Ex boyfriend has BPD and hid it from me for a year.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I am a single mother of 2. My son has been involved in an organization for boys for several years.I met a single father there who I was around  for these meeting and events. I could tell he was interested due to him attempting to speak with me and I would find him staring at me.I am shy and reserved so this went on for over a year.He seemed like a wonderful father and everyone with in the organization love him.He is funny,charming and always volunteering to help others.

There were other leaders in the troop who were encouraging him to talk with me as they all new I was a single mom and they could see his attraction towards me.On an event with the kids he approached me and started trying to get to know me more personally.He then stated messaging me on face book and after 2 months of communicating he asked me out on a date. He was 8 years older than me and not the typical type of man that I had ever been attracted to.

After our first date he began to charm me.I would wake up in the morning to leave for work and have a bouquet of flowers and a card on my porch.He would take me on creative and elaborate dates and try to help me in any way he could.He would message me a lot through the day and call me every morning and night.I as in a very hurtful relationship before him and stayed single for 5 years working on myself.I told him from the early start that I was not in a hurry and that I needed to take things slow.He agreed as he had been divorced for about 4 years and claimed that his ex wife was horrible.He told me all great things that had ever happened in his life came sslowly

As time went by I began letting down my walls and finding myself attracted to this wonderful guy.He seemed perfect.He was great with kids,had a successful job with the state as an engineer,romantic and loved by the organization for boys.So much so that he was asked to be the main leader at the organization for boys.This occured while we were dating.He seemed perfect.I did find it strange at times he would show up in places randomly when I was there and he would want to meet up with me through out the day to give me a coffee or request a kiss.

About 9 months into the relationship he took me to meet his uncle who began to raised him at around 8 years old.His uncle privately told me that the man I was dating had been severely abused as a child by his mother.I was saddened hearing this.I had no idea .When he had talked with me about his mother he had said things like he was scared of her and that she was a very strong woman that he never understood.He said he had to live with his uncle because she was a single mom and she felt it was best for him since his dad had left early on.He also had said that they were working on a relationship know that he was older.I never met her and I am thankful.I never shared with him that his uncle had told me these things.For what ever reason I felt like I understood another piece of him.

We continued to date and spend time together on the weekends.I had never seen him react in any inappropriate or concerning manner.I had felt completely adored and embraced.After about 10 months of dating we became intimate.During this time frame he was very under pressure with his job and extra responsibilities with the boy based organization.He still would contact me but it became less and he would say how sad he was about it.I told him I understood and tried to be there in the best ways I could.I started getting resentful although I never confronted him, because he always was helping others and I felt more distant even though he would call still morning and night and send messages through out the day.I began to feel like when we would talk on the phone he was a million miles away.When we did get together for dates he would say how relaxed he was around me and apologize for being busy.H e would make up for the lost time.He seemed frazzled but calm.

On a Friday I had invited him to hang out after a meeting he had committed to.He said he would catch up with me.I message him later that night and he never responded.After a year this was the first time that had ever happened.The following morning he called and said he had fell asleep and sorry he didn't get back to me.Later that day he showed up while I was grocery shopping as he would randomly do. While we were there I noticed what looked like hickey's on his neck.I asked him about it and he said he didn't know what it was.After he left I was in so much shock and disbelief that I sent him a message telling him I was hurt.He said that he didn't know ho it happened and that he had a big temper tantrum at his house the night before.I could not believe what I was hearing. He had always been so calm and collect.He said he drank a lot and woke up with a knife in his wall that he didn't know how it happened.I was in shock.

I told him I needed space and that I could not be in a relationship at this time.He quite all contact.My world has been destroyed.All of the things I felt for a year all of the sudden where a lie. I did some reading and confronted him several days later asking him if he had BPD. He admitted that he had and he had seen a therapist for years for this.He said he thought he was better and quit therapy a year in a half ago.He said he was so sorry and that every thing got to him.He kept saying I wouldn't have like his other side and that he never felt he deserved me.He said that he let me in closer than anyone and that he was scared of me. He cut off contact.

I am struggling.My world is upside down and I feel like a old used shoe.My son does not want to leave the boy based organization, so I am forced to see this person in a leadership role weekly.He is cold and distant with me but puts on a happy smile for all of the other members there.Any tips on how I can get through this would be great.I am so worried that I will become closed of for future relationships.This went on for a year that I was blinded and had no idea.I am wondering if he is going to melt down at some point since there is still some contact.

[sadandbroken]

I am a single mother of 2. My son has been involved in an organization for boys for several years.I met a single father there who I was around  for these meeting and events. I could tell he was interested due to him attempting to speak with me and I would find him staring at me.I am shy and reserved so this went on for over a year.He seemed like a wonderful father and everyone with in the organization love him.He is funny,charming and always volunteering to help others.

