One sided relationship with parents

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hello,

Does anyone else feel like they have to make all the effort to see or hear from their parents? It's like a bit of a role reversal, I feel like I'm the parent and my parents are children? My parents are divorced and I remember my mom getting upset when we were young children if we hadn't called her while at my dad's for the week. It only dawned on me years later as an adult how backwards that is, my mom should have been calling her children every week to talk to them, not the other way around. Now that I'm an adult, I get guilted all the time by both of them for not visiting enough and yet I asked my dad to go for lunch over a month ago and he hasn't yet taken me up on the offer. It always feels super one sided with all the pressure and weight on my shoulders. Does anyone else feel this way? My mom has a lot of BPD traits and my dad, while he's not completely narcissistic, he was raised by one and does show some traits.

[Flintridge]

Hello,

Does anyone else feel like they have to make all the effort to see or hear from their parents? It's like a bit of a role reversal, I feel like I'm the parent and my parents are children? My parents are divorced and I remember my mom getting upset when we were young children if we hadn't called her while at my dad's for the week. It only dawned on me years later as an adult how backwards that is, my mom should have been calling her children every week to talk to them, not the other way around. Now that I'm an adult, I get guilted all the time by both of them for not visiting enough and yet I asked my dad to go for lunch over a month ago and he hasn't yet taken me up on the offer. It always feels super one sided with all the pressure and weight on my shoulders. Does anyone else feel this way? My mom has a lot of BPD traits and my dad, while he's not completely narcissistic, he was raised by one and does show some traits.

[Turkish]

If I don't talk to my mom for almost a months, "it's been months since I've heard from you." Three weeks? "Thanks for remembering your mom!"

I finally got tired of it. ""Mom, I know that you don't have long distance [because she's financially irresponsible], but you have a calling card. Call me, and I'll call you back. No problem, as my cell minutes are free. The phone does work both ways."

Response? "Yeah, I guess you are right."

She called me once after that (I'm 130 miles away), but it's kind of gone back to the same dynamic. So I never let it go than 3 weeks now, and I remind her I talked to her on X date.

I don't trust my mom driving to see me, and her house is a hoarded mess, so staying there is impossible. She is who she is.

That your dad has rebuffed you is sad, Flintridge. Maybe you can take control in this. Instead of saying that you'd like to have lunch, make a reservation. Tell him, and make it clear (nicely). He isn't taking the initiative. Though maybe frustrating for you, take it. Be clear. "Hey dad, lents meet at X restaurant on Y day at Z time." Leaving it up to him doesn't seem to be yielding fruit. Do your part, and then put the ball firmly in his court. What he does with that is on him. He's obviously limited in a way, but by doing that, you've given him 100% accountabilty on his part with no work on his part (because this may be hard for him for various reasons), but the ball is in his court, no excuses.

It may feel frustrating being the "parent" but it's a boundary, with some mercy contained therein. Hopefully he will respond positively.

[Flintridge]

Thanks Turkish. I guess what I find difficult is that when I try and nail down a date with my dad, he always tells me how busy he is, how he doesn't know what his schedule will be and can't commit to a date. Which makes me feel like I'm at the bottom of his priority list.

[slayer]

Looking back I see how I became the "emotional parent,"  probably as young as age 12. I can really relate to your comments about role reversal.

Does anyone else feel like they have to make all the effort to see or hear from their parents?

I wish. I have quite the opposite problem, I can't get my dBPDp to leave me alone. 

[sisterofbpd]

My UBPDmom gets upset that my DDs 10 & 12 don't call her enough!  She complains to me and when I said, "Mom, if you want to talk to them why don't you just call them?"  Her response, "It would just be nice if they would give ME a call."  Really, is this some kind of dating mind game?  They are 10 & 12 years old.  What's the problem?

[slayer]

I think the biggest fear of someone that has BPD is being abandoned.  I know I'm constantly dealing with my dBPDp's insecurities.

In this context if they call you they were the ones that took all the initiative. That process doesn't calm their insecurities; it only shows that they love you, not that you love them and that's what they are really after. If you call them it's evidence for them that shows that you were thinking about them and makes them feel a little less insecure, at least momentarily.

[GreenGlit]

I 100% feel this way.

