What would you do if BPD got a hold of the password to BPDfamily & read ur posts

[Sluggo]

I am nervous that may happen some day?  Any of you or has it happened to you?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[dacoming]

Just add it to the list of things you allegedly do wrong.  My wife rages about so many things that are not happening, it would probably be welcome to argue about something that's true for a change.

[BlueBagel]

If I was in the right head-space I would try to stay calm and explain that I need to be able to talk about the things that happen with us in a non-judgemental environment but depending on her mood it could definitely lead to a fight.

Has anyone ever told their partner they use this forum or something like it? If so how did it go?

[pineapple78]

Just add it to the list of things you allegedly do wrong.  My wife rages about so many things that are not happening, it would probably be welcome to argue about something that's true for a change.

Good point! Ive been really worried about this as I have not had anyone to talk to about what I have been dealing with and have been using here to learn and deal with some issues. It occurred to me that it would not take too much for my uBPD wife to track me down on here because of the more specific circumstances I have mentioned in posts that she would likely pick up on.

If my uBPD wife found my posts here, she may be triggered to anger perhaps, but if not this then probably something else. Without BPD though, if she read my posts she would get an idea of both the struggles I have been willing to go through because I love her as well as how much I care about her well-being and happiness. I hope if she does find my posts she can hold back on the emotional response long enough to see that.

I was actually looking to remove some details from some of my past posts on here, but you know what! I think I will leave them as is. I love my wife and if she can't see that through my posts here then perhaps I'm fighting a battle that cant be won anyway.

[Ysabel]

Just add it to the list of things you allegedly do wrong.  My wife rages about so many things that are not happening, it would probably be welcome to argue about something that's true for a change.

Amen to this! If I did the things im accused of doing, I'd be locked up for life! The truth is, I have committed no crimes against him, but he has committed plenty against me. He is the one in the (what I affectionately call) "group for men who like to beat their wives". And what about the ability to turn EVERYTHING into a double bind? Sometimes when I realize what's happening, I marvel at his talent to make himself the victim no matter what I do. I come predisposed with an abundance of guilt and shame from my family of orgin, that seems to be my "work" to not believe his lies about me, but to focus on what God says is the truth about me and not give in and "take the bait". He can turn anything into a fight, but it takes 2 and my job is to lovingly disengage and not believe that just because he is angry, that I have done something wrong. In the end, anger is just one of the ways he attempts to exert control over my feisty Irish Catholic self!

Do I care if he reads my posts, h... .l no, I just want to be on the other side of the planet when he does!

[isilme]

I'd be accused of violating his trust, betrayal, etc.  When we started dating, years ago, I still lived with ym BPD-manic depressive dad's family, and kept a diary as I was not allowed friends to talk to much of my life.  Being excited about having a boyfriend, I spilled my guts into those pages, never once thinking anyone would read them.  Dad kicked me out, and I, having started a new diary just a few weeks before, forgot the old one was in a box in my stepmother's house in a closet.  Dad found it, photocopied "juicy" stuff from it (I was still a virgin at 20, but had been intimate with BF-now-FI, and written it in what was supposed to be a safe place) and mailed the copies to his parents (my grandparents), my aunts and uncles on his side of the family, and to FI's parents, to show them what I whore I was. 

Since then, I cannot keep anything written.  Here seems fine, as I use a name not used anywhere else, and my passwords are randomized.  If FI found this site and read enough posts, he might find me eventually, and I HAVE mentioned a site exists I go to for "group therapy" for my abusive childhood, but never told him the name, and do not access this from home, save on my pass coded tablet or phone. 

[Hope26]

Like Isilme, I have mentioned that I go to a sort of 'group therapy' site sometimes... .but that was long ago, not sure he remembers, and I said nothing more specific than that.  I never use the same computer that he uses at home, and do most of my posting when at the office.  He is not tech-savvy and I have to show him how to get to specific websites.  He doesn't even know how to go on-line on my IPAD which I use at home.  I clear my history regularly on that, just in case.  Yes, he would probably be upset if he found out, but I think the chances are slim to none of it happening and God knows I need the support for the sake of my own sanity!  Don't know what I'd do without this group.

[Seeks]

This actually happened to me. My GF took my phone a couple years ago and got into this message board and read what I had been writing.