There were other leaders in the troop who were encouraging him to talk with me as they all new I was a single mom and they could see his attraction towards me.On an event with the kids he approached me and started trying to get to know me more personally.He then stated messaging me on face book and after 2 months of communicating he asked me out on a date. He was 8 years older than me and not the typical type of man that I had ever been attracted to.

After our first date he began to charm me.I would wake up in the morning to leave for work and have a bouquet of flowers and a card on my porch.He would take me on creative and elaborate dates and try to help me in any way he could.He would message me a lot through the day and call me every morning and night.I as in a very hurtful relationship before him and stayed single for 5 years working on myself.I told him from the early start that I was not in a hurry and that I needed to take things slow.He agreed as he had been divorced for about 4 years and claimed that his ex wife was horrible.He told me all great things that had ever happened in his life came sslowly

As time went by I began letting down my walls and finding myself attracted to this wonderful guy.He seemed perfect.He was great with kids,had a successful job with the state as an engineer,romantic and loved by the organization for boys.So much so that he was asked to be the main leader at the organization for boys.This occured while we were dating.He seemed perfect.I did find it strange at times he would show up in places randomly when I was there and he would want to meet up with me through out the day to give me a coffee or request a kiss.

About 9 months into the relationship he took me to meet his uncle who began to raised him at around 8 years old.His uncle privately told me that the man I was dating had been severely abused as a child by his mother.I was saddened hearing this.I had no idea .When he had talked with me about his mother he had said things like he was scared of her and that she was a very strong woman that he never understood.He said he had to live with his uncle because she was a single mom and she felt it was best for him since his dad had left early on.He also had said that they were working on a relationship know that he was older.I never met her and I am thankful.I never shared with him that his uncle had told me these things.For what ever reason I felt like I understood another piece of him.

We continued to date and spend time together on the weekends.I had never seen him react in any inappropriate or concerning manner.I had felt completely adored and embraced.After about 10 months of dating we became intimate.During this time frame he was very under pressure with his job and extra responsibilities with the boy based organization.He still would contact me but it became less and he would say how sad he was about it.I told him I understood and tried to be there in the best ways I could.I started getting resentful although I never confronted him, because he always was helping others and I felt more distant even though he would call still morning and night and send messages through out the day.I began to feel like when we would talk on the phone he was a million miles away.When we did get together for dates he would say how relaxed he was around me and apologize for being busy.H e would make up for the lost time.He seemed frazzled but calm.

On a Friday I had invited him to hang out after a meeting he had committed to.He said he would catch up with me.I message him later that night and he never responded.After a year this was the first time that had ever happened.The following morning he called and said he had fell asleep and sorry he didn't get back to me.Later that day he showed up while I was grocery shopping as he would randomly do. While we were there I noticed what looked like hickey's on his neck.I asked him about it and he said he didn't know what it was.After he left I was in so much shock and disbelief that I sent him a message telling him I was hurt.He said that he didn't know ho it happened and that he had a big temper tantrum at his house the night before.I could not believe what I was hearing. He had always been so calm and collect.He said he drank a lot and woke up with a knife in his wall that he didn't know how it happened.I was in shock.

I told him I needed space and that I could not be in a relationship at this time.He quite all contact.My world has been destroyed.All of the things I felt for a year all of the sudden where a lie. I did some reading and confronted him several days later asking him if he had BPD. He admitted that he had and he had seen a therapist for years for this.He said he thought he was better and quit therapy a year in a half ago.He said he was so sorry and that every thing got to him.He kept saying I wouldn't have like his other side and that he never felt he deserved me.He said that he let me in closer than anyone and that he was scared of me. He cut off contact.

I am struggling.My world is upside down and I feel like a old used shoe.My son does not want to leave the boy based organization, so I am forced to see this person in a leadership role weekly.He is cold and distant with me but puts on a happy smile for all of the other members there.Any tips on how I can get through this would be great.I am so worried that I will become closed of for future relationships.This went on for a year that I was blinded and had no idea.I am wondering if he is going to melt down at some point since there is still some contact.

[Turkish]

Hello sadandbroken,

It's sad to let down those walls against intimacy based upon past trauma only to be hurt again...

Many of us struggle also to reconcile the person they project to others with the person they can reveal to us as we get closer. Intimacy is a huge trigger for people with BPD. They can feel unlovable (he pretty much said that at the end), yet try so hard to chase love, and all f the gestures were probably sincere at the time.

You're also torn between keeping your boy happy, yet seeing the person who hurt you. It was well over a year before I could even stand to be in my Ex's prescence after she left. She was happy and had moved on, but I was stuck. We need time to grieve, and seeing the person who discarded us can be like rubbing salt into a wound.

To start, have you seen this article? Maybe it can help you make sense of this.

Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder

Senior members here have been where you are. In the beginning, it may seem even hopeless, but survivors will support you. I'm two years out, and I'm still on the journey. We're here to support you sadandbroken.



Turkish