New here and totally confused

[HelpMe7691]

 Hi, I've been with my partner for 10 years and she's been diagnosed with BPD. I've recently found out of repeated cheating - but it wasn't really a surprise as I've suspected it all along. I've been treated appallingly - many years of abuse (although not physical) and being made to feel like nothing etc. I've ended the relationship as I can take no more but she is holding on saying she loves me - which I don't get as I thought it was clear that she hated me. Confused. 

[EaglesJuju]

Hi HelpMe7691, 

Welcome. 

I am so sorry that you are going through this.    I can imagine how painful it is to cope with many years of abusive behavior and infidelity. I understand the breaking point of being on an emotional rollercoaster for such a long period of time.

BPD is a paradox. People with BPD (pwBPD) have issues regulating and controlling their emotions. When a pwBPD is dysregulating  For a pwBPD, emotions can be very intense, especially negative emotions, such as anger in sadness. To cope with the intensity of emotions, a pwBPD will self-regulate and engage in maladaptive behaviors. Engaging in impulsive behavior such as binge eating, reckless driving, promiscuity, and self harm or avoidance behavior (excessive sleeping, shutting down, dissociating) tend to temporarily regulate emotions and ease the intensity, albeit maladaptive. Maladaptive coping mechanisms have been learned for survival in a sense.

In addition to having issues with emotional regulation, pwBPD tend to have a problems with object constancy. Object constancy is the ability to see another as ambiguous, comprised of both negative and positive attributes. When a pwBPD is dysregulating, they can split their partner as "black", viewing them as frustrating and withholding and not recognizing positive attributes. On the other hand, a pwBPD can view their partner as "white," which denotes they perceive their partner as all good. Realistically, everyone has both positive and negative attributes, although a pwBPD view one extreme at a time. It is the epitome of black and white thinking or all or nothing. With their ever changing emotions and behavior, it is understandable to be confused why a pwBPD will say they love you one moment and hate you the next. 

My pwBPD has told me he loves me and wants to marry me and two days later has told me that he thinks it is best that I move on. The ambivalence does affect your self-esteem at times.  One thing that has helped me was learning about BPD and understanding that the behavior really does not have anything to do with my character or things that I have done.  Also, sharing your story really helps. There were times I felt that my family or friends did not understand. Posting here with people who understood my situation really helped.

Perhaps you can share more of your story?

[Samuel S.]

I completely understand why you feel confused with your previous BPD. It doesn't make any sense to you, and you have every right to remove such a deceitful person from your life. She has cheated on you, and she is apt to do it again. The fact that she now says she loves you only shows how confused she is. Frankly, you deserve better. She has created the problems. You recognized what the problems are, and you did justifiably choose to remove her from your life.

Since she now says she loves you, she is wanting to re-establish her relationship with you. The only problem is that it is only again going to be temporary. She will cheat again and again. Also, you cannot possibly trust her. Also, you have every right to be angry with such a deceitful person.

It is best for you to do everything in your power to protect yourself from her by doing only positive things for yourself, such as talking with a T, journaling, exercising, doing things you enjoy, being with family and friends. It is time for you to heal from her wounds, wounds that she has created.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Helpme, I'm sorry to hear what you are going through.  I concur w/EaglesJuJu: A pwBPD behaves in paradoxical ways.  They fear abandonment, but will push you away; they seek stability, but behave in chaotic fashion; they want love, but act out in unloveable ways.  You will never totally understand BPD and will drive yourself crazy trying to make sense of it all.  If you can, try to regard it as a disorder which makes it almost impossible for the pwBPD to regulate his/her emotions and behavior.  It's a wild roller coaster ride that is sometimes exhilarating but ultimately exhausting.  You have come to the right place.  We "get it" when it comes to BPD.

LuckyJim