It did not go over well and I could understand that. No one wants to be labeled with a mental disorder. She was already battling self esteem issues and the shame of me thinking that, and talking about it publicly -even though anonymous- was a bad hit to her ego.

She raged at me. Called me a narcissist and some other choice things. Told me I was the one that was mentally ill (which I am co dependent) Then she broke up with me.

So we went NC for three months, after which she sent me a text and we recycled.

I don't talk about this board to her but she knows I am here. She brought it up this summer saying if I had questions I should just ask her, not go out asking strangers online.

But when I tried doing that the next week she clammed up.

And then a few weeks ago she saw an email I received from this site. Again she called me a narcissist and broke up with me. Though we are still living together... .she sleeps on the couch.

But I haven't been pushing it, giving her some space, and she appears to be softening a little.

BPD has come up a half dozen times in our 5 yr relationship. It never goes over well.

[dacoming]

My wife would be very angry and start projecting the behaviors and BPD onto me.  I always post from work and never even go on this site at home.

[formflier]

 

I recommend to use Chrome for a browser.

Then... .use incognito mode to log into bpdfamily

Control shift N gets you to incognito.

password is something she would never guess... .not something remotely close to other p words that she may or may not know about.

I do log in at home... .but usually only on a laptop and if she enters room... .I close out of incognito.

I make sure to leave several pages up on the regular browser that I am interested in.

No idea what she would do if she found out... .probably not good.  I wouldn't debate it with her.

Best to take steps to not get found out.  

FF

[pallavirajsinghani]

I believe that it is important for you to understand the following phenomenon:  www.dynamic.uoregon.edu/jjf/defineDARVO.html

It is commonly known by acronym DARVO. 

Perhaps knowledge about this may help you face the fall-out and perhaps you will have enough strength NOT to JADE in turn.

You have a very legitimate question... .and I think the best way to handle this would be the same as handling any other dysregulation... .enforce your boundaries (take time out/take a walk for example).

[ChangingOfTides]

I fear this moment as well.

Even though i come here explicitly cause i love her and i want to make both our lives, and those of the kids better, for her it would probably feel like i ran over to the dark side.

[waverider]

Luckily my wife is such a technology dinosaur she doesn't even know what a browser is let alone how to open it and browse histories. Hence I stay logged in. i try not to leave the page open on front tab when I am not at comp, but not usually a drama if I do. A lot of the time while typing here she is in the same room, and for some reason doesn't even glance at the screen, if she asks what I am doing... .It's like an avoidance thing, which is somewhere related to her disorder.

[pineapple78]

I thought I would post back here as a couple days ago my wife did find my posts on here so I have some relevant perspective. She is undiagnosed, with BPD in my belief. A couple days ago I discussed it with her, and of course she is offended and I cant blame her at all. Its got to be tough hearing about something like this from a loved one and I avoided it as long as I could until things seemed to reach a critical point where I felt I had no choice.

So she found my posts on here and I'm not sure at the moment if its a good thing or not. I think her first reaction was anger, but I think she could see from my posts the struggle from my perspective and that my main motivation was my love for her and wish for her happiness. Perhaps it was a good thing for her to read such frank posts from me. Im not sure yet as she is still so angry with me.

On the other hand now I don't know if I should be writing here anymore. Perhaps she will still read them and it will be a source of anger for her. Its hard as I have found other forums to be generally very negative and not so supportive as here and I don't really want to hear the negativity found on other forums.

[formflier]

Its hard as I have found other forums to be generally very negative and not so supportive as here and I don't really want to hear the negativity found on other forums.

I had the same experience.  When I initially started looking for online support I found lots of places... .then quickly figured out that most were full of hate and scorn.

bpdfamily stood out as a place that was different... .I've obviously stuck with it here.

So... .my advice to you is to find a way to keep posting here... .privately.

There is nothing that is being "hidden" from your wife.  Who you talk to about mental health issues that affect you is your business.

Same for her.

FF

[Flexion]

I am nervous that may happen some day?  Any of you or has it happened to you?

My advice is NEVER read BPD Family while a dinner with spouse! 

[Chilibean13]

I think my uBPDh would get mad about it but it would probably be no different than any other time he gets mad. He would be very hurt that I was talking about him with strangers, would probably accuse me of trying to meet another man online, but once he was over it, he would be over it.