With my uBPD mom, I feel like me calling her is a "test" of my devotion or my love for her. If I call frequently, and tell her details of my life, she is "happier" because I am including her in more. But if I don't call for a few days, she will complain to family members about how I'm selfish, or how I don't care about my parents, etc. Like - come on, I'm a grad student, I have a life, I'm busy - you're retired. If I don't call in a while, pick up the phone! But to her it's like admitting defeat, or worse - admitting you WANT to hear from me, because that puts her in a place of vulnerability and possibility for rejection. At least that's the only explanation I can really come up with.

With most parents who are normal, they are so happy when their kid thinks to call them and include them. It's like a pat on the back for good parenting when your kid wants you around. But with my mom, every day is a new test of my thoughtfulness or my ability to be a good daughter. Every day I can fail and be a disappointment.

We as children of uBPD parents are supposed to somehow always be aware of the emotional needs of our parent, who never communicates these needs, and we are supposed to react to these uncommunicated wishes. When we fail to do this, we are selfish little brats. It seems like my mother expects me to be always thinking of her at all times, and molding my life around her needs. A little sick and backwards, no?

[Seoulsister]

It always feels super one sided with all the pressure and weight on my shoulders. Does anyone else feel this way? My mom has a lot of BPD traits and my dad, while he's not completely narcissistic, he was raised by one and does show some traits.

This is the same with my in laws. They guilt trip and say, "when your father was young, he called his mother every Sunday". It becomes this obligation. They are so regimented that they get angry if we call "late" (after 6pm) and they won't answer the phone, so not only do they want us to call, it has to meet their date/time specifications. When my husband does call them, it's a one way conversation--his mom talking about herself. She doesn't ask how he is or what he's been doing, she just unloads from the minute she answers.

Any get togethers are initiated by us, but they complain to other family members that they don't see us often enough.

[Flintridge]

I think the biggest fear of someone that has BPD is being abandoned.  I know I'm constantly dealing with my dBPDp's insecurities.

In this context if they call you they were the ones that took all the initiative. That process doesn't calm their insecurities; it only shows that they love you, not that you love them and that's what they are really after. If you call them it's evidence for them that shows that you were thinking about them and makes them feel a little less insecure, at least momentarily.

Yes, I think you're so very right!

[Flintridge]

I 100% feel this way.

With my uBPD mom, I feel like me calling her is a "test" of my devotion or my love for her. If I call frequently, and tell her details of my life, she is "happier" because I am including her in more. But if I don't call for a few days, she will complain to family members about how I'm selfish, or how I don't care about my parents, etc. Like - come on, I'm a grad student, I have a life, I'm busy - you're retired. If I don't call in a while, pick up the phone! But to her it's like admitting defeat, or worse - admitting you WANT to hear from me, because that puts her in a place of vulnerability and possibility for rejection. At least that's the only explanation I can really come up with.

With most parents who are normal, they are so happy when their kid thinks to call them and include them. It's like a pat on the back for good parenting when your kid wants you around. But with my mom, every day is a new test of my thoughtfulness or my ability to be a good daughter. Every day I can fail and be a disappointment.

We as children of uBPD parents are supposed to somehow always be aware of the emotional needs of our parent, who never communicates these needs, and we are supposed to react to these uncommunicated wishes. When we fail to do this, we are selfish little brats. It seems like my mother expects me to be always thinking of her at all times, and molding my life around her needs. A little sick and backwards, no?

GreenGlit, I can so relate to everything you've said. This is definitely the way my mom is. The thing is, it's never enough. I've always said I could help my mom with 99 out of 100 things, that one time I couldn't be there would cancel out the other 99 things I helped her with.

The biggest test has been my mom moving out of town to the country. We rarely visit which of course has caused a lot of tension. I get a lot of "why aren't we worth driving out to see". My mom has convinced herself that they're 10 minutes away from the highway, it's a good half our drive there and another half hour back on a good day.

It's amazes me that we're supposed to be so aware of their emotional needs while not having any needs of our own, period.

[Flintridge]

It always feels super one sided with all the pressure and weight on my shoulders. Does anyone else feel this way? My mom has a lot of BPD traits and my dad, while he's not completely narcissistic, he was raised by one and does show some traits.

