family

[sarn]

hi I have never been on at. site where you communicate with others I am terrified of my partner finding out as I am not allowed by him to communicate with others online. ihave been married for 47 years and am 65. my youngest daughter took her own life less than 2 years ago ihave 6 others she was my baby we were very very close she was abeautiful person who was diagnosed with BPD a month before she died at 27 years old. I believe that my husband and 2 of my sons could have BPD. there have been atleast 7 suicides in the wider family eg cousins and grandfather + numerous attempts. one son is being assessed today. he can not hold down a relationship. I feel like I have been in prison for the last 47 years for a crime I did not commit

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Kwamina]

Hi sarn

I am very sorry that you lost your youngest daughter to suicide. Losing a loved one is never easy and when it happens in such a dramatic fashion only makes the shock even bigger.

Suicidal ideation unfortunately seems to be something many people in your family have struggled with.

Could you tell us a bit more about your husband's and those 2 sons' behavior that lead you to believe they might have BPD? You mentioned not being allowed to communicate online, are there also other things that you aren't allowed to do?

Dealing with multiple BPD family-members can be very challenging indeed. I am glad you are reaching out for support here and hope to read more of your story later. Take care

[sarn]

thank you for answering my post kwamina, I am not sure how to write these posts, I am not very computer literate. my oldest son is now arranging to go to a day hospital he went for an assessment today and has to wait for a psychiatrist appointment before being diagnosed. I am slightly less worried about my other 2 sons at the moment. they were brought up to see me being controlled by their father I have always felt that he was not evil, but mentally ill though he would go mad if I told him that. I am in the middle of reading stop walking on eggshells that is where I got the motivation from to come on this site. I lost touch with my friends soon after I met my husband. he controls nearly everything ido or think. in the beginning he was physically violent but  now it is more mental abuse but he always thinks hes right no matter what. I feel terrible going on this site as if I am being disloyal he would be very angry if he knew but I really need to see I am not alone

[Ceruleanblue]

Welcome Sarn!

Lots of us here are in the same boat. You are a very strong person to have dealt with all you've had to deal with. I'm so sorry about the loss of your daughter.

You really are not betraying your husband by coming on here. He may control a lot of what you do, but remember, he can't control how you think, only YOU can do that. Expressing those feelings might lead to trouble, but you do have the right to have them.

"Stop Walking on Eggshells" is a good book, and I'm sure a lot of it will sound very familiar. Your view of your husband is exactly how I view my husband. He's not evil, but I do view that he has a mental health issue. I've made some mistakes in not setting enough boundaries, because I felt he deserved special consideration due to that, and I'm now working on that. Slowly adding boundaries, is hard, but I think essential.

The tools here can be of help too. It's sort of trial and error with some, finding what works best with the individual you are dealing with though. Validation doesn't seem like a big deal with my husband, which stinks because I'm pretty good at it.

And remember, if you start having a couple boundaries, your husband isn't going to like it. I'm sure after all these years, he's pretty set in his ways, and is used to the old patterns. You likely have accommodates his moods, and control, for the sake of having some peace? Anything he perceives as threatening that, probably is going to be met with some acting out.

Hugs to you, and I don't think you should feel badly for reaching out to others. You've been isolated long enough, and for what? This is a place where people understand if you want to stay married, and actually help you to do so.

[unicorn2014]

Hello sarn and welcome to BPD family   I know how hard it can be to post, it can feel like you are going to be exposed. There are a lot of people here who are interested to hear what you have to say. You are very courageous to post here. I hope you find some from comfort from the other members here.

[Kwamina]

Hi again sarn,

Thanks for answering my questions.

my oldest son is now arranging to go to a day hospital he went for an assessment today and has to wait for a psychiatrist appointment before being diagnosed.

It's unfortunate that your oldest son has these problems. The fact that he is currently getting assessed is very positive though. Hopefully this will lead to him getting the help he needs.

I lost touch with my friends soon after I met my husband. he controls nearly everything ido or think. in the beginning he was physically violent but  now it is more mental abuse but he always thinks hes right no matter what. I feel terrible going on this site as if I am being disloyal he would be very angry if he knew but I really need to see I am not alone

Your husband's behavior concerns me. In the beginning he was physically violent. You say he is now more mentally abusive, this suggests that although the balance has shifted somewhat, he still gets physically violent now and then. Do you feel physically safe around him? To help you assess your safety situation I suggest you take a look at some material we have here: Safety First

Mental abuse is also very serious. No matter the nature of the abuse, abuse is still abuse and the underlying aspect of emotional abuse is often the most damaging.

You have the right to feel safe and protect yourself so I am very glad you are reaching out here for support and advice

[sarn]

hi I am sorry that my posts are all rushed as I only have a short time before my husband gets out of bed and this is the only time that I can usually go online. I could not read all the answers yesterday and cannot find them today part of the problem is that I am on a different timeline to the usa so when im online most of you are in bed and hopefully getting a good night sleep. at the moment things here are calm well my husband is still in bed but yesterday was a calm day and my oldest son had a good day playing golf. I had 4 daughters , my baby died in 2014 but I still carry her with me in my heart so I still have 4 daughters. I also have 3 sons. they all suffer from different levels of stress etc. my deepest regret is not leaving with them when they were small and maybe my daughter would be alive as I would have had more time to concentrate on them.

[unicorn2014]

hi I am sorry that my posts are all rushed as I only have a short time before my husband gets out of bed and this is the only time that I can usually go online. I could not read all the answers yesterday and cannot find them today part of the problem is that I am on a different timeline to the usa so when im online most of you are in bed and hopefully getting a good night sleep. at the moment things here are calm well my husband is still in bed but yesterday was a calm day and my oldest son had a good day playing golf. I had 4 daughters , my baby died in 2014 but I still carry her with me in my heart so I still have 4 daughters. I also have 3 sons. they all suffer from different levels of stress etc. my deepest regret is not leaving with them when they were small and maybe my daughter would be alive as I would have had more time to concentrate on them.

Hi Sarn, is there any kind of therapy available to you where you are or any face to face support groups like 12 step?

[waverider]

Hi sarn

i understand the fear and guilt about privately speaking online. You have been taught to believe you ave no right to self.

If you are concerned about leaving internet history. You can use Google chrome browsers which has incognito browser option that deletes history when you close it.

To find and respond to any posts you have made on this site, click on Show new replies to your posts link near the top of the page.

Congratulations on finding the courage to unpick the knot you have become entangled in, most here know where you are coming from. It wont be easy, or quick, but nothing changes without change



Waverider