It was kind of like that when he read my journal a few weeks ago (which I no longer keep because my thoughts could not be private). He read some hurtful things about himself and he kept trying to throw them in my face but I was just honest and told him that at the moment that was how I felt. THat it didn't mean I felt the same today but if he was going to snoop through my things then he would have to deal with reading those types of things. For several days he walked around sad and hating himself.

[sweetheart]

I like formflier take precautions against the possibility of it ever happening. I always have multiple windows open when I am on this forum. So I just tap on one or other to read if my dBPDh comes over 'to see what I'm doing'

Neither does my dBPDh use my tablet, laptop or phone or I his, but they are also not locked or password protected, I just tidy up as I go.

For me its about being careful and this forum is about my needs and my support, and that's worth protecting.

Oh and in answer to your question All4BVM I would change my password and start again being a lot more careful. My h would find it hard to recover from what is written here, so would I if I had BPD.

[hopealways]

I wish she did.

[SurfNTurf]

I agree with FormFlier; but I use Silk/Private Browsing, and I keep the Internet Explorer up with a few regular tabs open in case I need to bail off Silk.

And, I have not told my spouse - nor do I need to - that I am on this forum.

And, if I had a concern my spouse had infiltrated my mental health forum, I would put a post on the help/tech support tab and get my user name changed. If I were really, really concerned, I might do this as a matter of routine, periodically.

I'm sure my spouse does something like this to hide his porn sites, now that I've found he's on them: One day I picked up his Kindle b/c mine was in the charger. On the regular browser, he had several 'free' porn sites listed in the history. So, I deleted every one of them. Then I opened the browser, and Googled things like "I busted my husband using online porn" and so on. I clicked onto those sites, so that my husbands browser history now showed "my internet porn using husband" sites instead of his list of sites!  Even he thought it was funny when he found it - amazing, as he could just as easily have dysregulated - and said, "Honey, I visit the free sites once in awhile b/c I'm just too cheap to pay for porn!" And he's right. But I digress - use your private browser and keep multiple windows open when you are in this forum.

[JRT]

I'm pretty sure that mine is one here... .

[unicorn2014]

I'm afraid that my pwBPD would be able to figure out who I am then again on the other hand he no longer identifies with BPD. He thinks it's in his past. He thinks he's outgrown it. He now thinks PTSD is his only problem. I find that irritating as he's never taken dbt. He says his therapists told him he already knows a lot of dbt already or that dbt may be too fluffy for him. I think he's wrong as I experience dbt behaviors from him on a daily basis.

[C.Stein]

I wish she did.

Agreed.

[joshbjoshb]

What would happened if she finds out:

Old-old me: Terrified! She will be so angry now. How will I explain?

Old me: I wish she did! She will read it all, start to cry and go to therapy.

New me: Don't believe it will change anything. I will be open with her and say that yes, I think you have BPD and I write to get some support when I need. I'd be glad to write less if we will work out the issues together.

Having said that, I am trying to hide just to save a headache of her stalking me

[Ceruleanblue]

BPDh knows about this site, and I used to go on a site for step parents, but the women on there got super mean(not all of them, of course, but there is a "mean girl" gang). Our two biggest issues have to do with BPD/NPD traits, and his angry adult kids. He would sometimes get mad at me for being on the step parent site, but that was back when he was in denial over his kids, and he's much better now at admitting that they aren't acting at all in healthy ways.

I don't think BPDh minds that I blog here, although he certainly hated me thinking he has BPD, which is weird because he told me his psychiatrist told him he had "traits of BPD", and told him he should go to DBT. I think he actually has a full on diagnosis(or perhaps the shrink knew flat out telling him would mean he'd stop seeking treatment), but he just won't tell me.

I really don't care if he found my blogs or posts. I'm pretty open with him anyway, and I stand behind what I write. I'm afraid to tell him certain things, or ask for certain things, so yeah, maybe him reading it wouldn't be so awful. He's an IT guy, and if he wanted to snoop, he certainly could. He doesn't seem snoopy though, he's actually way more avoidant in certain ways. He's either super angry, or super avoidant.

He might be offended or mad for a bit, but I'm sure I could ride it out like I do all his other moods/dysregulations.