This is the same with my in laws. They guilt trip and say, "when your father was young, he called his mother every Sunday". It becomes this obligation. They are so regimented that they get angry if we call "late" (after 6pm) and they won't answer the phone, so not only do they want us to call, it has to meet their date/time specifications. When my husband does call them, it's a one way conversation--his mom talking about herself. She doesn't ask how he is or what he's been doing, she just unloads from the minute she answers.

Any get togethers are initiated by us, but they complain to other family members that they don't see us often enough.

Oh geez!,lol Well it sounds like I'm in good company.

[Charlie3236]

Flintridge, what an excellent way to put it... .we have to be completely aware of and cater to their emotional needs, without having any of our own. :-(

[Seoulsister]

Flintridge, what an excellent way to put it... .we have to be completely aware of and cater to their emotional needs, without having any of our own. :-(

This is so true, and so difficult long-term!

[GreenGlit]

I know what you mean about how frustrating it is when you work so hard to please, and then you miss that 1 thing she expected, and it seems like none of your other efforts matter. It has always been and still is one of the most frustrating themes of my relationship with my uBPD mother.

When I started dating my now-husband, the first time I did something that upset him I braced myself for anger and disappointment. But instead he said, "It's ok, I know you didn't meant to be hurtful. You always make so many efforts to make me happy." I started crying when he said that - these are the words of someone who sees the whole picture, not someone who is overwhelmed with blowing up one perceived failure (which is so characteristic of BPD behavior and the fear of abandonment).

I have learned, sadly, that I could give up my whole life to try to make my mother happy, but I will always inevitably fail her. Not because I have failed per sé, but because I will always do something that could be perceived as a slight to her. I had two choices: give up my life and still manage to disappoint her, or forget about her needs and pursue my own happiness.

I wanted to comment on an observation my husband made on my relationship with my mom. He would say to me, "Your mom basically gives you zero incentives to be thoughtful to her. No matter what you do, something goes wrong. What's the drive to try to please her?" This question made me think for days, because purely from an incentives perspective, he was right. I had zero incentives to please her, yet I struggled with WANTING to please her. I remembered that since my childhood, my mother made me feel totally responsible for her feelings. If I upset her she would say "look what you're doing to your mother," or "nobody loves you like I do, and look how you repay my dedication to you" or even "my blood pressure is high because you're a frustrating, inconsiderate child who doesn't appreciate what I do to give you a good life - I could die of a stroke like my grandfather did!" (my family has poorly controlled pressures and history of strokes)

What truly horrible and cruel things to tell a child. For most of my life I would sneak next to my mom as she slept at night to check if she was still breathing. Because, according to her, if she died, it was my doing. What an incredible burden to carry. Like any fearful child, my response to these threats to her life was to cater to her every emotional need. She made me doubt my value as a daughter every time I did something wrong by telling me that I was thoughtless and selfish. At the same time, I was the keeper of her life and emotional well-being. Not surprisingly this trend to sacrifice my own wants or thoughts or emotional needs for my mother's needs continued into adulthood. It makes sense to me now: I was selfish and thoughtless, therefore less valuable, and she gave me everything, so I should be grateful and careful to be a dedicated and grateful daughter. I came to a breaking point in medical school, and I realized I couldn't cater to her AND do well in my career. I started to resent her, because she was supposed to help me on my path through life, not pull me down. So I made a difficult choice to live for myself. We still talk, but it's strained and cold on her end because in her eyes I have abandoned her. But I come home every day and look in the mirror and I'm happy with the choices I made, because they were my own.

I encourage you to do the same. Don't be afraid to be happy. Your relationship with your mother will likely never be easy, no matter how much you sacrifice yourself, no matter how much you set aside your own emotional needs, and no matter how much you try to talk and explain to her why you are frustrated. It is the burden of the child of a uBPD parent. It is not your fault your mother reacts so violently to you being you. You are her child - as the parent, she is the one who is supposed to forgive you and understand you and love you. As an adult, our parents have to be the kind of people their kids WANT to be around. This is your life, and you only get one. Make sure you make choices that make you happy, and don't fill your heart with frustrations and sadness.

[Panda39]

I know what you mean about how frustrating it is when you work so hard to please, and then you miss that 1 thing she expected, and it seems like none of your other efforts matter. It has always been and still is one of the most frustrating themes of my relationship with my uBPD mother.

