Just stumbled across BPD info today and realize I'm not alone

[MamaDay]

Good evening, I have been walking on eggshells my entire life with my mother. I finally decided to do some research this morning about help coping with a raging and irrational mother when I came across bpdfamily, and it described my relationship with her to a tee. I have always managed to keep the peace by just going along with whatever she wanted me to do, but I am now 34 years old, have a family of my own, and that includes a 3 year old son. Since having him I have had to say no to some of the impulsive things that she wants to do because they normally include my son. And she does not handle it well at all.

A quick back story for you: Myself and my mother happen to work at the same place (it's a family business and we are both partial owners). I live across the street from her also, so it would be difficult to try to stay away from her due to our situation.

An example of a typical day with her: Just yesterday evening I called her to see if she would like to come over and have dinner with me and my son. She acted fine and said she would like to, and that she would be over shortly. Within 3 minutes of walking into the house she has picked up Grayson (my little boy) and asked him if he wants to go to the city and watch War Room. Remember, I asked if she wanted to come over for dinner. And, I told her that sounded like I good movie, but maybe we could make plans to go see it this upcoming Saturday.  Then she started yelling at me and calling me a f#!%ing b!tch while holding Grayson in her lap. I tried to calm her down by telling her that everything is okay and we can go see the movie, but tonight just isn't a good night. But, when i would try to speak she would start rambling off sounds into my son's ear to keep from being able to hear me. I saw that the situation was beginning to spiral out of control so I walked over and asked her to give Grayson back to me and go home, and to call me after he went to bed to talk because he didn't need to hear or see this type of anger. When I put my arms under his to pick him up she wrapped her arms around him so tightly that I couldn't get him. She continued to hold him that tight while screaming at me. She then got up and started heading towards my back door with him, and was trying to take him. I begged her to please give him back to me and go home... .This went on for about 10 minutes (which felt like eternity with her having hold of my boy!). I was just about to call the police when she finally asked Grayson if he wanted to go to me, and he said "Yes, give me to mommy", and she let go of him. Then she stood up and held her hands out like she wanted to fight and said, "Come on! Let's settle this right now!". And I once again said, "Mama, please just calm down. I don't know what is wrong, but please leave. I'm sorry that I said tonight wasn't a good night, but please leave." She then picked up something off of my kitchen bar and threw it at me and Grayson. But she finally started heading towards the door to leave. She slammed my laundry room door, and then the back door all while continuing to scream at me about being a b___ and saying that I am bipolar. Once she got outside I locked the back door to keep her from coming back in. But she put her face up to the glass and took both fists trying to break out the glass to my back door! Luckily we have plexiglass in that door and it wouldn't break. So, she gave up after a few minutes and left to go back to her house (which is literally across the street from mine).

I really want my son and myself to have a relationship with her, but I don't ever know what is going to happen with her. My heart hurts so much, and I feel so torn. I am an only child and she is all the family that I have left. My father passed away suddenly when I was 15 from a heart attack while I was chatting with him in the living room. She started talking to another man on the night of my father's wake, and ended up marrying him. They were married for 16 years and he just passed away this July from lung cancer. And, she is already engaged to one of the pastors that preached at his funeral, and is pushing for me to let this new man act like he is my son's grandfather. I am not ready to have another man in that position in mine and my son's life right now. I've told her that I love her and want her to be happy no matter what that may be. I know that she is rushing into this too soon, but she tends to do that and I've come to expect it. Each new man is always her "soul mate". At this point I just want to have a normal life, and be able to raise my son in a stable environment. I need help learning how to diffuse the situation when it gets out of hand. I don't want to stop having a relationship with her, but I'm starting to wonder if it is possible to have a relationship with her?

Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated!

[ArleighBurke]

I can hear how much you love your son and mother and want to have a good family dynamic. It certainly sounds challanging.

Coping with your mother could be difficult - but possible. I suggest reading this site for "Boundary Setting". Kmowing what your own limits are, and "enforcing" them, would start to make good changes.

I'll let you read, but boundaries are about what YOU accept and don't - you are not trying to change your mother, but it she is behaving in a way you don't accept, YOU can remove yourself, or your son, until she chooses to behave differently. She will react strongly for a while - but bear with it.

[ArleighBurke]

More on boundary setting, beware about getting into a "debate" about any boundary you set. Your mother will try to argue it, or have you explain it so she can poke holes in it etc.

Don't JADE (Justify, argue, defend, explain). Well, explain just once - then no more.

[Sarah girl]

Hello MamaDay,

I am so sorry you are going through this. I am concerned for your welfare. From what you wrote, it seems that your mom can get physsically aggressive in addition to her verbal abuse. It's not ok that she wouldn't let go of your son. Her conduct was unacceptable not to mention dangerous for you and your son. For me, that would be a deal-breaker.

When my mom raged at me in front of my young children a few years ago, everything changed. I will never again let her do that and she is well aware that it will be the end if she ever does.

I understand that you love your mom and that you feel she's all the family you've got. What is family anyway? These days, I consider my dearest friends more as family than I do my mom. Blood is not everything.

I know my mom relished in isolating me and keeping me all to herself. For most of my life I felt like she was all I had. It simply wasn't true.     

She put you in a terrifying position. She is not well and you need to protect yourself. I agree with the others that boundaries need to be clearly defined. When someone is being aggressive with you, you need to protect yourself regardless of who that is. You don't deserve to live in fear.

Please consider other options. She is not the be-all-and-end-all and the universe doesn't revolve around her needs alone. You would have been very justified in calling the police.