to engage or not to engage. And Why?

[Butterfly12]

This past week following a MC session where the counselor spelled out in not so silent ways all the ways in which I am working really hard to save our marriage and my husband is not, the counselor suggested that my husband try. And following that appointment I wrote my husband a business type email about some bills that were due. I was very very careful in my wording and had it proofed before I sent it. Twice.  He wrote back saying I was controlling and that "it's a good thing I have the upper hand," and whatnot. It was infuriating. I was so careful to not say anything that would be taken offensively or personally.

Then, two days later, my husband asks me while we are exchanging our children if we could meet with "neutral" party to discuss some "hard things." When asked what sorts of things, he refuses to answer, and then sets the date for this for two/three weeks away. He says things are not "moving fast enough" with our counselor and when I suggest meeting publicly so we can talk before his agreed on person can, he says that isn't safe for him. And then when I suggest making an appointment weekly instead of biweekly with our counselor, he refuses that too. And all the while says I am the one with the "volatile" temper, when yes, ONCE in the past months I blew up at him and got very angry. And that I am the one pushing for further conversations. He makes the whole getting together thing with his "neutral" party sound like it was my idea and I'm throwing it in his face.

I'm so frustrated. I should just let it go and put it up to all his need for engagement, but it's maddening. There's no rhyme or reason to it.

Any thoughts?

[Lifewriter16]

This kind of thing is maddening and I can understand your frustration.

Reading your post, I had a thought about the nature of projection. I thought to share it with you:

It seems to me that we as nons get so frustrated with our pwBPDs because we can see that they are the ones that are angry. We know it's not us and, to us, it feels like they are consciously passing the buck to us and simply not taking responsibility for their behaviour to advance their own ends. However, what if our pwBPDs actually experience the anger (and thus the threat) as being located outside of themselves? What if it isn't that they don't want to admit that they are angry? What if they really experience it as being external to them and thus they feel it must be coming from us?

Here's an experience I once had that I present as possible evidence that this might take place. One time, I was doing some anger expression work in a safe setting. What happened was interesting. I got so angry pounding pillows that I experienced anger coming from outside myself and I became really fearful. I was alone so I knew it was my anger, but it really felt external to me. Did I create a situation that mimics projection? Is this what our pwBPDs are experiencing?

Anyway, just a thought... .

Lifewriter x

[OnceConfused]

In BPD's mind,the problem is not theirs, the problem , whatever it might be, is caused by the Nons.

Your H's response is reflecting that kind of attitude. He is now shifting whatever yous say or do to "oh, see that is an example of how you cause my problem."

[Butterfly12]

Definitely. Absolutely this is true. It's long been my belief that he is a very intuitive guy, and knows the feeling is coming from somewhere, but couldn't possibly Be him.   

That being said... .what do we DO? And I very well understand the answer could be "nothing." But here I sit, watching my marriage crumble because what to do? I tried about a year ago accepting all responsibility. And that didn't work, obviously. I've apologized for what I can, I've owned what I can. I've looked inside, I've tried to please him as well as myself, and none seems to do anything... .except help me in what I know is my growth. He is stuck. So stuck. Our counselor sees it, our friends see it. (The ones that haven't been turned against me, who actually agree to talk to me... .)