When I started dating my now-husband, the first time I did something that upset him I braced myself for anger and disappointment. But instead he said, "It's ok, I know you didn't meant to be hurtful. You always make so many efforts to make me happy." I started crying when he said that - these are the words of someone who sees the whole picture, not someone who is overwhelmed with blowing up one perceived failure (which is so characteristic of BPD behavior and the fear of abandonment).

I have learned, sadly, that I could give up my whole life to try to make my mother happy, but I will always inevitably fail her. Not because I have failed per sé, but because I will always do something that could be perceived as a slight to her. I had two choices: give up my life and still manage to disappoint her, or forget about her needs and pursue my own happiness.

I wanted to comment on an observation my husband made on my relationship with my mom. He would say to me, "Your mom basically gives you zero incentives to be thoughtful to her. No matter what you do, something goes wrong. What's the drive to try to please her?" This question made me think for days, because purely from an incentives perspective, he was right. I had zero incentives to please her, yet I struggled with WANTING to please her. I remembered that since my childhood, my mother made me feel totally responsible for her feelings. If I upset her she would say "look what you're doing to your mother," or "nobody loves you like I do, and look how you repay my dedication to you" or even "my blood pressure is high because you're a frustrating, inconsiderate child who doesn't appreciate what I do to give you a good life - I could die of a stroke like my grandfather did!" (my family has poorly controlled pressures and history of strokes)

What truly horrible and cruel things to tell a child. For most of my life I would sneak next to my mom as she slept at night to check if she was still breathing. Because, according to her, if she died, it was my doing. What an incredible burden to carry. Like any fearful child, my response to these threats to her life was to cater to her every emotional need. She made me doubt my value as a daughter every time I did something wrong by telling me that I was thoughtless and selfish. At the same time, I was the keeper of her life and emotional well-being. Not surprisingly this trend to sacrifice my own wants or thoughts or emotional needs for my mother's needs continued into adulthood. It makes sense to me now: I was selfish and thoughtless, therefore less valuable, and she gave me everything, so I should be grateful and careful to be a dedicated and grateful daughter. I came to a breaking point in medical school, and I realized I couldn't cater to her AND do well in my career. I started to resent her, because she was supposed to help me on my path through life, not pull me down. So I made a difficult choice to live for myself. We still talk, but it's strained and cold on her end because in her eyes I have abandoned her. But I come home every day and look in the mirror and I'm happy with the choices I made, because they were my own.

I encourage you to do the same. Don't be afraid to be happy. Your relationship with your mother will likely never be easy, no matter how much you sacrifice yourself, no matter how much you set aside your own emotional needs, and no matter how much you try to talk and explain to her why you are frustrated. It is the burden of the child of a uBPD parent. It is not your fault your mother reacts so violently to you being you. You are her child - as the parent, she is the one who is supposed to forgive you and understand you and love you. As an adult, our parents have to be the kind of people their kids WANT to be around. This is your life, and you only get one. Make sure you make choices that make you happy, and don't fill your heart with frustrations and sadness.

GreenGlit,

Thank you for this my SO has 2 daughters and a uBPDxw and the younger daughter struggles with some of this wanting to please mom too.  I sent this post to her dad it might help him if the situation or conversation arises.

I appreciate the insight from all of you kids of BPD parents... .just know that you are helping 2 young ladies you don't even know.

Thank you,

Panda39

[livinginoz]

The last statement I understand very well.  out of 100 things if I did 99 the 1 thing I didn't do would be remembered or be the reason everything fell apart and drama begins again.

Spent most of my life waiting for the other shoe to fall with drama and trauma.  As they age it is sad to see the traits still there but sometimes on a smaller level.  Still destructive, still narcissistic and still leaving one with an empty feeling.

I can also see where the parents childhood created this mess but it still doesn't make it easier to be the one to have to recognize it and say it will end with me.  Just want to know that there is good after their passing and hope that with time the loss is easier.  It isn't just a loss of a loved one it is the loss of what I wished the person was.  Also the loss of my years and childhood to the crazy drama. 

While I have people around me who care about me I feel like pulling into a shell right now.  I know some is natural but I think I am burned out from decades of the drama most normal people have some drama but I don't have time for any level now.  Thank you for reading... .  This is a fantastic site I wish I joined years ago.  Knowing I am not alone is a huge help and to read similar stories and some that are almost identical I am feeling a small bit of hope.  I think I must have been switched at birth