Compromises

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Friends,

Any r/s has its give and take, of course, and there has to be some compromising along the way.

Yet I suspect that I took this concept way too far, to the point that I compromised my basic values in order to keep the peace in a marriage to a pwBPD.  I allowed myself to tolerate verbal and physical abuse...   I allowed my W to isolate me from friends and family who care about me.  I gave up a normal social life because I lived in fear of my W's jealousies and insecurities.

Looking back, I note that it was not a two-way street when it came to negotiations.  I did virtually all of the compromising.  I allowed myself to be manipulated by my BPDxW in order to meet her needs.  I compromised while she continued her reign of terror.  She barely gave up an inch, whereas over time I lost a mile.  It happened in increments, with one compromise after another, until I became a shadow of my former self.  It wasn't fun, friends, and I don't recommend that anyone follow my example.

The lesson: be careful about what you compromise.

Perhaps others have done some compromising in a BPD r/s?

LuckyJim

[Lucky Jim]

Friends,

Any r/s has its give and take, of course, and there has to be some compromising along the way.

Yet I suspect that I took this concept way too far, to the point that I compromised my basic values in order to keep the peace in a marriage to a pwBPD.  I allowed myself to tolerate verbal and physical abuse...   I allowed my W to isolate me from friends and family who care about me.  I gave up a normal social life because I lived in fear of my W's jealousies and insecurities.

Looking back, I note that it was not a two-way street when it came to negotiations.  I did virtually all of the compromising.  I allowed myself to be manipulated by my BPDxW in order to meet her needs.  I compromised while she continued her reign of terror.  She barely gave up an inch, whereas over time I lost a mile.  It happened in increments, with one compromise after another, until I became a shadow of my former self.  It wasn't fun, friends, and I don't recommend that anyone follow my example.

The lesson: be careful about what you compromise.

Perhaps others have done some compromising in a BPD r/s?

LuckyJim

[Tomzxz]

Lucky Jim,

That FOG is some serious SH_ _.  I'm told that compromise is a natural part of a healthy relationship.  A partner reserves the right to say no but should at least tolerate compromise someplace else. I did the same as you Lucky Jim, I would meet her halfway on issues and she would then take a step back... .  Bars were raised, goal lines were moved and no wasn't allowed in my vocabulary... .Very irritating. The last thing my ex and I said over the phone when we broke up was that the therapist thought we were miles apart and my ex's comment to that was that she wasn't going to compromise anymore!  What?  As if she ever compromised.  I guess in her disordered little world she felt that she compromised daily.  She cant cite examples of any of her compromises any more than she can provide her "friends" with concrete reasons for throwing away a relationship.  

Now I feel like a fool for compromising my values.

[eeks]

Any r/s has its give and take, of course, and there has to be some compromising along the way.

Yet I suspect that I took this concept way too far, to the point that I compromised my basic values in order to keep the peace in a marriage to a pwBPD.  I allowed myself to tolerate verbal and physical abuse...   I allowed my W to isolate me from friends and family who care about me.  I gave up a normal social life because I lived in fear of my W's jealousies and insecurities.

Looking back, I note that it was not a two-way street when it came to negotiations.  I did virtually all of the compromising.  I allowed myself to be manipulated by my BPDxW in order to meet her needs.  I compromised while she continued her reign of terror.  She barely gave up an inch, whereas over time I lost a mile.  It happened in increments, with one compromise after another, until I became a shadow of my former self.  It wasn't fun, friends, and I don't recommend that anyone follow my example.

Hi Lucky Jim,

You've made some important points.  I certainly understand your wish that others "not follow your example".  You don't want others to go through the pain you went through. 

You say you "compromised your basic values to keep the peace".  Would you say that you rationalized the compromises to yourself during the relationship the way you state it here, "every relationship has give and take", or was it a different motivation?

[Lucky Jim]

You say you "compromised your basic values to keep the peace".  Would you say that you rationalized the compromises to yourself during the relationship the way you state it here, "every relationship has give and take", or was it a different motivation?

Hey eeks, Yes, I would say that I rationalized it to myself during the marriage by reference to platitudes about normal give and take in a healthy r/s, whereas my situation was a one-way street with me giving a lot and my BPDxW taking a lot.  I also lived in fear of her rages and felt a misplaced desire to keep up appearances, notwithstanding all evidence to the contrary.  In addition, I was committed to making the r/s work, which is a noble concept but has its limitations in the context of BPD.

@tomzxz -- You get it!

LuckyJim