to know when to dig in. Ignoring the hitting must also have been very difficult for you - but it seems to have worked. You were not sucked into him trying to manipulate you.

BPD is draining. I try so hard to remember that it's his ILLNESS saying those words, doing those behaviours, not HIM. It helps a little. Try to remember the good - savour the positives. And have other happiness in your life (hobbies, friends).

[unicorn2014]

Hi tm, first off I have to say I think you're doing great under the circumstances with a baby and a husband with BPD!   Second off I think just keep doing what you're doing in terms of how do you stay zen? Come here, read the lessons, engage with people and tell them what's going on at home. Don't beat yourself up or second guess yourself for making mistakes. Nobody should have to have these survival skills. A lot of the skills it takes to live with a pwBPD are counter intuitive which is why dbt is recommended for the non as well. Which, by the way, would be a way to become more zen, dbt  there are some lessons on mindfulness for the non over in the undecided area, I'm not sure if they are in the staying area as well. Perhaps a member of the staying board could confirm that? 

[Hope26]

Hi tm006f,

I too think you handled this situation very well.  Does your husband have any clue that he has a mental disorder?  Does he ever apologize after the fact for episodes such as these?  An apology, or at least an acknowledgement of bad behavior, can go a long way toward helping you stay Zen, in my book.

[Hope26]

As to the 'bossiness' and being ordered to do things immediately and on their terms, I can relate to this totally with my uBPDh.  I wonder if others can do so, as well.  Is this not a form of abuse worthy of a boundary?  He once ordered me to get out of bed at night when I was fast asleep and he was trying to find something.  I refused (it wasn't a fire extinguisher or anything crucial), and there was hell to pay for the next 24 hours. I was told I was lazy, selfish, etc. etc.  Much of the time I 'follow orders' in order to avoid the repercussions.

I have told him I suspect he has BPD, and he actually agrees with me.  Now when I can manage to avoid JADEing during a temper tantrum, he will often acknowledge the behavior after the fact.  Not apologize usually, but acknowledge.  So that helps me stay Zen.

[believer55]

Hi tm... .what you have described, to me, is really the hardest part of being the partner. It is draining and very hard and you will slip up and that is OK. I have found it very hard to be the non and not be dragged into their splitting. Not JADEing to me has been to most useful and also sticking to my guns with my boundaries. However, I am still a human and I still have feelings and what I have found its bottling them up and pushing down my own anger has been destructive for me. I am now learning to talk to my uBPDh about the consequences of his outburst and verbal assaults. Some days he is receptive and understands it is not about blame - mostly we need to start the conversation a number of times before he can be ready to receive what I need to tell him. Some days it leads to him splitting and I am a b___. It is very hard, as the "easy" way is to push it down - but it is now affecting my own health.

If anything I can offer is to not just learn to "deal" with the outbursts but find a way to communicate to him (might need someone to mediate) how it is affecting you.

Best of luck... .